


hands made me take two sips (all the things i couldn't do.)

by superbmarksman



Category: LOONA (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Character Study, F/F, Family Drama, Financial Issues, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Slow Burn, but make it emo, i swear chuulip are my friends, uuhh gay induced idiocy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-01
Updated: 2020-01-12
Packaged: 2020-07-28 21:11:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 54,074
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20070655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/superbmarksman/pseuds/superbmarksman
Summary: you know, sooyoung really should have seen this coming.(that’s what she’ll tell herself later at least.)or, how ha sooyoung learns from her mistakes (and maybe falls in love along the way.)





	1. one.

**Author's Note:**

> i haven't written anything since my thesis so forgive me if this gets a bit word-y in the future.
> 
> yes the title is from a kevin abstract song.
> 
> future chapters should be longer than this one.
> 
> also i have no idea how america works.

you know, sooyoung really should have seen this coming.

(that’s what she’ll tell herself later at least.)

it’s safe to say that she didn’t expect her school day to end with being dumped by her long-time girlfriend. sooyoung wanted to be the one to do it, knows that she’s in the right to do so.

her phone burns in her back pocket.

sooyoung and jiwoo are sitting at a picnic bench in the courtyard, the winter sun beaming down. sooyoung watches as her girlfriend draws her sleeves over her hands, how the redhead refuses to look her in the eyes, brows furrowed in worry, as she throws their relationship away.

_she did that a long time ago_, sooyoung thinks bitterly, and then feels bad about it. no matter what jiwoo’s done, sooyoung has given years of her life to her, she can’t just _stop_ caring about her.

“just like that, huh?” it comes out sad, sooyoung clears her throat, pushing that lump back down.

jiwoo looks at her then, eyes full of unshed tears.

“wanna tell me why? i think i deserve that at least,” sooyoung continues, hand coming up to rub against her brow in frustration. her phone still burns in her pocket, the photo taunting her. she just wants to get this over with already, wants to rip it off like a band aid.

“i—” jiwoo starts, tearing her ways away from sooyoung. “i think we both know we weren’t going to last longer than high school, sooyoung.”

it’s a poor excuse, only a fraction of the truth. sooyoung still feels the sting of it. she barks out a short laugh, hand slapping down onto the table with a soft smack. the sound makes jiwoo look at her again, her face softening.

“it’s been three years, jiwoo. you’re going to have to give me more than that,” sooyoung’s dark eyes bore into jiwoo’s. she wants to hear it from her.

jiwoo sighs, scratching the back of her neck slightly. her face turns serious.

“i feel trapped, sooyoung. you aren’t the person you used to be,” it’s abrupt, like jiwoo needs her to know this. sooyoung feels the lump in throat again, nausea filling her chest. “not the girlfriend you used to be. you can barely make time for _us_-”

“i have three sisters and a job, i’m sorry i can’t make it to every single little thing, jiwoo,” sooyoung interrupts, anger beginning to build. her sisters are her priority and jiwoo knows this, hell the whole school knows it. it was something jiwoo had said she had admired her for, once upon a time. her ex’s shoulders slump, her eyebrows slanting upwards and sooyoung hates that she still finds that cute, despite the irritation burning in her chest.

“i know!” jiwoo fires back, her own anger rising, “but you can’t even make dates we scheduled weeks in advance. you missed our anniversary! you can barely manage a goddamn phone call! you suck at making time for anyone. and let’s face it, sooyoung, no matter how much you work, _it won’t make your sisters love you._”

sooyoung rears back.

that’s mean, _especially_ for jiwoo.

sooyoung feels a tear make its way down her cheek as she sees the realisation at what she just said, and then regret, crawl over jiwoo’s face. her phone burns in her pocket. the reminder of the picture makes her fists clench, and she forces her face to become blank.

“wait, sooyo—” jiwoo starts to backtrack, her own tears spilling over. she moves to grasp sooyoung’s hand in her own but the brunette knocks her away.

“heejin sent me a text recently,” the sudden change in discussion obviously confuses jiwoo. after _that_, sooyoung can’t wait to hurt her back, ignoring how petty it is and how she's probably acting like a child. she reaches for her phone, pulling up the picture, “you know i couldn’t make it to dance practice last week because of that shitty job you hate so much. heejin did see _you_, though. with jungeun.”

sooyoung fiddles with her phone a bit, she can’t wait to get rid of this fucking picture. she turns the phone to jiwoo.

“want to tell me why you were kissing our best friend?”

she watches as jiwoo takes in the photo, shock pouring over her pretty face. heejin had taken it a shitty angle, obviously trying not to get caught, but it was still easy to see what was going on. jiwoo pushing jungeun back into a wall in one of the dance studio’s bathrooms, kissing her like her life depended on it.

sooyoung stands, putting her phone back in her pocket. jiwoo hasn’t moved, staring into space.

“don’t talk to me about being a shitty girlfriend, when you’re a fucking cheater,” sooyoung spits venomously, pointing a finger in jiwoo's face.

“and don’t you ever talk about my sisters again.”

sooyoung leaves, her anger turning into despair as she turns and storms away, ignoring jiwoo’s pleas for her to let her explain behind her.

✱✱✱

the thing is, jiwoo wasn’t wrong about her sisters.

the admission makes her ache. it’s what drives sooyoung to go and get wasted at some stupid house party that night.

she knows she can never give her sisters what they deserve. sooyoung barely knows how to talk to them most of the time, afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing and upsetting them. sometimes she feels like a stranger in her own house. she worries that she’s doing more harm than good, but what else can she do when their parents are never home to take care of them?

she screws up her face at the thought of her parents and downs another shot of vodka. they don’t deserve her sadness. she’d rather _stay_ and be a shitty sister than not be there at all.

she shakes her head, slamming the shot glass down on the kitchen counter. she clenches her eyes shut, coughing slightly as the alcohol starts to hurt her head. someone bumps into her from behind as they’re walking by, shoving her forward and she catches herself on the counter. sooyoung manages to catch a glimpse of a girl wearing a black leather jacket with a sharp bob before she’s distracted again.

“sooyoungie!” that’s jinsoul, or she thinks it is at least. her friend throws an arm around her shoulders, drunkenly pressing her face against the side of sooyoung’s, letting out one of her silly squawking laughs. _definitely jinsoul_, sooyoung giggles wrapping an arm around her waist.

“sooyoung, s’youngie,” jinsoul mumbles, the alcohol making her voice deeper than usual. sooyoung moves her head back, turning to look at the blonde. jinsoul looks about as drunk as sooyoung feels, her make-up starting to smear from the humidity.

“hi, jinsoulie,” sooyoung’s slurs back, a grin etched onto her face. they hadn’t been able to see each other in a while, sooyoung stuck at work and jinsoul stuck studying or babysitting chaewon. she wishes they could see each other more.

in her drunken state, sooyoung drinks in jinsoul’s appearance as the girl mumbles nonsense. her gaze lingers on the other girl’s lips. she’s always thought that her friend was striking, remembers her own shock at how pretty the other girl was when they first met in freshman year. then she met jiwoo and those thoughts melted away.

(secretly, she'd still think about the blonde sometimes. wondered how it would feel to be with someone who wasn't jiwoo.)

the thought of her ex and the shitty music playing in the background do nothing but make her feel horrible. sooyoung shakes her head as she moves out of jinsoul’s embrace, ignoring her friend’s whine as she looks for a way out. spotting _more _people spilling into the house (seriously, how can this many people fit into a house? sooyoung almost doesn’t want to know), sooyoung turns to her friend.

“i gotta—i’ve got to go,” she mutters, pointing as she walks backwards to the front door, “make sure to call me!” she waits to see jinsoul’s drunken confirmation before turning around and pushing through the throng of sweaty people. she may be feeling like shit but that doesn’t mean she wants to hide from her friends forever.

the air bites at her skin when she’s finally outside and sooyoung gasps slightly at the cold, her head clearing a bit. taking a deep breath as she sits down on the kerb, she attempts to will away her thoughts of jiwoo, she’s supposed to be having fun not wallowing in a pity party of her own making.

_you should’ve let her talk more, _sooyoung scolds herself. but she hadn’t let her, sooyoung just let her emotions take control of the conversation. her head throbs. why couldn’t she just make time for her girlfriend? sooyoung remembers when they first got together, their shy glances and fleeting touches blooming into a solid relationship.

sooyoung wonders what exact moment made jiwoo realise that staying with sooyoung wasn’t worth it anymore. she runs a hand through her hair before spitting on the ground beside her.

(she’s drunk and emotional let her be gross for a second.)

the more sooyoung thinks about it, the more she remembers. all the missed events, the biggest being their third anniversary that she forgot about because all she could think about was the pile of bills sitting in her bedroom and had ignored jiwoo’s every call, begging her manager to let her take on more hours at work instead. god, what was the excuse she’d given her? she wishes she could remember it but knows that it was most likely pathetic.

when did jiwoo's feelings for jungeun start? were they always there and sooyoung just couldn’t see them? they’d all been friends for so long that it’s hard for her to even think of them falling for each other. sure, her own feelings may have deviated a bit over three years she was with jiwoo, sometimes she’d find herself thinking of girls that weren’t her girlfriend, maybe find a passing girl attractive but it had never been serious, never enough for her to even think of straying.

jiwoo obviously didn’t feel the same.

sooyoung’s pity party is interrupted when somebody rushes outside and violently pukes on the ground.

“oh, fuck me,” she exhales, cringing at the sound and smell of it, “you can’t do that somewhere else?”

she isn’t expecting anybody to answer, mostly talking to herself. she turns to see who it was that had ruined her moping session only to find that it was the person who had bumped into her inside the house earlier.

the girl looks like shit, rubbing her mouth with the back of her hand. she’s also undeniably smashed, swaying on her feet, short hair ruffled, and leather jacket gone, most likely lost inside the house somewhere.

sooyoung notices the fresh puke stain on the girl’s shirt and cringes. _nasty._

the other girl finally seems to register that she isn’t alone, her sharp eyes focusing on sooyoung as she drops her hand to her side. and if she wasn’t drunk, annoyed, and this girl hadn’t just puked in front of her, sooyoung would be able to admit that they were pretty eyes.

“hi!” the short haired girl drunkenly exclaims, smile gleaming, "you know, you look really familiar—" sooyoung watches from her spot on the ground as the girl makes a move towards her before her face contorts and she moves to puke again.

_gross._


	2. two.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> set up 2 electric boogaloo.
> 
> i'm working on my description so forgive me.

sooyoung wakes the next morning to the sound of movement in her kitchen.

she sighs, realising there’s no point in trying to get back to sleep. she needs to shower before school and get the smell of puke and smoke off of her body.

“god,” she groans as she lifts a hand to shield her eyes from the light streaming into the living room, her head pounds. she hadn’t even bothered to try and make it to her room when she got home, opting to pass out on the couch instead. she breathes into her hand and cringes at the smell.

she moves to sit up, taking the glass of water left for her on the coffee table and gulping it down. as she puts the glass back down, she sees a small note placed on the table, picking it up sooyoung rubs a finger over the little wolf emoticon hyejoo used to like drawing a lot when she was little.

the sound of clattering pots in the kitchen catches her attention and she carefully places the note into her jeans pocket. it’s not much but it’s nice to know that hyejoo cares about her well being just a little.

making her way to the small kitchen, sooyoung rolls her eyes when she sees heejin standing stock still, like she hadn’t just knocked a bunch of pots all over the floor. hyunjin is noticeably absent.

_probably just getting ready_, sooyoung guesses, knowing that her sister likes to be at school early. though that might not be the case seeing as heejin obviously stayed the night, if her bunny pj’s are any clue.

“you know, you don’t actually live here, right?” she teases the younger girl, moving to help her pick up the stuff she knocked onto the ground, “i mean, you can if you want, you’d just have to pay rent.”

“you just want to squeeze me for money,” heejin chuckles slightly, voice deep with sleep. standing up, they both place the pots and pans onto the counter.

“true,” sooyoung jokes, then glances at heejin abruptly, “don’t even think about trying to cook in my house. i can’t have another person setting food on fire.”

(she still hasn’t let chaewon set foot in the kitchen since. no one should be able to do that to ramen.)

“i’m not that terrible at cooking!” heejin whines, moving to open the refrigerator and taking out the milk, “hyunjin even managed to eat what i cooked for her last week!”

“as if that means anything,” sooyoung fires back, smile on her face as she starts to leave, she really does need to shower, “your girlfriend is supposed to be pretend like the things you make, how do you think i managed to eat what jiwoo made for three years.”

silence.

sooyoung glances back to see heejin’s head bent over her cereal, a sympathetic frown on her face,

“i heard you guys broke up,” heejin mumbles, avoiding sooyoung’s gaze. sooyoung doesn’t even want to know how she knows, tries to accept that their school is like a goddamn petri dish and everybody would find out soon enough.

(she didn’t think it’d happen this fast, though. she’d wanted at least some time to recuperate before having to face the reality of her life.)

“l-look, i’m sorry if i ruined your relationship. i just— you deserved to know and i didn’t know if jiwoo was gonna break up with you or not. i mean, i know if hyunjin ever did what jiwoo did to me, i’d want to know—”

“it’s not your fault, heejin,” sooyoung talks over her friend, tone soothing as she tries to ease the other girl’s panic, “and it didn’t even really matter anyway, she dumped me.”

she knows their break up isn’t heejin’s fault and she truly doesn’t blame her for it, though she won’t lie to herself and say that she doesn’t hold the tiniest bit of resentment for the younger girl. the outcome would have been the same if heejin hadn’t shown her the picture but she _did_ and now sooyoung has to wrestle with the thoughts of her ex cheating on her and all that it entails.

she’ll get over it. eventually. she hopes.

heejin still looks upset so sooyoung walks over and runs a hand over her hair comfortingly. she wishes it was this easy to connect with the triplets but they just aren’t open with each other like this.

“it’s fine,” sooyoung assures her, “i’ll just have to deal with it myself.”

“deal with what?” hyunjin grumbles as enters the room, hand rubbing her eye.

“the never ending hell that is senior year,” sooyoung deflects, stepping away from heejin as hyunjin moves to press a kiss to the top of her girlfriend’s head.

“sure, whatever,” hyunjin huffs sarcastically, “anyway, next time you get wasted don’t slam the door when you come back. yerim was complaining about it waking her up.”

“shit, okay, i’m sorry,” sooyoung apologises, running a hand through her hair as she starts to make her way out of the kitchen again, “though, hyunjin, make sure to text me if your girlfriend is staying the night.”

“maybe if you checked your phone—”

“hyunjin,” heejin hushes her girlfriend, gaze darting between the sisters, “leave it.”

sooyoung watches as hyunjin loses whatever urge to fight she had building inside of her. secretly, she hopes the two never break up because she likes seeing how happy they make each other. sure, it’d been a bit strange when the two had started dating after being friends since they were in diapers but sooyoung knows that there isn’t anyone better suited for either of them. they balance each other out, fill in spaces the other may not even know they have.

“fine,” hyunjin acquiesces softly before looking at sooyoung again, “you’ve got puke on your pants.”

sooyoung’s face goes blank because _of course_ she’d end up with a random stranger’s puke on her. all she can do is hope that they never run into each other again.

✱✱✱

thankfully, it doesn’t take that long for her to get ready. hyejoo had passed sooyoung in the hallway and had barely given her a glance, save for when sooyoung jokingly pushed her out of the way. sooyoung assumes that she’s probably going to scarf down any bit of food she can find in the fridge before rushing out to go and meet up with chaewon.

she still doesn’t really know how they became friends. just knows that one day they’d been playing on the switch in hyejoo’s room when jinsoul had been over and since then they’d been attached at the hip.

(she makes sure to place the little wolf note in the old white shoebox full of childhood photos she keeps under her bed.)

sooyoung heads back into the bathroom just to finish freshening up only find it a tip, towels strewn across the floor.

“yerimie,” she calls out as she places the wet towels on the rack, “stop leaving your shit all over the bathroom floor!”

“sorry!” the reply is muffled until yerim pops out of her room, an apologetic grin on her face, “won’t happen again.”

sooyoung knows it’s a lie because this is a daily routine by now but she knows she’ll keep letting yerim get away with it. out of the three, sooyoung finds yerim the hardest to read as the girl always has a smile on her face or is always trying to make others happy.

(she wonders where her sister gets it from because it sure as hell isn’t her.)

“are you working tonight?” yerim asks crossing her arms as she moves to lean against the bathroom door frame.

“it’s wednesday, right? so, no,” sooyoung replies, pressing a finger to her eyelid as she starts to fiddle with her contact lenses, “my next shift is tomorrow and then i don’t get a day off until tuesday.”

yerim makes a concerned noise in the back of throat that causes sooyoung to look in her direction.

“what?” she asks.

“don’t you think you should take it down a notch?” yerim starts, “like, surely you don’t need to work that much.”

sooyoung scoffs moving past yerim and stopping at the top of the stairs. the bills that are starting to pile up in her bedroom say otherwise, if anything she needs to work _more_ or find a better paid job.

“if only you knew, kid.”

“we would if you told us anything,” yerim snaps under her breath, sooyoung barely catches it. now, sooyoung would call the girl a hypocrite but honestly she can’t be bothered fighting right now. it’s too early and she still has a goddamn headache, so she settles for a glare before going down to the living room to start gathering up her things.

she does a double take when she sees that hyejoo is still in the house.

“thought you’d be long gone by now,” sooyoung comments, putting on her green jacket, “no chaewon today? did you guys fight?”

hyejoo looks up from her place on the couch, phone in hand. after hyunjin she’s probably the most expressionless of the bunch but even sooyoung can tell from her furrowed brows and down turned mouth that something is wrong.

“chae dropped out of school so...” her sister trails off as her phone buzzes. sooyoung observes the way she looks at it before turning it off, “we haven’t spoken in like a week.”

“why the hell would she drop out?” sooyoung questions but from hyejoo’s shrug it looks like she isn’t going to get an answer, “okay, look, do you want me to ask jinsoul? get her to tell me why?”

“no!” hyejoo exclaims, her voice high, hand waving away her offer, “just— this is something i need to do myself, okay?”

“okay...” sooyoung drawls. hyejoo isn’t usually one to be so direct about her own wants so she thinks it’s best if she leaves the other girl to it.

sooyoung takes a look at her phone and immediately feels guilty for telling hyunjin off for having heejin over without telling her because it’s clear from the 12 text notifications that hyunjin had attempted to let her know.

she can apologise for that later, right?

she looks up as she feels hyejoo’s gaze still locked on her, a look that someone might call concern on her face.

“did you fight with yerim again?”

“nearly,” sooyoung sighs, troubled. her eyes flick to her phone again. unlocking it reminds her why she turned it off in the first place. her face drops into a severe frown as she looks at the picture of her ex and jungeun again.

she deletes the photo.

“yerim’s just trying to look out for you, you know? especially since you and jiwoo just broke up,” hyejoo prods, attributing sooyoung’s expression to their conversation.

“yeah, and she doesn’t need to when it’s supposed to be the other way around,” sooyoung retorts as she shoves her phone into the pocket of her jeans. she ignores the fact that apparently even all her sisters know about her break up as well.

petri dish, honestly.

“i mean, technically it’s mom and dad’s but—”

“don’t be a smartass, hyejoo,” sooyoung snaps slightly, “we all know they aren’t showing their faces here any time soon.”

“fine, jeez, chill out will you?” hyejoo replies, her voice small. sooyoung deflates, she really does need to cool it a bit. her sisters haven’t actually done anything to warrant her irritation.

“look, i’m sorry,” sooyoung apologizes, picking up her bag from the floor, “i’m gonna go now, make sure whoever leaves last locks the door, alright?”

she waits to see hyejoo nod before leaving the house and making her way to school.

✱✱✱

sooyoung wasn’t lying when she called senior year hell, hearing everyone discussing what colleges they were going to and how excited, or otherwise, they were about it when she wasn’t going at all definitely made her feel suffocated. it’s not that she doesn’t want to go but she just can’t afford it. at most she’ll go to a community college and see where she can go from there.

plus she wants the triplets to go to college more than she wants to go herself, has had money saved away for awhile but even then she worries it won’t be enough.

god, hyejoo was right. she really does need to chill out.

luckily, sooyoung has yet to see jiwoo or jungeun. her next class is the only class they share together in the morning and she’s contemplating skipping it. however, the thought is dismissed when she remembers just how bad her AP Calc grade is.

(is repressing her feelings for the sake of school fun? hell no.)

mostly she doesn’t want to get sent to the principal about her grades slipping again. once was enough thank you.

“sooyoung!” jinsoul calls out, waving as she jogs over to meet sooyoung at her locker, “hey, i heard about you and jiwoo.”

“so has everyone and their mother apparently,” sooyoung retorts as she puts a few textbooks into her bag.

“i wanted to talk to you about it last night but, you know how i get when i have tequila,” jinsoul shrugs sheepishly, eyebrows slanted upwards, “but are you doing okay? you guys were together for so long.”

“not as long as you and vivi,” she replies. god she really doesn’t want to talk about her failed relationship, “i’m alright, it was long time coming. or at least, that’s what jiwoo made it seem like.”

“yikes,” jinsoul cringes.

“yeah, i know,” sooyoung emphasises, “look, i’ll explain it all when we aren’t in school alright? we still need to hang out. and you need to tell me why chaewon dropped out of school.”

“chaewon didn’t tell hyejoo?” the blonde asks, confused.

“apparently they haven’t talked in like, a week,” sooyoung confirms, “she was moping about it this morning.”

“weird. chaewon told me they talked about it a lot,” jinsoul says, brows furrowed. sooyoung wonders if she’ll ever meet someone with more expressive eyebrows, “but sure, i’ll drop by at the restaurant tomorrow and we can talk about it.”

“it’ll be dead as fuck so fine,” she replies, closing her locker and adjusting the bag on her shoulder.

“anyway, i’ve got to go. principal wants me to meet some new transfer,” jinsoul points her thumb over her shoulder.

not having to do shit like that almost makes sooyoung feel grateful that she isn’t doing too well in school.

“wow, okay. have fun with that, miss honor roll,” sooyoung teases the blonde, waving as she heads to her class.

when she gets there she immediately gets a gentle reprimand from her teacher who asks that she makes sure she’s on time in the future.

apprehension fills sooyoung when she notices that the only available seat is next to jungeun in the middle of the room. who, by the way, is trying to make herself seem invisible as she shrinks down into her seat as her face turns red. if this were any other day, sooyoung would make fun of her. now though, she just sits down and tries to pretend that her friend isn’t even there.

(she’s steadfastly ignoring jiwoo’s presence to her left.)

she hears jungeun shift in her seat and sees her fidgeting her pen, tapping it against the table. jungeun always was more nervous than she liked to let on. sooyoung still thinks it’s cute how her friend tries to pretend she’s intimidating when in reality she shakes like a chihuahua at the slightest hint of confrontation.

(not that sooyoung is any better. however, her nervousness usually only shows itself around people she’s attracted to.)

“sooyoung,” jungeun begins, a tremble in her voice. sooyoung hums as she keeps her eyes on their teacher, watching her gesticulate to try and get her point across to bored teenagers.

“i just want you to know that i never wanted this to happen,” jungeun mutters trying to keep her voice down so they aren’t overheard. sooyoung feels irritation starting to build in her chest and notices jiwoo twitch in her chair slightly.

“hmm,” sooyoung starts, a bite in her voice, “d’you mean, you never wanted it to happen or did you just not want to get caught?”

“both,” jungeun retorts looking at the side of sooyoung’s face. and sooyoung would be surprised at the response but the other girl has always been frank, “it wasn’t _ever_ supposed to happen, you know? it just did and then we didn’t stop. i’m so sorry.”

“girls,” their teacher scolds them and sooyoung looks at the woman apologetically before actually writing down the notes on the board.

“how long?” sooyoung questions her friend. was she still her friend? sooyoung didn’t know.

“four months,” jungeun replies, a wet sigh leaving her as tears fill her eyes.

sooyoung takes in a harsh breath. she really must be blind if she had to be _told_ that her girlfriend had been cheating on her for four months without her knowing. or does that just say how much she was neglecting her relationship?

she really was an idiot.

now she's stuck here not knowing how to deal with the fact that a part of her _hates_ them for doing this to her but also knowing that she still loves them deeply because they'd known each other for so long and she doesn't want to let them go.

she doesn't know what to do.

“are you guys,” sooyoung starts, coughing slightly to cover up the emotion in her voice, “y’know, are you guys together now?”

“no,” jungeun admits and sooyoung can hear the longing in her voice. she feels relieved at the response because at least now she isn’t the only one feeling left behind.

“i think we’re going to take some time out and see what happens from there,” her friend(?) continues. sooyoung thinks jungeun has forgotten who she’s talking to for a moment because who the hell says that in this type of situation.

“well, i hope it all works out for you guys. i know it must’ve been so hard,” sooyoung scoffs, striking a harsh line through a word that she’d fucked up on her page.

“you aren’t a fucking martyr, sooyoung,” jungeun hissed quietly. they really shouldn’t be having this conversation during a class and yet, “this is just as much your fault as it is mine.”

sooyoung knows that but she’s not about to back down to _jungeun _of all people, especially when she’s feeling like this. she feels eyes on her and turns to her left only to find jiwoo glaring at the both of them.

“will the both of you stop it?” jiwoo demands and if sooyoung were feeling more like herself she’d feel bad that she’s caused whatever sadness that lingers in her eyes.

jungeun, on the other hand, folds like a scolded puppy.

sooyoung looks between the two of them before sighing and going back to her notes. this isn’t something that can be resolved in a day. honestly, she doesn’t even know if she wants it to be resolved because at least she has somewhere else to direct her negative feelings instead of herself.

they don’t talk for the rest of the class and sooyoung rushes out as fast she can when the bell rings.

✱✱✱

the rest of the morning passes in a dull blur with sooyoung only stopping to wave at her sisters and help that one freshman yeojin pick up her books from the floor after some junior had knocked into her and sent them flying.

it isn’t long before she finds herself sitting in the cafeteria with a disgruntled hyejoo sitting in front of her.

(chaewon not being around must be driving her sister crazy if she’s willingly sitting with sooyoung.)

“you don’t have to sit here,” sooyoung tries to assure the girl, “yerim, hyunjin and heejin are just over there.”

she points to the right of her to the table full of rowdy teenagers and watches as heejin tries to get hyunjin’s attention by being unbearably cute. hyunjin is obviously trying to annoy the girl by not giving in.

(jungeun and jiwoo are nowhere to be found but sooyoung refuses to let them ruin her lunch as well.)

“gross, no thanks,” hyejoo grumbles as she tears her bread apart, “living with them is enough. by the way, we need to go grocery shopping, i’m pretty sure we cleared everything out this morning.”

“maybe you’re just getting fat,” sooyoung jokes, kicking hyejoo’s foot under the table, “i’ll just get yerim to do it tomorrow.”

“she’s got some stupid student council thing tomorrow,” hyejoo retorts.

“if it was so stupid, you’d be on there in no time,” sooyoung replies lightly as she pops a grape into her mouth. she’ll have to make time for grocery shopping then, maybe after school.

“hey!” her sister whines.

they’re interrupted when jinsoul arrives with someone neither of them have met.

“hey,” jinsoul greets them casting a puzzled look at hyejoo who shrinks away from her.

sooyoung doesn’t spend too much time thinking about the exchange because she’s sure she’s met this girl before but she can’t recall enough to remember where from. she looks the girl up and down trying to place her. the short haired girl is wearing a pretty yellow dress that shows off her shoulders, her lips a cute red color.

the girl looks at her, confused as to why a complete stranger is looking at her so seriously.

“sooyoung,” jinsoul calls to get her attention as she sits down beside her, the blonde’s new friend sitting beside an apprehensive hyejoo, “this is the new transfer i told you about earlier.”

“haseul,” the short haired girl grins at her, eyes turning up into half moons, “you look familiar, have we met?”

it’s her voice that kick starts sooyoung’s memory.

of course, _of course,_ jinsoul would somehow befriend the person who puked right in front of (and on) her at that stupid party last night. she’s not as annoyed by it as she thought she would be. then again jinsoul is the softest person sooyoung’s ever met and she doubts she could ever stay mad at the blonde for long.

“uh,” sooyoung starts, a laugh building in her throat, “you could say that.”

she promptly ignores the weird look she gets from hyejoo as she picks up another grape and pops it in her mouth.

“thank god,” jinsoul hummed, “i don’t know how many more times i can introduce people. it’s driving me insane.”

“hey,” haseul exclaimed, “i’m not that bad.”

“oh, trust me, this isn’t about you at all,” jinsoul pats the shorter girl’s hand as she steals sooyoung’s banana, “this place is just a cess pool.”

“she’s not lying,” sooyoung confirms as she throws a grape at hyejoo to prod her sister into eating, “like, you may be a complete hot mess but most of the people here are complete morons.”

“hot mess?” haseul questions, brows rising in disbelief, “you don’t even know me.”

“oh, i think i saw everything i needed to last night,” sooyoung jokes.

“weren’t you getting trashed last night?” hyejoo quizzes, her voice muffled as shoved a piece of bread in her mouth.

haseul’s eyes widen in some sort of realization and her cheeks begin to turn red.

“oh god,” she whispers as she cringes, “please tell me i didn’t try to kiss you. i’m a touchy drunk.”

jinsoul and hyejoo seem to be watching them in eager anticipation, as if this was the best part of their day.

“oh no,” sooyoung laughs, feeling lighter than she has in a while, “it was even better.”

“_please_, just spit it out already,” haseul pleads cupping her cheeks in embarrassment.

she really should put the poor girl out of her misery.

“i don’t know if you remember,” sooyoung starts as she steals a bit of the bread hyejoo had torn up earlier, “but you got _really_ wasted. like, enough to puke—”

“oh my god,” haseul sounds mortified, “tell me i didn’t puke on you.”

(sooyoung thought she’d be mad if she ever met the stranger again but the hilarity of this situation has washed that away.)

“i mean, it only got on me a little bit,” sooyoung tries to reassure the girl as she squeezes her fingers together, “like, a _tiny_ bit. the pavement and the plants got the worst of it.”

“kill me now,” haseul puts her head in hands and lets out a semi-deranged giggle.

“sooyoung,” hyejoo drags her attention away from her new friend, “you really are an idiot.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah i'm the queen of over using commas i think. btw i'm aware that some of these convos may be mundane but that's life baby!
> 
> i have a basic outline for the next chapter but essentially: things happen.
> 
> ps: kudos are my life blood so please drop some if you guys don't like writing comments.
> 
> twt: redyrm


	3. three.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for casual(?) homophobia.
> 
> also,
> 
> seniors: 97 and 99line  
sophomores: 00 and 01line.

“what?” sooyoung asks hyejoo, disbelieving, “it’s what happened! i’m not gonna lie.”

sooyoung thinking that she’s an idiot is a lot different than her baby sister thinking that. she throws another one of grapes at hyejoo.

“oh, so you’d rather completely embarrass someone you don’t even know?” hyejoo retorts, throwing it back at her with annoyed look on her face. the grape just misses her face and hits her in the shoulder before falling onto the table.

(her sister may have a point.)

next to them, haseul lets out a sigh before looking over at sooyoung apologetically.

“i’m _so_ sorry,” haseul emphasized.

“it’s nothing,” sooyoung assures her, “really, don’t worry about it. it could’ve been like a thousand times worse. and hey, at least it’s something to talk about.”

“she’s not wrong,” jinsoul chimes in as she peels the banana she stole from her, “the both of them could be moping and nobody can deal with that for too long without wanting to off themselves.”

sooyoung and hyejoo both let out similar affronted whines and sooyoung moves to shove jinsoul off the bench they’re sitting only stopping when the blonde apologizes.

“why would you guys be moping anyway?” haseul asks as she picks at the sandwich she’d brought with her. sooyoung is mildly surprised at how bold she is but it’s always been a quality she likes in other people so she isn’t too upset by the question.

“let’s just say we’re having girl problems,” sooyoung answers for the both of them, “maybe not in the same way but...”

she trails off when she notices hyejoo shrinking into her seat, looking down at her hands as she continues to pick at her food. _maybe the chaewon thing is similar_, she thinks. that’s another thing she’ll have to talk to jinsoul about tomorrow.

“god, same here,” haseul commiserates with her, “we should start a club.”

“jinsoul’s banned immediately,” sooyoung says, ignoring the indignant noise her friend makes, “her girlfriend may be in college but they’re still going strong and it’s been, what, four years?”

“five in january,” jinsoul confirms and then takes a bite of her banana.

“you guys make me sick,” sooyoung jokes.

“does she go to school here?” haseul asks looking around the cafeteria.

“oh no, jinsoul’s got an older woman,” she replies. she notices how hyejoo has slowly become more withdrawn as the conversation has turned to girls and pokes her sister with her foot to see if she’s okay.

the lack of response says enough.

“if you say that i have a sugar mommy _one more time_,” jinsoul points the banana at her and threatens her with all the authority of a small poodle, “vivi’s only a year older than us! it’s not weird.”

“hey, to each their own,” haseul lifts her hands in acceptance.

oh, sooyoung grins, she’s going to like having haseul around. it may be mean but gently bullying jinsoul was always funny, purely because of how she reacted.

“honestly, sooyoungie maybe you should get a sugar mommy, i think it would solve a lot of your problems,” sooyoung knows it’s a joke on jinoul’s part so the comment only hurts a little bit.

plus, her sister’s noise of absolute disgust actually makes it funnier, she didn’t know hyejoo was even capable of making a noise like that, all low and gruff and nothing like her unusually high voice at all.

“never say anything like that in front of me again,” hyejoo begs jinsoul, hands clasped in front of her, “i don’t need to think about sooyoung like that ever.”

the rest of lunch is full of similar playful jabs and flies by all too quickly for sooyoung’s tastes. she’s happy that jinsoul introduced haseul to them as it gave them something new to focus on and brought a new friend into sooyoung’s life. one that she hopes will stay around for a long time.

✱✱✱

the day seems to pass by rather painlessly after that, with sooyoung rarely encountering jiwoo or jungeun and completely ignoring them when she does. she’s shoving her textbooks back into her locker when she overhears a bunch of yerim’s friends walking down the hallway

“oh please,” one of them starts, is it minju or minhee? she never did learn any of their names, “we all know that yerim will probably end up a dyke like her sisters.”

sooyoung’s blood runs cold.

“they’re already poor,” another one of them, a guy this time, “so it’s not like they’ll go anywhere in life either.”

that comment doesn’t phase her as much as the one about her sister.

(_also, who talks like that?_ sooyoung derides them internally, _yerim really is friends with some complete losers._)

they don’t seem to notice that sooyoung is in the hallway, too busy making fun of her family to care. as they pass her, sooyoung makes to grab for minju/minhee’s(?) wrist getting the attention of the group.

“what the fuck do you think you’re saying about my sisters?” sooyoung grits out, her grip tightening on the sophomore’s wrist.

the girl’s eyes widen as she realizes who’s talking to her and sooyoung has no care for the fear that builds in her eyes. she doesn’t get to just say that about her sister and think she’ll get away with it.

“oh my god,” the girl says, “s-sooyoung, i didn’t know that you were there.”

“and what?” sooyoung lets go of her wrist and begins to square up. yerim’s other friends say nothing, two of them leaving before they can get caught in the crossfire, “you were gonna keep talking shit about my sister, your friend, behind her back like that if i wasn’t?”

“sooyoung, stop it,” yerim calls from down the hall, mortified at her sister. she races over and pushes herself between sooyoung and her friend.

sooyoung jolts forward a little at the glint of victory she sees in the girl’s eyes.

“s-stop! just stop it,” yerim shoves at sooyoung’s shoulders urgently, making her step back a bit. looking at her sister, sooyoung feels her face soften.

“you're crazy if you think i'm going to let them talk about you like that, yerimie,” she defends herself.

“i don’t need your protection!” yerim fires back, enraged.

“yes, you do!” sooyoung enforces, “do you know what your so called friends just said about you, about us?”

“i can deal with it on my own,” yerim says, forcing sooyoung to take another step back.

“obviously not if you didn’t know your friends are calling you a dyke behind your back,” sooyoung bites. yerim’s face drops and tears begin building in her eyes.

sooyoung thinks that she may have just broken something she didn’t even know existed.

yerim’s friends have left by now, leaving without even greeting the girl or apologizing, trying to save their own skins.

“yerimie—” she moves to grasp her sister’s arms comfortingly but is promptly shoved away.

“why do you have to ruin _everything_?” yerim cries as she continues to push sooyoung back, “you don’t even think about the fact that you fuck things up! you don't even know how you do it either! and then you get surprised when me, hyejoo and hyunjin want nothing to do with you!”

sooyoung feels her face fall, going blank, she lets her little sister pummel her shoulders as a tear streaks down her face.

“why can’t you just leave me alone,” yerim finishes, her small hand clasping the front of sooyoung’s white t-shirt. the pleading look in her eyes, still wide with tears tugs at sooyoung’s heart, an ache starting to form.

“you want me to leave you alone?” sooyoung’s hand moves to grip yerim’s and shoves it away, “fine. don’t come crying to me when your friends leave you in the dirt and you don’t know what to do.”

for the first time ever, sooyoung thinks that yerim is a coward.

it’s horrible and sooyoung doesn’t know if she really means it but she’s on the defensive and feels the need to fight back somehow. her sister can smile and pretend everything’s okay if that’s what she wants, but that doesn't mean sooyoung has to be around to see it.

shoving past yerim, she doesn’t look back even as she hears her sister break down.

✱✱✱

guilt begins to eat at her later, as she walks through the grocery store, shopping list in hand. she really shouldn’t have treated yerim like that, she should be trying to connect with her sisters, not be pushing them away even further.

honestly, she thinks she’s beginning to make pushing her family away into an olympic sport.

yerim already hates her apparently, hyunjin doesn’t even acknowledge her existence half the time, too wrapped up in her girlfriend and soccer. all that’s left is hyejoo and she’s only talking to sooyoung because chaewon has suddenly dumped her for some unknown reason and at the rate sooyoung’s going she’ll probably ruin that soon as well.

sighing, she crosses off something from her list. if she wants to stick to her budget then she needs to not buy certain stuff, or at least buy discounted or cheaper versions of them.

she’s debating on what cereal to buy when she hears a voice call out to her from behind her.

“sooyoung! hey,” sooyoung turns to see haseul walking towards her. no longer in her pretty yellow dress from earlier, haseul has changed into a more comfortable sweatpants and flannel combo, some of her short hair pulled back into a small ponytail.

sooyoung likes the warmth emanating from the other girl, it makes her feel more at ease in her presence. haseul seems like someone who's good with people. better than she is at least.

“hi,” she smiles at her, putting one of the boxes of cereal she’d been holding into the shopping cart, “i didn’t know you lived in the area.”

“well, i did only move here like a week ago,” haseul replies, widening her eyes slightly and sooyoung nods her head as if to say, _ah, of course_.

the pair begin walking down the aisle and sooyoung is struck with the thought that she may need to say sorry for publicly embarrassing the girl earlier.

“i hope i didn’t push too hard at school earlier,” she starts as her hand comes up to rub the back of her neck.

haseul lets out an inquisitive hum as she steps onto the bar of her shopping cart, letting it roll forward freely. sooyoung’s eyebrow quirks slightly and a smile blooms on her face, her hand dropping to her side.

cute.

“with the whole ‘you’re a hot mess’ thing,” she continues, gaze trained on haseul’s side profile, “probably not something you wanted to hear about on your first day, especially from somebody you don’t even know. so, i’m sorry if it was a bit too much.”

haseul’s face scrunches up, she hops down from the shopping cart as they turn around the corner to the next aisle.

“it’s cool,” she shakes her head dismissively, “you and jinsoul weren't wrong about it giving us something to talk about. i don’t know how many more awkward silences i could take. y’know, my history teacher made me stand up in front of class and introduce myself?”

“oh hell, that’s just evil,” sooyoung says, forcing back memories of when she had to do that in elementary school.

“i know, right?” haseul stops to pick up a bag of rice from the shelf and sooyoung takes the time to check her list to see if she needs it as well, “it’s like they get joy out of embarrassing us.”

there’s a lull in conversation as they continue to walk throughout the store, picking up things they’d need along the way.

“so...” haseul begins apprehensively as she drops some sort of kale looking thing into her cart. sooyoung could only wish to be willing enough to eat that, “i saw you talking to a girl in the hallway earlier.”

“okay, it looked more like a fight,” she rushes out when she sees sooyoung’s raised brow, “and i just wanted to know if you were alright?”

oh.

the reminder of her fight with yerim makes the guilt come rushing back and causes her face to drop. god, how is she going to apologize to her sister after that? will yerim even want her to say sorry or will she just want to pretend like everything is fine like she always does?

(mostly, sooyoung wishes she could stop feeling completely miserable, but doesn’t seem like it’ll happen any time soon.)

“it was a fight,” sooyoung confirms not looking at haseul. she stops briefly considering whether or not she should really be confiding in someone she only met recently before deciding that haseul seems trustworthy enough, “my sister didn’t like me starting fights on her behalf apparently.”

“why were you fighting for her?” haseul coaxes.

“one of her little friends was calling her a dyke behind her back,” sooyoung admits, shoving some broccoli into her cart, “and me being me, i’m not gonna let that stand.”

“okay, i understand that,” haseul says, “if i had siblings i’d probably be do the same, but i think i also get why she’d be annoyed.”

sooyoung hums.

“like, if my big sister just started fighting my friends outta nowhere, i’d be pretty pissed,” haseul reasons, “especially if i knew i could handle it myself.”

“she said the same thing basically,” sooyoung replies.

“some people just need to be left to make mistakes on their own, y’know?” haseul continues, pushing some of her hair behind her ear, “the more you try to protect them, the more it might make them hate you. and maybe she was a bit embarrassed that you made a scene.”

sooyoung hadn’t even thought about that.

when she thinks back she remembers yerim looking around them, trying to see if anyone was in the hallway. sooyoung had been too focused on the whole pushing and shoving thing to really notice it at the time.

(it isn’t lost on her that whilst she knows that yerim loves keeping up appearances, she’d completely forgotten that making a scene would ruin that.)

“look, i’m sorry if i’m overstepping,” haseul begins to apologize but she turns silent when sooyoung shakes her hand.

“nah, you aren’t wrong,” sooyoung acknowledges, “i think i let the fact that i’m the one that has to take care of them by myself get to my head sometimes.”

“them?” haseul asks.

“i have three sisters,” sooyoung responds, “hyejoo, who you met earlier, yerim, who i was fighting, and hyunjin. they’re triplets, it’s a nightmare.”

“almost makes me happy that i’m an only child,” haseul comments whilst she checks her watch, thumb rubbing across the leather strap.

by this point, they’ve finished walking around the store at this point and have begun ringing their stuff up at the cash register.

it doesn’t take either of them too long and soon they’re both hanging outside the front of the store, waiting for haseul’s mom to come and pick her up.

“look,” haseul says, putting down her groceries and turning to grasp sooyoung’s shoulders gently. sooyoung looks down at her, confused and also slightly uncomfortable at the proximity.

“i’m sure you and your sister will make up,” haseul asserts, shaking her a little, “and if you don’t, i can always make you a ‘fuck up of the year’ t-shirt.”

the abrupt joke makes sooyoung bark out a laugh, a light feeling filling her chest. she has a feeling haseul will always have her on her toes somehow.

“wow, thanks,” she nudges haseul subtly, “i look forward to it.”

a car pulls up and haseul moves away, amusement shining in her eyes as she picks up her stuff and enters her mom’s car. sooyoung gives her a wave as they drive by.

she’s definitely going to like having haseul around.

✱✱✱

two hours and two bus rides later, sooyoung is panting, out of breath from practising the routine the choreographer had given them during their session.

coming to the dance studio is probably one of the only opportunities sooyoung gets to release her pent up emotions. it’s why she’ll never give it up, even if her work demands that she can’t come sometimes.

(she also needs one thing to herself, something that doesn’t revolve around her sisters.)

normally, jungeun would be sitting beside her and they’d both whine about their choreographer being a hard ass but... well, things change. sooyoung hopes they can reach a place in future where everything resembles at least some of the normality of before.

dancing is a passion both of them share and sooyoung doesn’t want what happened with jiwoo to ruin it completely.

her brooding is interrupted by a newly blonde chaewon dropping down to sit beside her.

“hi?” sooyoung greets her quizzically, “since when did you start coming here?”

“forget that,” chaewon ignores her question, looking at her directly, “tell hyejoo she needs to get her head out of her ass.”

what the fuck?

“uh, can i ask why?” if sooyoung wasn’t afraid of hurting hyejoo like she did to yerim earlier, she’d probably try and fight chaewon too.

chaewon’s also never this direct, at least not to sooyoung’s knowledge. mostly she remembers her being soft and quiet. though she was always too busy playing around with hyejoo, so it shouldn’t be a surprise that she doesn’t know much about the girl.

“no,” chaewon asserts, “tell her to answer my texts and to stop pretending i don’t exist. she doesn’t get to ignore me over something she started.”

hyejoo’s reaction to when they were talking about girl problems at school earlier flashes in her mind. maybe it really was more similar to what she and haseul were implying than she originally thought.

chaewon has already moved away before sooyoung can ask any more questions, leaving the taller girl gaping at her retreating back.

seriously, what the fuck?

(this really was her life now wasn’t it?)

✱✱✱

her (very one-sided) exchange with chaewon still plays in her mind as she enters her house later that evening.

she’s closing the door behind her when she sees hyejoo coming down the stairs, looking at her phone as if waiting for it to ring.

“hyejoo,” sooyoung calls her sister over as she’s hanging her jacket up on the coat hook. she gestures for the other girl to come closer at her confused expression.

she doesn’t know if hyunjin and yerim are close by and she'd rather not have them overhear the conversation if they are, doesn’t know if hyejoo would even want to talk about whatever is going on between her and chaewon.

“i saw chaewon at my dance class—,” sooyoung says.

“did she say anything to you?” hyejoo interrupts, her eyes wide with panic. her hand comes up to clasp at sooyoung’s sleeve and she’s reminded of how hyejoo would cling to her side when she was younger and anxiety had filled her tiny body.

“is she okay? did she seem upset?” hyejoo continues, fingers tightening around her arm.

“calm down,” sooyoung places her hand over her sister’s, “she didn’t seem upset. i think she was more angry than anything.”

“what did she say?” hyejoo’s face had fallen at the mention of chaewon’s anger. sooyoung is starting to think her sister really may have fucked up if she was acting like this.

“i don’t know,” she shrugged, “just that you need to get your head out of your ass, and to stop ignoring her over something you did.”

“ah,” hyejoo looks at her phone and sooyoung thinks she would have a heart attack if she ever had that many unread text notifications from one person.

even jiwoo knew when to let it go and leave her alone when they fought.

“does this have to anything to do with chae dropping out?” she inquires, itching at her eyebrow.

“kind of? i don’t know,” hyejoo replies, not looking her in the eye as she puts her phone in the pocket of her sweatpants, “they both kind of happened around the same time.”

“jinsoul said you guys talked about chaewon leaving a lot,” she says and hyejoo’s hand drops from her sleeve.

"we did," hyejoo admits, "i just don't want to talk about it with you."

sooyoung reels a bit at the reply and hyejoo makes a face, as if realizing how bad that came out.

"it's not what you think!" she reaches out to grasp sooyoung's sleeve again, "it's— you already have your own stuff going on. what with your break up a-and then yerim told us you fought earlier and i don't want to add to all of the rest your shit, y'know?"

oh well, that saves her from feeling even worse.

taking in what hyejoo has told her, she moves to run a hand over her sister's hair.

"you don't need to worry about me, okay?" sooyoung pats hyejoo's head lightly as she starts to move past her, "but hey, if you do want to talk about it, just let me know."

she feels a tug on her arm to get her to turn around and doesn't realize what's happening until she feels hyejoo's arms wrap around her shoulders, pulling her into a hug. her own arms dangle at her sides briefly before she reaches up and presses her hands against hyejoo's back.

she wonders when hyejoo got so tall.

her sister doesn't let the hug last too long and sooyoung lets out a short chuckle at the look of embarrassment that crosses hyejoo's face when she lets go.

she leaves first, to save her poor sister's pride, making to move through the living room to reach the kitchen so she can get some water.

she stops when she notices heejin and hyunjin on the couch, half asleep as a movie plays on their tv in the background. the sight them fills her with a sense of longing. she misses when she and jiwoo would spend their time doing much of the same, putting on movies or shows just to have an excuse to be close to each other.

she's been trying to ignore how she's been feeling about the break up but that's probably not going to happen tonight.

sooyoung walks into the kitchen and grabs a bottle of water before going upstairs, trying to be as quiet as she can so she doesn't wake up the sleeping pair.

✱✱✱

she pretends not to hear how yerim is talking about her down the phone to her friends as she walks past her room on the way to her own. there's only so much she can focus on at once, she doesn't want to completely spiral out tonight.

she closes her bedroom door quietly and leans against it momentarily, pressing her water bottle to her forehead. the silence of her room borders on suffocating but sooyoung welcomes it, she hasn't been completely alone in days.

she moves to sit at her desk, rifling through the pile of letters left sitting there and tries not to think about how they're bills and how they're all probably going to go up soon, and then she'll have to figure out a _new _way to pay them all off, without having to contact her parents and ask them for money.

if her mom and dad’s phone numbers are still the same that is.

she shoves the letters into a drawer in her desk, taking her thoughts with them.

now all she needs to do is take all the photos she has of her and jiwoo together down. her eyes linger on one of the picture frames that sits on her desk. it’s one that jinsoul had taken of them, sooyoung and jiwoo lost in their own conversation, hearts in their eyes as they looked at each other.

sooyoung wonders when she stopped feeling like that.

she's been trying not to think about it, too consumed in her own anger over the cheating but if she's honest with herself, she'd fallen out of love with jiwoo some time ago. or, she thinks so, at least. her feelings had turned from overwhelming to tepid at some point and she can't figure out when. it doesn't stop her from missing jiwoo like a lost limb though.

she thinks about taking the photo out and destroying it but decides against it. she wants to remember that they _were_ happy once, even if they aren't together now.

(and won't ever be again, is what she won't admit to herself.)

it’s not long before she’s taking down some of other photos of them that litter her room. she’ll need to find some place to put them but for now she just places them face down on her desk.

lying down in bed after getting changed she finally lets her crushing feelings of loneliness and pure longing consume her.

all she can hope is that this all ends soon, one way or another.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this got cut short bc i shuffled some stuff around and i didn't want the chapter getting too overloaded with info.
> 
> next chapter will finally have intro to sooyoung's work place and more info on the chaewon dilemma.


	4. four.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> things certainly do happen in this one. i also got a job recently so updating may slow down a lot bc i work 35hrs a week now.
> 
> edit: spacing issues and formatting fixed up a bit bc i'm blind apparently

she can’t wait for jinsoul to get here already.

  
she wasn’t lying when she said it would be dead as fuck at the restaurant the other day and the some of the only customers, she’s had have been unbearable. having to sit and watch as her boss repeatedly tells an elderly couple, that no, they can’t use the coupons they brought with them because they’re two months out of date isn’t exactly an invigorating experience.

  
she’s honestly surprised that people will really try and get away with paying as little as possible in a place that doesn’t actually cost all that much to eat at in the first place.

  
she remembers on one occasion when a single mom had tried to get a discount on her dinner, claiming that she didn’t like it and that it had been cooked wrong, despite the fact that the woman hadn’t taken a single bite of her order.

  
and that had been one of the less extreme customers.

  
she’s found that the general public love to take advantage of those who are paid to cater to them no matter what. though she won’t lie, she does have more good days at work than bad ones. it’s one reason why she likes working here.

  
her boss, a portly middle-aged man called seongmin, seems to have finally been able to convince the elderly couple that they’ll have to pay full price. he turns and rolls his eyes at sooyoung as he comes over to take the card payment machine from the bar top.

  
sooyoung shakes her head and lets out a breathy laugh, looking down at her notepad. she makes her way to another table, a young family of four, to check if everything is okay before picking up some supplies to give some of the empty tables a good clean. 

  
it’s nearing closing anyway, so there isn’t that much for her to do besides commiserate with her boss and the kitchen staff, clean tables and give the odd customer their bill. this has definitely been one of her easier shifts to say the least. 

  
the bell above the door rings to signify that someone has entered the restaurant and sooyoung looks over as jinsoul makes her way to the bar top, blonde hair in a ponytail and black baseball cap on. she assumes it must be starting to rain considering how her friend looks a bit damp, the ends of her jacket dripping onto the floor and her converse squeaking slightly as she walks across the wood. 

  
sooyoung finishes up as quick as she can before signaling to seongmin that she’s going to take a fifteen-minute break, throwing the man a grin as he lets out a fake beleaguered sigh and pretends to throw a dish cloth in her direction.

  
she pats jinsoul on the back in greeting and begins to lead her into one of the back offices where she usually dumps her stuff for safe keeping. 

  
“okay,” sooyoung starts as jinsoul leans against the small row of lockers that occupy the room, “wanna just get straight to it? the chaewon thing, that is, we can talk about my break-up after. this seems more important, i think.” 

  
(she’s absolutely not deflecting at all.) 

  
“apparently, hyejoo was helping her out a lot,” jinsoul begins, running with it as she scratches at her jaw, “you know, chaewon’s always found it hard in school, with her dyslexia and the teachers at school are completely useless. but she told me how hyejoo had been helping her with her homework and understanding what was going on whenever they had classes together.” 

  
sooyoung feels a sense of pride begin to fill her chest for her sister’s actions. she’s happy to know that despite how sullen the girl is, hyejoo at least tried to make life easier for chaewon in school. 

  
it may not have kept the small blonde in school but knowing that hyejoo tries for the people she cares about, outside of the family, is important to sooyoung. 

  
(she may be in a rut right now, but sooyoung likes to believe that she’s someone who knows how to show care and compassion for other people.) 

  
“but i guess they had a fight or something before school ended for summer,” jinsoul continues, “because chae just started failing a bunch of tests and her gpa tanked.” 

  
now that jinsoul has mentioned it, sooyoung remembers about a solid two months a bit earlier in the year when hyejoo had just locked herself in her room for hours at a time. sooyoung feels bad for attributing that to her sister wasting her time on video games and not an actual problem. 

  
“and i don’t know what happened between them at the start of the school year,” jinsoul stands up to stretch her legs, “but suddenly it’s the middle of october and chaewon is telling our mom that she’s dropping out because she doesn’t see the point in going if all she’s going to do is fail.” 

  
“hyejoo didn’t try to stop her?” sooyoung asks. her sister had obviously made up with chaewon during the summer because the pair had seemed even more attached than usual, with chaewon staying over several times a week and vice versa. 

  
then again, sooyoung thinks back to how her sister hadn’t wanted to add to her issues and how that may have also applied to chaewon. maybe the blonde had been so set on dropping out that all hyejoo could do was try to offer any support she could rather than try and convince her to stay. 

  
and then there’s the big question mark that surrounds what happened between the two girls before and/or when chaewon dropped out. 

  
“from what chae told me, she was totally supportive,” jinsoul confirms sooyoung’s suspicions. sooyoung frowns minutely, she thinks hyejoo should probably work on being more assertive with her opinions, especially with someone she cares about. 

  
“do you think your dad getting sick had anything to do with it?” sooyoung hadn’t forgotten that the man was constantly getting pneumonia despite the medication he’d been given to help him. she thinks she remembers jinsoul telling her that he had been sick again around the start of september, “are they close like that?” 

  
“i think so,” the blonde nods, “she’s always looked up to him, so she’s been hurting a lot.” 

  
sooyoung moves over to jinsoul, grabbing one of the girl’s hands and squeezing it comfortingly. jinsoul may seem happy-go-lucky most of the time but sooyoung knew that was a front that she sometimes used to hide her worries behind. and jinsoul always was a bit of a daddy’s girl so him getting sick again is probably hurting her a lot right now. 

  
at least her friend has vivi. 

  
“anyway, how are you and vivi doing by the way?” sooyoung asks, pivoting away from the morbid turn in conversation, she really hasn’t had the chance to sit down and talk to jinsoul in forever and regrets not having the time to do it. “has it been hard with vivi being in college?” 

  
she lets go of her hand and watches as jinsoul starts to pace around the room a bit.

“it’s been okay, i think?” jinsoul sounds confused as she tugs on the sleeves of her jacket, “from what she’s told me, her classes have been kicking her ass. we haven’t been able to talk in a few days, but she’s visiting in two weeks so i think we’ll be okay.”

  
it’s comforting to know that somebody in her life seems to be doing well. at least a little bit.

  
“what happened with you and jiwoo?” jinsoul turns the conversation around on sooyoung, knowing that her friend is totally trying to avoid talking about it all. “you made it seem like it ended badly.”

  
“it did,” sooyoung scoffs, about to run her hand through her hair before remembering it's tied back, “she cheated on me.”

  
_no point in dragging this shit out,_ sooyoung rationalizes and jinsoul deserves to know what’s been going on, especially with what the blonde had just told her about chaewon and her father.

  
“what the hell? i thought you guys were doing good,” jinsoul says, confusion apparent on her face.

  
“not really,” sooyoung picks at her fingers, “i canceled a ton of dates because i needed some more money for summer. canceled our anniversary too, which was fucking stupid.”

  
if there’s anything she regrets right now, it was canceling that date. she’d really been looking forward to it but... well, shit happens.

(she refuses to think about that day most of the time.)

  
“anyway, turns out jiwoo had been cheating for four months,” sooyoung reveals and the look jinsoul’s face changes from confusion to genuine frustration. jinsoul and jiwoo hadn’t been that close, they would only really talk in class or during lunch.

  
jiwoo had told sooyoung once that she’d actually been intimidated by the blonde when they first met, and then slightly jealous because sooyoung had started hanging out with jinsoul more than with her and jungeun.

sooyoung had laughed over how ridiculous it was at the time.

"are you okay? who did she do it with? or was it more than one person?" jinsoul tries to get as many questions out as she can, sooyoung has to go back to work soon and the blonde doesn't want to drop the conversation and have to wait even longer to know.

"you know me, i'll get over it soon," sooyoung tries to reassure the girl, lying through her teeth. the look jinsoul shoots her tells her she hasn't succeeded, "and it was only one person. jungeun."

"what the _fu_—" jinsoul is interrupted by seongmin opening the door, an apologetic look on his face.

"need you back out there, kid," he points over his shoulder. sooyoung gives him a nod and he leaves, shooting a smile at both of them.

"you're not getting out of this," jinsoul asserts, poking at sooyoung's shoulder with her finger as she leaves the back room.

"i'm sure you won't let me," sooyoung chuckles, following after the blonde and then making her way to the bar top to pick up her notepad.

"i'll call you," jinsoul waits for sooyoung to nod before heading back out into the rain to get to her car.

(sooyoung thinks she'll just text her friend the rest of it, she doesn't want to have to keep rehashing the same conversation over and over.) 

✱✱✱

sooyoung is putting away some of the dishes that had been cleaned and left to dry before she left for work earlier. it had been yerim’s turn to do it, but she thought better than to go and force the girl to put their shit away when they aren’t talking.

  
hearing movement from the living room, she goes to see which one of the girls had come in. secretly, she hopes it’s hyejoo because she wants to try and pry more information out of her about chaewon to get a feel to see how hyejoo actually feels about the whole thing.

  
she isn’t too surprised that she finds hyunjin sitting on the couch instead. she _is_ surprised that heejin isn’t with her considering the pair are rarely seen without the other.

  
(plus, heejin has been at their house most days this year. sooyoung would ask hyunjin about it but doesn’t want to get her head bitten off for interfering where she shouldn't.)

  
she still needs to apologize to her.

  
“hyunjinie,” sooyoung calls to the girl sitting in the living room, “i’m sorry i told you off about not telling me you had heejin over. you were right, i should’ve looked at my phone.”

  
hyunjin’s monotone hum doesn’t do anything but make her feel tired.

  
it’s been like that with them for months. sooyoung will say something and hyunjin will give her half a response, the only real bridges between the two of them are heejin and their sisters.

  
sometimes sooyoung just feels like they’re from two completely different worlds and that they’ll never have the sort of relationship that she would like them to have.

  
“you’re gonna have to talk to me at some point without heejin or the girls here,” sooyoung says.

  
“we both know that’s never gonna happen,” hyunjin replies as she flicks through channels on the tv.

  
“this will only get worse if neither of us try and i know you’re smart enough to get that,” sooyoung retorts. hyunjin’s a straight a student, sooyoung knows she’s not an idiot, despite how she may want to portray herself sometimes.

  
“what do we even have to talk about sooyoung?” hyunjin turns to look at where she’s leaning against the door frame, “seriously, we have nothing in common that’s good to talk about and i’m not gonna waste my time talking about things that make me upset. i’ve seen what it’s doing to you.”

  
that shuts her up.

  
“like, do i want to talk about our parents leaving? fuck no, it happened and i doubt there’s anything we can say to make them come back,” hyunjin has started to ramble, “i’m not going to waste my time talking about your failed relationship when 1) you won’t tell me about it anyway and 2) i have my own to focus on. and i sure as hell don’t want to talk about your job because then you make it seem like working to take care of us is such a goddamn chore.”

  
sooyoung tilts her head back to stop tears that had gathered in her eyes during hyunjin’s rant from falling down her cheeks. she lets out a wet little laugh. she honestly doesn’t know what to think or say.

  
“you’re like a fucking black hole, sucking out any happiness when you enter a room and i don’t want anything to do with it, okay?” hyunjin seems to have run out of steam, if her heavy breathing is any indication.

  
“okay, okay,” sooyoung says, squeezing her eyes shut briefly before looking in hyunjin’s direction. her sister seems resolute, like she doesn’t give two shits what sooyoung thinks about what she’s had to say, or if it had hurt her or not.

  
“you know what?” she continues, running a hand through her hair, “do whatever the fuck you want then. it’s obvious we’re never gonna get anywhere.”

  
with that she storms out of the living room and makes her way up to her bedroom.

  
(if she’s honest, she’s running away.)

  
“deal with your own shit, sooyoung,” hyunjin calls after her, “and then maybe we can talk.”

  
✱✱✱

she bumps into yerim in the hallway, but she doesn’t spare the girl a glance as she continues to run to the safety of her bedroom. sooyoung doesn’t want to deal with or talk to any of her sisters after her ver one-sided fight with hyunjin. all she wants is to be alone.

she misses the look of sadness and regret that crosses yerim’s face. 

✱✱✱

  
it’s been a few days since their break-up and sooyoung regrets agreeing to jiwoo’s request to talk to her in the courtyard at lunch almost immediately. 1) it’s cold as hell and 2) jiwoo knows all of her weak points and she doesn’t know if she wants to be feeling so vulnerable today.

  
(she’s still recovering from hyunjin’s tirade.)

  
“we both know that your parents leaving hurt you a lot, sooyoung,” jiwoo mumbles and sooyoung can’t believe she’s going there.

  
“don’t even _start_—”

  
there are too many layers to her issues with her parents, stuff that she hasn’t told anybody. stuff that she’s even hidden from her sisters.

  
(sometimes her head still rings with her mother’s voice, of how she had called sooyoung worthless and how she regretted having her, before she and her father had left again.)

  
“they left like what, 10 months ago? a year?” jiwoo ignores the warning tone in sooyoung’s voice, “this has been the longest they’ve been gone right? i remember they only used to be away for maybe 3 months between their visits. and every time they left i saw how much it hurt you, but now... i don’t know.”

  
“know what?” sooyoung prods, anger still in her tone though she wants to hear what jiwoo has to say.

  
“it’s just— this time, you changed,” the girl fiddles with her bangs a bit, avoiding sooyoung’s gaze, “usually you’d bounce back after a week or two but this... you became a lot colder, y’know? i think a part of you just went _in_ and locked itself away.”

  
“thank you, dr. phil, for that psychoanalysis,” sooyoung rolls her eyes and jiwoo lets out a scoff. the redhead is used to sooyoung’s snarky attitude but that doesn’t make it any less annoying.

  
“listen, all i’m saying is that you changed, a lot,” jiwoo tries to reach for sooyoung but thinks better of it when she sees the seriousness in her eyes, “you weren’t always so serious, like, i think you forget that we, and you, were actually happy.”

  
“i remember,” sooyoung mutters in agreement. right now, that happiness feels like a distant dream, like it didn’t actually happen to her but someone else entirely.

  
“you changed and our relationship started falling apart because of it, i think,” jiwoo continues and any sort of sympathetic feeling sooyoung had begun to feel for her flies out of the window because there’s no way in hell that she’s letting jiwoo place the blame solely on her.

  
“i may have changed and you may not have liked it,” sooyoung spits out, brows furrowed, “but you _chose_ to do what you did. nobody made you do it. not me, not jungeun, _you_.”

  
“you think i don’t know that?” jiwoo has the gall to sound affronted, “you think i don’t feel guilty whenever i look at either of you? i miss you both so much and all i can think about is how i’m the one who ruined our friendship.”

  
sooyoung thinks she’s talking more about jungeun than she is about her.

  
“but don’t think for one second that your actions didn’t lead to me cheating on you,” jiwoo stares long and hard at sooyoung, truly trying to get her point across, “yes, it was horrible of me to do it but both of us are responsible, and we both have to figure out how to deal with that.”

  
“my actions?” sooyoung scoffs, “i haven’t done anything besides cancel a few dates.”

  
“exactly, you did _nothing_,” jiwoo emphasizes, “and i went and found somebody else who could give me what i needed.”

  
for the first time since this argument started, sooyoung actually feels genuinely remorseful. she didn’t think her lack of action in their relationship could’ve led to its failure.

  
(not thinking seems to be her thing lately, she’s beginning to realize. or it has been for a while and she just hasn’t noticed.)

  
sooyoung lets out a wet sigh as her hands curl into loose fists at her sides. she really needs to make time to look back on their relationship for the past year to see what went wrong.

  
she doesn’t want to keep repeating the same mistakes over and over. she wants to be able to keep moving forward, in whatever way she can. doing it is the hard part.

  
mostly she just wants her friends back.

  
“why did it have to be jungeun?” the question seems to surprise jiwoo, her eyes widening, “you could’ve picked anybody to ‘give you what you needed’ but you picked our friend, why?

  
all she can really hope is that jiwoo hadn’t caught feelings for the girl, there’s only so many blows to her ego that she can take right now

  
“jungeun already had feelings for me,” the redhead reveals, looking anywhere but at sooyoung, “she told me that she’d had feelings for me for years one time when you and i were fighting.”

  
okay, that wasn’t something that sooyoung had even considered. though, thinking back to her talk with jungeun in class last week, and the longing she’d heard in the other girl’s voice and how the girl was always ready to do anything that jiwoo wanted even if she didn’t particularly like it, she maybe should’ve thought about it a bit harder.

  
“do you have feelings for her?” sooyoung’s hands clench at her sides, she doesn’t know what answer she wants.

  
“no,” jiwoo says and the finality of it is jarring. sooyoung thought jiwoo would’ve at least felt something for jungeun if she’d go as far as starting an affair with the girl.

  
sooyoung is hit with a sudden pang of sympathy for her friend, wonders if she knows what jiwoo truly feels about the whole thing.

  
(she also wonders if jiwoo is telling the truth, considering how good at lying she’s somehow gotten in the past few months.)

  
“jungeun seems to think you guys are gonna give it a try,” sooyoung reveals, “were you lying to her when you told her that?”

  
“i don’t know,” jiwoo actually seems conflicted, like she doesn’t know if she should’ve promised jungeun that.

  
“does she know that you didn’t have feelings for her when you... you know,” sooyoung should really stop this conversation now but her curiosity is grating on her to get more answers.

  
“no,” jiwoo mumbles, fixing her bangs again as if she’s trying to hide behind the movement.

  
“wow,” sooyoung lets out, “i thought you were a better person than that, jiwoo.”

  
“she knew what she was getting into,” jiwoo tries to defend herself and only ends up ruining sooyoung’s perception of her even more, “after the first time at least.”

  
“don’t tell me you made it a friends with benefits thing...” sooyoung can’t help the shock that bleeds into her tone, her eyebrows raising.

  
(she’s actually starting to feel a bit ridiculous, talking about the intricacies of her ex-girlfriend’s affair.)

  
a look of barely concealed shame crosses jiwoo’s face and sooyoung knows she has her answer. she’s been disappointed in the other girl before, back when they were together and the redhead made decisions that sooyoung didn’t necessarily agree with, but she’s never thought that jiwoo would be capable of _this_.

  
especially not to someone they both consider dear to them.

  
sooyoung thinks that she should have another talk with jungeun, and soon, just so the brunette knows the truth and that she knows that what she wants to happen with jiwoo may not happen at all. the girl may have hurt her deeply but that doesn’t mean sooyoung thinks that she should be as well. especially not by the same goddamn person.

(if she gets a small sense of satisfaction out of it, well... that's only for her to know.)

“i think you changed as well, jiwoo,” sooyoung says, taking her phone out of her pocket to check the time. they’re going to have to cut this short soon, “i don't know when or how, but the entire time we were together i never thought that you could be cruel like this.”

“yeah, well, maybe you didn’t know me very well at all,” jiwoo spits back before shoving herself away from the table and stalking her way back inside.

  
it makes sooyoung think that there’s more going on there than even she knows.

sooyoung watches as jiwoo walks away, eyebrows drawn low in frustration, and thinks they’ve gotten both somewhere and nowhere at all.

✱✱✱

  
a bio test she took last week comes back with a huge, red f scrawled in the top right corner and sooyoung wishes she could find it in herself to feel bad about it. she knows she can do better, so this isn’t too much of a setback. she’ll just have to spend some more time studying. 

(how or when she’ll actually find the time to do any of the things she needs to do is a mystery, even to her.)

  
✱✱✱

  
“guys are so disgusting,” is what haseul greets her with as sooyoung’s rifling through her locker and debating whether or not to just ditch class entirely.

  
sooyoung turns to look at her as haseul leans against the closed lockers to her left. if she’s honest, haseul doesn’t look like she’s doing good, her usually sharp and intuitive eyes now glancing around the hallway, frazzled.

  
“i mean, they _are_ a disease,” sooyoung jokes, trying to ease haseul’s mind, or at least distract her just a bit.

  
she’s not lying about men being a disease though. sooyoung remembers when hyejoo would come into her room, back when they were a bit closer, crying over how guys would treat her in school. her sister wouldn’t tell her what they would say to her, but it wasn’t hard to guess.

  
hyejoo had always looked older than she actually was and sooyoung was smart enough to know that guys would try to take advantage of that.

  
(“you look mature for your age,” is also something sooyoung herself had gotten when she was younger from gross middle-aged creeps who would stand way too close to her on the bus. she'll still get some customers that will try and grope her whilst she's working every now and then.)

  
after hyejoo had talked to her about those guys, sooyoung had noticed how her sister had started to dress herself more conservatively, almost as if she thought that what she wore was the reason why guys talked to her like that. and not the fact that those guys were completely responsible for how they acted.

her sister always was a lot softer than her image presented and got hurt by what other people would say about her a lot.

thankfully, she thinks that hyejoo has moved past that period of insecurity.

haseul lets out a weary laugh at sooyoung's poor attempt at humor, pushing her glasses up her nose and looking up at her. sooyoung gives her a grin.

"some asshole tried to take a picture..." haseul trails off and sooyoung feels her face twist with worry. there's been a junior going around taking pictures up a bunch of girls' skirts for a while. from what sooyoung remembers the school had only suspended him for two weeks. 

yeah, the principal of this place was a fucking moron.

sooyoung's attention is drawn to the way haseul's thumb rubs at the leather strap of the watch on her left hand. it seems to be something the girl does a lot, sooyoung just assumes it's a nervous tic and doesn't bother asking her about it.

"you're okay though, right?" she asks the shorter girl, closing her locker and throwing her backpack over her shoulder.

haseul matches her pace as they walk to their shared history class.

"i'll probably try and push it back into a tiny box in my mind and try and forget it ever happened," the bleak comment shocks sooyoung into to looking at the girl, only to find haseul trying to hide a grin behind her hand.

(it doesn't escape her notice that haseul's watch doesn't seem to work.)

"you really are an asshole," sooyoung bumps her shoulder against haseul's, a small smirk on her face, "i like it."

"well, i live to serve," haseul replies as they enter their classroom.

sooyoung doesn't realize that haseul had avoided answering her question until the rest of the day is over.

  
✱✱✱

  
school's close to ending when sooyoung notices a small group forming around that one freshman, yeojin, and concern fills her veins. it can’t be good; she’s seen how people in school have been treating her for the past few weeks and it makes her wonder how people can be so casually cruel.

  
she walks over when she sees one of the kids start to push yeojin around, her hand gripping the strap of her backpack tightly.

  
“yo, shitheads!” sooyoung jeers at them. some of the boys in the group turn at the sound of her voice and she sees them pale slightly.

  
jesus, she’s not that scary.

  
she shoves through the crowd of freshmen to stand defensively in front of yeojin.

  
“get the fuck outta here,” sooyoung pushes one of the taller girls away, “god, what are a bunch of losers like you guys even doing?”

  
“what the fuck? who the fuck are you?” the guy in front of her asks. sooyoung can feel one of yeojin’s hands clasp at the back of her jacket in fear.

  
“doesn’t matter,” sooyoung replies, deadly serious, “get lost.”

  
most of the kids go, obviously thinking that the whole ordeal was a waste of time. they just wanted to get a kick out of bullying someone who can’t really defend themselves and yeojin looks to be an easy target.

  
the guy in front of her, some wannabe jock who looks he never showers shoves at her in retaliation. sooyoung lifts her hand and strikes him hard across the face. his head snaps to the right and sooyoung can see the regret that builds there.

  
“you heard me,” she looks at him directly. her hand clenches at her side, pins and needles beginning to numb her hand. she forgot that hitting people fucking hurts but go figure.

the boy scurries away, metaphorical tail between his legs.

  
she turns to check on yeojin quickly, but the girl only ducks her head and shoves past her, trying to leave as soon as possible without anybody seeing her.

god, she'll really have to try and find away to get the girl some kind of help. and soon. 

  
✱✱✱

  
later, sooyoung comes home to hyejoo pacing the living room, her hands twisting around each other repeatedly. hyejoo looks as if she's trying to give herself some sort of pep talk. sooyoung steps in with some trepidation, she’s never seen her sister act likes before and she doesn’t know how to approach this situation.

  
“hyejoo?” she questions softly and jolts a little when hyejoo just about jumps out of her own skin, whirling around to look at her, her gaze frantic.

(hyejoo used to be prone to panic attacks in middle school and sooyoung worries that she might be on the verge of one now.)

  
“sooyoung!” hyejoo walks closer, a ball of nerves, stops and then begins pacing in front of her again.

sooyoung waits until hyejoo seems like she's calmed down a little before sending her a quizzical look. hyejoo takes a final calming breath before fully facing her sister, her hands no longer fidgeting.

“how do you tell a girl you’re in love with her?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> be happy that i completely changed how the yves and hyejoo relationship was gonna go ladies. though i did fuck chuulip up in retaliation lmfao.
> 
> set up stuff should really be ending soon but we'll see.
> 
> twt: redyrm  
cc: curiouscat.me/4d8


	5. five.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 6k... this is all very nice i think.

you know, of all the things she expected hyejoo to ask her it sure as fuck wasn’t that.

  
“c’mon, you’ve dated girls, you have to know,” hyejoo sounds borderline desperate for an answer.

  
“i’ve dated _one_ person in my entire life,” sooyoung says, her voice verging on shrill, “also, you’re a baby, why, would you be in love!?”

  
there’s no way she can even conceive of her sister being in a relationship let alone _in love_. hyejoo has always been the big baby of the bunch. hyunjin and yerim have been doing their own thing for ages and kind of detached themselves from sooyoung during middle school, both feeling the need to make more friends outside of heejin and their sisters.

  
that wasn’t the case with hyejoo at all.

  
(hyejoo was more vulnerable than the other two and sooyoung worries.)

  
chaewon was the only friend of hyejoo’s that had ever stayed over at their house, the only one hyejoo mentioned on a daily basis. when she thought about it, it wouldn’t alarm sooyoung if the blonde was hyejoo’s only friend.

  
“i’m 16!” hyejoo retorts, “you started dating jiwoo when you were 14 and i can’t be in love now?!”

  
(sooyoung would laugh if she could hear how stupid they both sound right now.)

  
“oh my god,” sooyoung is struck with realization. she rushes over to where hyejoo is standing and grasps her shoulders, “is it chaewon?”

  
hyejoo blushes a deep red, her hair covering her face as she avoids sooyoung’s gaze.

  
“oh, thank god,” sooyoung lets out a sigh, dropping her backpack on the floor. she sweeps her sister up into a hug and hyejoo makes an embarrassed noise before wrapping her arms around sooyoung’s waist, tucking her head against the older girl’s shoulder.

  
(sooyoung is so glad it’s chaewon and not some stranger that she’s never met.)

  
they stay like that for some time and the longer it lasts, the more sooyoung can feel hyejoo’s grip on her shirt tighten and her body start to shudder minutely.

  
“hey,” sooyoung runs a soothing hand over hyejoo’s hair, “it’s gonna be okay.”

  
“i messed everything up,” hyejoo lets out shakily, “i kissed her and ran away.”

  
_oh_, sooyoung stills before moving with hyejoo to sit on the couch. hyejoo immediately lays across her lap and sooyoung rubs her hand up and down her sister’s upper arm comfortingly. the position makes sooyoung feel wistful, she’d missed sitting with hyejoo like this. she just wished it didn’t have to come to this for it to happen again.

  
she hates seeing her sisters upset more than anything in the world.

  
“what happened?” sooyoung murmurs. she doesn’t want to force hyejoo to talk about it, but she also doesn’t want whatever has gone on to eat her alive. not when sooyoung knows she can (and should) help her.

  
hyejoo presses her cheek against sooyoung’s legs, trying to muster the bravery to finally talk about it to somebody that isn’t the person she’s in love with.

  
not that she’s actually done that.

  
“do you remember when chaewonnie and i fought in like, march?” hyejoo starts, voice quiet and sooyoung feels her start to draw circles on her jeans with her finger. she lets out a hum.

  
“it was because she asked if i had feelings for her,” hyejoo admits, “and i lost it and told her no.”

  
oh?

  
“do you know why you did that?” sooyoung keeps her voice soft, trying not to sound accusing so that she doesn’t upset the girl.

  
“it was _scary_,” hyejoo says, “i’ve never felt this way about anyone. what if she didn’t feel the same? i thought she was asking so she could tell me to go fuck myself.”

  
“that girl has seen you after you’ve played video games two days straight without showering. i don’t think there’s much that could scare her off at this point,” sooyoung teases and then grunts when hyejoo punches her knee, "she has to be at least a little bit weird."

  
“that’s not the point,” hyejoo replies and sooyoung can practically hear the pout in her voice. she rubs at her shoulder to get her to continue.

  
“when i told her no, she looked so upset,” her sister mumbles as sooyoung curls a lock of her hair around her ear to get a clearer look at hyejoo’s face, “i hated seeing that look on her face, but it was worse because i was the one that put it there.”

  
sooyoung could definitely understand that. when she would hurt jiwoo, unintentional or not, the way the girl’s face would crumple and how the tears built in her eyes used to make sooyoung’s chest constrict with shame and hurt.

  
(let’s not forget self-hatred. that’s a constant one in sooyoung’s lexicon of emotions.)

  
“we didn’t speak for months and that was even worse,” hyejoo continues, “it was like a piece of me was gone, you know?”

  
sooyoung leans down so she can press her chin against hyejoo’s shoulder, draping her arm over her waist. she makes sure to listen to what hyejoo is saying, she doesn’t want her sister to think that she’s dismissing her genuine feelings as just her being over dramatic.

  
“and then when we did make up, we just pretended that the fight didn’t happen,” hyejoo sighs, shifting a little in sooyoung’s lap, “but i thought that was fine because having her around was better than not at all.”

  
the more hyejoo talks, the more sooyoung begins to believe that she is actually in love with chaewon and not just mistaking her feelings as infatuation.

  
the reality of it scares her.

  
“she started talking about dropping out a lot,” it sounds as if by talking about this hyejoo has begun to feel a weight being lifted from her shoulders, “i wasn’t gonna try and stop her because i thought it would only make her upset...”

  
“and you’re in love with her,” sooyoung confirms. she knows what it’s like to want to support and be with your significant other even when they make choices you don’t agree with.

  
for example, when jiwoo had spontaneously decided that they should spend some time together in the next town over despite knowing that neither of them had the money. sooyoung had only agreed because she’d missed her girlfriend and didn’t want to make her sad.

  
(it doesn’t feel as big of an issue as hyejoo’s, but she digresses.)

  
“and i’m in love with her,” hyejoo repeats, her cheeks flushing as she avoids looking at sooyoung.

  
“how did the kiss happen?” sooyoung lifts her head from her sister’s shoulder to get a better look at her, letting a out laugh when she sees the blush on her face.

  
“shut up!” hyejoo whines, her hands coming up to cover her face, but it only makes sooyoung laugh harder. her sister reaches up to shove at her face, pushing it away to try and get her to stop.

  
“okay, okay. i’ll stop,” sooyoung relents, gripping hyejoo’s hand and bringing it down to hold in her own. the other girl squeezes lightly and sooyoung assumes that she’s psyching herself up to talk about it.

  
“we were walking back home after school,” hyejoo stumbles over her words, picking at sooyoung’s jeans, "or, i was walking her home because jinsoul was busy, and i don't know, we were on her doorstep saying goodbye and she looked so pretty so i just _went for it_."

  
_aw_, sooyoung thinks to herself. it's a lot cuter, and simpler, than she thought it would be, what with her sister making it seem like it was earth shattering. then again, it could've been for hyejoo, especially if it was her first kiss. sooyoung certainly remembers feeling like her world had turned on its axis the first time she'd kissed jiwoo.

  
hyejoo looks up at her, anxiety in her eyes and sooyoung knows she needs to help her calm down soon, before she gets even more high strung.

  
“well, hey,” sooyoung starts, voice calm, “at least you know chaewon wants to talk to you, that’s a start.”

  
“what if it’s _bad?_” hyejoo asks, still worrying needlessly.

  
“but what if it isn’t?” sooyoung retorts, “maybe she actually feels the same and wants to give you guys a try? you could be spending all this time worrying over nothing. you really won’t know unless you talk to her.”

  
hyejoo remains quiet as a contemplative look crosses her face.

  
“look,” sooyoung continues, “you could come to one of my dance sessions and meet up with her there if you don’t want to meet her on your own. i’m pretty sure she’ll be there.”

  
“i don’t know...” hyejoo trails off, uncertain.

  
“it doesn’t have to be the next one,” sooyoung assures her, patting her sister’s stomach lightly, “you could do it the week after. it’s just— i know chaewon wants to talk to you and you obviously want to talk to her. it’d be easier to get it done now, y’know? i really don’t think it’s gonna go badly.”

  
she waits as hyejoo takes time to think over what’s been said. sooyoung hopes she agrees 1) so her sister can move on from it (and hopefully get a girlfriend out of it), 2) so she doesn’t have to get angrily approached by a girl the size of a chihuahua and 3) so she isn’t being used a messenger by two angsty teens.

  
“okay, i’ll go,” hyejoo concedes and sooyoung lets out an exaggerated sigh just to annoy her. it works because the next thing she knows her sister is elbowing her in the stomach.

  
_thank god_, sooyoung relays, happy to have actually gotten somewhere with her sister.

  
“okay, get off,” sooyoung flicks at hyejoo’s ear making the girl squawk, “my legs are going to go dead.”

  
sooyoung stretches her arms above her head trying to crack her back as hyejoo moves to the other end of the couch. she moves to stand in front of her one more time.

  
“you’ll be fine, baby wolf,” sooyoung pokes at hyejoo’s forehead letting out a laugh as hyejoo cringes at the memory of her childhood nickname. sooyoung decides to save her sister further embarrassment and picks up her backpack from the ground and then moving to go upstairs.

  
“sooyoungie,” hyejoo calls her back and sooyoung leans back around the corner, her hand grasping at the wall lightly with her eyebrows raised inquisitively, “i love you.”

  
the declaration fills sooyoung with warmth and she sends hyejoo one of her best smiles, all teeth and borderline blinding. everything she does in life is for her sisters, would kill for them if they asked though she knows they never would, so it’s always amazing to hear their appreciation for her.

  
“love you, too,” sooyoung takes some time to take in hyejoo’s appearance.

  
hyejoo is almost taller than her now, her face starting to lose some of that baby fat that hyunjin and yerim would tease her over, and sooyoung really does wonder how time flew by so quickly, wonders how her sisters grew up without her noticing.

  
(she thinks they’ll always be immortalized as kids in her mind, they could be in their forties and sooyoung believes she would still think they were her baby sisters who needed her love and protection. she could be one foot in the grave and still think it.)

  
neither of them notices hyunjin hiding behind a corner, standing with her back pressed against the kitchen wall, a tear streaking down her cheek.

  
she wishes she could let herself be vulnerable around her family like that instead of being too quick to anger and lashing out instead.

  
jealousy begins to bubble in her chest.

✱✱✱

  
sooyoung stops in front of her mom and dad’s room, contemplating whether or not she should go in. it’s been long enough now that she thinks she should be brave enough to go in again and look through their things, but...

  
(she wants to look at the pictures of her dad that she’d put in there when they left. she wants to see his face.)

  
she’s starts to push down the handle before changing her mind and stepping away. whatever is in there will only make her upset and sooyoung doesn’t want her happiness to drain away just so quickly. she doesn't want to give them that much power over her emotions.

  
she spares the room one last forlorn look before going into her bedroom and closing the door, shutting the thoughts of her parents out.

  
sooyoung has much more important things to be doing than worrying about ghosts.

✱✱✱

later the next day, just as the sun begins to set, sooyoung finds herself sitting on a swing the park not too far from work. her sunday shift has just finished and she knows that heejin will be over at their house today, so she wants to let hyunjin have some time with her girlfriend before she monopolizes the living room to study.

  
logically, she knows that heejin wouldn’t mind if she sat with them whilst they did whatever it is they usually do when they’re alone, but sooyoung feels skittish about being around hyunjin after their spat. also seeing her sister be gross with her girlfriend isn’t something she needs or wants to see.

  
(she dreads when chaewon and hyejoo get together because her house will just be full of couples, minus herself and yerim.

  
oh god, what is she gonna do when yerim starts dating?)

  
hyejoo and yerim were probably out as well. yerim likes to drag the other girl out sometimes claiming that hyejoo shouldn’t spend all her time indoors and that she needs the fresh air. hyejoo would usually whine about it but also do nothing to stop yerim, secretly happy to spend time with her sister.

  
(sooyoung also suspects it’s because yerim wants to pry info on her out of hyejoo because she’s too afraid to ask sooyoung directly.)

  
she also just wants to sit outside and bask in the fresh air for a bit.

  
“i think this is the first time i haven’t seen you brooding,” a voice calls out to her and sooyoung turns to see haseul entering the small play park. she’s walking her dog, a young german shepherd. why she would ever have a dog that’s half her size, sooyoung could never guess, but to each their own.

  
sooyoung shoots her a grin as haseul comes to sit on the swing beside her, tying the leash around one of the poles. the girl’s hair is tied back in a short ponytail and it’s the first time that sooyoung notices that haseul’s ears are different shapes.

  
it’s oddly endearing.

  
“oh, don’t you know? i pushed brooding back on my schedule,” sooyoung jokes, watching as the dog sniffs at her shoes before settling on the ground, “i’ve got it pencilled in before i go to sleep.”

  
“the best time,” haseul nods sagely before letting out a chuckle, pushing her round glasses up her nose as the act drops, “i don’t usually see you around here.”

  
“yeah,” sooyoung stretches her back, sighing in relief as it cracks the way she wants it too, “hyunjin has her girlfriend over so i thought i’d give them some peace and quiet.”

  
“oh, how long have they been together?” haseul asks, genuine interest shining in her eyes.

  
sooyoung lets out a breath, trying to think back to when the girls had gotten together. it still feels like a blur to her, one day they’re playing in the backyard and the next sooyoung is walking in on them making out in hyunjin’s bedroom.

  
she’s still kinda scarred from that.

  
“maybe about a year?” she guesses, hand waving in the air a bit, “they’ve known each other since they were babies, though. heejin lives like, two houses away. god, it feels like they’re inseparable.”

  
“i do think something’s wrong,” sooyoung confides, “heejin stays over pretty regularly, but lately she’s been over nearly every day... i don’t know it just feels like something’s up.”

  
she’d been pushing the thoughts of what might be going with heejin down for a while now. or, other things came up that demanded her attention more, but sooyoung thinks she’s definitely going to have to have a talk with her friend when they both have time.

  
and when hyunjin isn’t around.

  
(the thought of her sister still turns her mood sour.)

  
“your watch is nice,” sooyoung comments, the fact that it doesn’t work still bugs the shit out of her.

  
the diversion in the conversation seems to confuse haseul for a minute before she sees the look of reluctance on sooyoung’s face and seems to accept that she doesn’t want to continue down that trail.

  
“yeah, it belongs to my ex,” haseul turns the watch around, thumb stroking over the face and then dropping away, “we broke up just before i moved here. she didn’t believe in long distance relationships.”

  
sooyoung watches as haseul becomes somber, her eyes flicking to the ground and her shoulders drooping. she assumes that they must’ve been happy before their split, nothing like what happened with her break-up.

  
“she was a total bitch about it, but it still sucked,” haseul continues.

  
or maybe it was entirely like sooyoung’s break-up.

  
“how so?” sooyoung probes, this is the most she’s gotten out of haseul about her life since they’ve become friends.

  
“apparently, she ‘_didn’t think i was worth staying with_’,” the air quotes and incredulous look on haseul’s face let her know that haseul thought it was complete bullshit.

  
“shit, that’s harsh,” sooyoung replies, leaning down to let the dog sniff her hand before stroking it across his head, “how long were you guys together?”

  
“it was what? nearly two years?” the other girl scrunches her nose. sooyoung lets out a low whistle, it was definitely a serious relationship then.

  
selfishly, she’s glad that there’s someone who can understand how she’s feeling just a little bit. talking about it with jinsoul was one thing, but sooyoung doubts her blonde friend could actually get what sooyoung has been dealing with, especially because she’s been in a steady relationship for so long with little conflict.

  
her friend, dear as she is, wouldn’t understand the deep sense of shame and humiliation that creeps up on her at night when she’s trying to sleep. frustration has also started to rear it’s head, after her talk with jiwoo, with sooyoung lying in her bed trying to pinpoint the exact ways she’d fucked it up.

  
“you doing okay?” sooyoung asks, swinging slightly in her seat. haseul’s face scrunches up and she shakes her head from side to side as if deliberating on how to answer.

  
“no,” haseul decides to be open with her, “but i’ll get there.”

  
haseul sounds so sure in her answer that it almost makes sooyoung believe that if haseul can do it then so can she. she may tell herself that she thinks she can get past this part in her life but it doesn’t mean she actually believes it.

  
slowly, sooyoung reaches her hand out to hold the one that haseul has dangling between the seats of their swings. her fingers nearly meet haseul’s but are stopped when haseul reaches up to push her glasses up her nose. sooyoung’s hand lingers in the air for a second, slowly clenching before moving back to grasp the chain of the swing.

  
(if this were any other situation, sooyoung knows she’d be blushing from embarrassment.)

  
"fuck, i really should be studying," haseul lets out wearily, hand dropping in between them again, "but also it's chemistry and i hate it so much."

  
the dog at their feet suddenly jumps up to its feet, scaring the shit out of both of them as it starts barking at a small maltese being walked past the park. sooyoung watches, her heart racing from shock, as haseul slips out of her seat and kneels down beside the dog, murmuring calming assurances.

  
sooyoung leans down to press a calming hand on the german shepherd's back, stroking his fur slowly, her mind still stuck on the girl in front of her. she shakes her head, ridding herself of whatever desire that had possessed her into wanting to hold haseul's hand, dismissing it to the back of her mind.

  
(she can think about the implications of it later. just like everything else.)

✱✱✱

  
it seems as if the next two pass in a blink of an eye, sooyoung gets swept up in trying to rotate work and school and trying to stay sane. she spends multiple days pulling all nighters to catch up on studying and always regrets it when she’s dragging her feet through the day just trying to stay awake.

  
she thanks her lucky stars the saturday that vivi comes down from college to visit jinsoul as it gives her an excuse just to stop for a moment and revel in their presence.

  
she’d called haseul to see if the girl had wanted to come and meet vivi but all she received was haseul’s voicemail and a hasty text message saying that she couldn’t make it because of some family thing that she couldn’t get out of.

  
they haven’t been able to meet up for a few days and sooyoung is starting to miss her just a little.

  
sooyoung is already sitting in one of the smaller coffee shops that occupy the town, a little independently owned place that she likes to frequent because of how cheap it is. and seongmin knows the owner so she gets a nice discount every now and then if the manager, a little old lady called yunseo, was feeling nice.

  
which was rare because the woman didn’t particularly like sooyoung’s family.

  
“don’t be too hard on her, alright?” she overhears jinsoul pleading with vivi as the bell above the door rings. sooyoung feels thankful that jinsoul is trying to save some of her pride and hopes it doesn’t end up being fruitless, but knowing vivi...

  
yeah, she’s going to get her ass handed to her.

  
(so much for reveling.)

  
they exchange greetings, jinsoul's a bit more worried than usual, her eyebrows slanted up before leaving to go and grab some drinks for her and vivi.

  
sooyoung looks at vivi then, fear building in her as she notes the serious look on her face.

  
god, she really is gonna get read the riot act by a pink haired gnome. then again, who's more of a fool? vivi, said pink haired gnome, or sooyoung, who is afraid of the gnome.

  
(she's well aware that it's her.)

  
“i think you’re running away from your shit,” vivi lays it all out, straight to the point, her voice resolute, not harsh enough to make sooyoung upset. vivi thinks she’s just saying it as it is, “like, yeah, you talk about it a lot but you don’t _do_ anything about it.”

  
sooyoung had forgotten how talking to vivi could sometimes feel like getting slapped in the face several times in quick succession.

  
(hyunjin’s “_deal with your own shit_” comment from weeks ago rings in her head. sooyoung knows the girl would get a kick out of watching this conversation for sure.)

  
“i know,” sooyoung twists her coffee cup on the table, not looking vivi in the eye. out of the corner of her vision she can see jinsoul escaping the tension of the table after placing vivi's drink and balking at her girlfriend's comment. sooyoung assumes she's going to hide in the bathroom for a bit.

  
“you say that but do you?” vivi continues and sooyoung knows the older girl just wants the best for her but that doesn’t make this feel less shitty, “you can say that you know that you’re running away and still be doing nothing at all to change that.”

  
“how am i supposed to do anything when i don’t have a clue where to begin?” sooyoung retorts, looking vivi dead in the eye, hand gripping the wooden table, “i can’t just go up to jiwoo or jungeun and ask to make everything better. i sure as hell can’t do that with my sisters...”

  
“from what jinsoul’s told me, you’ve already been making things better with hyejoo,” vivi interrupts sooyoung, her eyes soft as she takes in her friends distress, “that’s a start.”

  
sooyoung relaxes back into her seat. she didn’t really think that her meddling with hyejoo’s love life was a way to make their relationship better, but compared to how it used to be between them, the indifference and how they would orbit around each other instead of actually interacting, she thinks vivi may be right.

  
she hopes so.

  
“look,” vivi grasps sooyoung’s hand, “you don’t have to fix everything at once, okay? but you have to at least try. anyone who knows you can see that you’re miserable.”

  
“i’m an emotional black hole apparently,” sooyoung replies sarcastically, recalling hyunjin’s words. vivi makes a face which she can only describe as ‘_yikes_’ and sooyoung lets out a breath as she reaches to take a sip of her coffee.

  
sooyoung takes some time to think over and really take in what vivi is trying to tell her because she knows her friend has gone through more than she ever could. maybe if she does continue to keep up with what’s going on with hyejoo she could then move on to her other sisters and help them deal with their problems.

  
she wants her life to get better and this is probably the best way to get it started.

  
(the jiwoo-and-jungeun dilemma can be put away for a later day.)

  
“i’ll try,” sooyoung tells vivi, confidence building inside her. it can’t be too hard to rebuild her life if she’s been doing it without even realizing right? sooyoung hopes so.

  
“don’t push yourself too hard,” vivi warns, a grin spreading on her face, “baby steps are fine, you have all the time in the world. just make sure you try.”

  
jinsoul comes back to the table then, hands curled around her coffee cup and a worried look on her face. it’s almost funny how jinsoul knows that vivi doesn’t hold back, but still lets her get away with it. then again, sooyoung can kind of guess who’s in charge in their relationship.

  
not that it’s hard.

  
"you weren't too harsh, right?" the blonde asks, the same begging tone from earlier in her voice. sooyoung smiles down at her drink.

  
"i was fine!" vivi exclaims, indignant, before pointing at sooyoung, "ask her."

  
"it was fine," sooyoung confirms, to jinsoul's delight.

  
"oh, thank god," jinsoul flops down into her seat beside vivi, "i thought she was going to kill you."

  
"hey!" the pink haired girl slaps her shoulder lightly.

  
sooyoung kind of wishes that vivi _had_ killed her, it would've made that conversation much more bearable.

  
after that, the rest of the afternoon seems to fly by with gentle conversation including how vivi is doing at college and teasing jinsoul for the fact that she seems like a lost puppy without her girlfriend around. sooyoung returns home feeling rejuvenated, her heart light and a smile on her face that makes yerim do a double take when they cross paths in the kitchen.

✱✱✱ 

  
they’re doing volleyball during gym class this week and sooyoung is actually excited because it’s something she’s always been kind of good at. she’s sitting on the floor, stretching out her legs in front of her, and tightening her shoelaces when she notices one of them is loose.

  
the coach calls them all over, gathering around her as she delegates the teams.

  
“sooyoung, you’re with jungeun,” the coach says, raising a hand when she sees sooyoung balk, “and that’s final. you know you guys work well together.”

  
sooyoung and jungeun look at each other apprehensively, both of them not really sure how to approach each other. she waves the other girl over and they walk to the sidelines in tense silence. sitting down, back against the wall, sooyoung looks up at the girl and lets out a breathy laugh at the antsy look on her face.

  
“i’m not gonna kill you,” sooyoung says and jungeun gives her glance which clearly says that she doesn’t believe that for one second.

  
sooyoung really isn’t going to do anything, she’s almost accepted jungeun’s role in the failure of her relationship now, especially after the talk she had with jiwoo. she just feels bad for her friend, the anger she had initially felt fading away into sympathy and pity. sooyoung knows that jungeun would never want to know that, though, her pride too big to accept sooyoung’s genuine emotions.

  
noticing the girl is looking away, she lifts a hand up to tickle at the back of jungeun’s right knee. the girl lets out a horrified shriek, flinching away from her as sooyoung cackles at her. jungeun had always been ticklish there and sooyoung had always found her over the top reactions hilarious.

  
jungeun sees sooyoung laughing and relaxes, pretending to kick the girl. calming down, sooyoung pats the ground beside her and jungeun moves to sit, knees curled up to her chest.

  
“i don’t forgive you,” sooyoung informs her, “but you’re off my shit list.”

  
“why?” jungeun asks.

  
sooyoung looks at her face, watches how she’s focused all of her attention on the hand picking at her kneecap, how she avoids looking at sooyoung in the face, and feels the desire to tell her about what jiwoo admitted to her fade into nothing.

  
as much as she wants to tell jungeun, she knows she’d only be hurting the girl, only be doing it to drag her friend down to her level. it’s selfish. and wrong. jungeun deserves to hear the truth from jiwoo herself and not a spiteful person like herself.

  
she wants to hang out with jungeun again without feeling angry, wants to enjoy whatever they do instead of holding onto a grudge. that’s what her mother does, and if there’s anything that sooyoung wants, it’s to not be like that hateful woman.

  
she needs to be better.

  
(she doesn’t want jungeun to be left behind either.)

  
“i know more now,” she replies vaguely

  
grasping jungeun’s hand, she entwines it with her own, getting her friend to look at her directly.

  
“i know you had feelings for jiwoo before this happened,” sooyoung squeezes jungeun’s hand when shock crosses her face, “she told me that you told her months ago.”

  
“what else did she say?” jungeun sounds desperate for any info on the redhead and sooyoung assumes that they haven’t talked in a while.

  
the knowledge of it settles in sooyoung’s mind and only further confirms that she can’t be the one to tell jungeun.

  
(sooyoung hopes vivi would think of this as progress.)

  
“you’re gonna have to talk to jiwoo,” sooyoung responds, “whatever happens between you two isn’t my business anymore. just know that there’s something going on with her.”

  
jungeun looks at their hands, contemplative before nodding.

  
“fine,” she agrees, “i won’t bother you about it, but only if we kick ass at this fucking game.”

  
“hey,” sooyoung says, humor in her voice and confident in her own abilities, “that’s all on your moomin looking ass, not me.”

  
jungeun squawks at the name, pushing sooyoung over onto her side and batting her hands over her stomach. sooyoung just laughs at her.

  
(they both suck ass at the game and get kicked out of the mini tournament in the second round.)

✱✱✱ 

  
“aren’t you supposed to be good at volleyball?”

  
“that was a fluke and you know it!”

  
“’_moomin looking ass_’ i hate you so much.”

  
“not my fault your head is big as shit.”

  
“oh fuck you!”

✱✱✱ 

  
she finds her happiness doesn't last as she’s throwing another two failed tests in a trashcan in the courtyard, willing her tears to abate when she spots yerim heading in her direction, her little group of friends nowhere in sight. sooyoung still can’t believe that her sister still associates with them, but who is she to dictate yerim’s life when she can barely control her own.

  
“what do you want?” sooyoung demands, voice harsh from the stinging feeling of failure that’s yet to abate. her irritation turns into regret when she sees yerim flinch when she comes to a stop in front of her.

  
(she’s still feels apprehensive when yerim is around, they haven’t spoken since their fight in the hallway, too busy dealing with hyejoo’s and her own shit. she doesn’t even know what yerim has been doing.)

  
“minhee’s coming over after school,” yerim mumbles, not looking sooyoung in the eye.

  
“aha, no, she isn’t,” sooyoung scoffs, there’s no way in hell she’d ever let that girl into her house. she’s not letting a homophobe anywhere near where they live.

  
(at least she finally knows the bitch’s name.)

  
“it’s just to study!” yerim’s eyes go wide as she finally meets sooyoung’s gaze, “she won’t even be there for that long, i promise.”

  
“i’m not letting a homophobe into our _home_, yerimie,” sooyoung stresses, “not when we all know heejin and hyunjin will be there, and especially not with what hyejoo is dealing with, okay?”

  
“why can hyunjin have heejin over all the goddamn time, but i can’t have a friend over once?” yerim’s hands are clenched, glossing over the whole homophobe thing.

  
“because heejin is your sister’s girlfriend, that’s why,” sooyoung replies, pointing a finger at the girl, “i let her stay over because she’s the only person hyunjin actually seems to like, and i also think there’s something going on with her, so i have to give her that space. i’m not going to let your ‘friend’ who called us all dykes, including you but you seem to be ignoring—”

  
“no, i’m not,” yerim shouts at her, hurt at the fact that sooyoung would even think that, “we talked about it and she apologized, i swear!”

  
sooyoung softens at her sister’s desperation, vivi’s advice to try ringing in her ears. she comes closer to yerim and grasps her shoulders lightly, trying to gauge if her sister is telling her the truth.

  
“yerimie,” she starts, accepting that her sister seems to believe that minhee is telling the truth, “i can’t let that girl into our house and that’s final. there’s no way for me to know that she won’t say that shit behind your back again. hell, there’s no way for you to know it either.”

  
yerim lets out a frustrated sigh and sinks into sooyoung’s hold, seeming to accept her sister’s judgment.

  
“fine,” she relents, “we’ll find somewhere else.”

  
“thank you,” sooyoung rubs at her sister’s shoulders in consolation, “i know it’s annoying, but i’m just looking out for the girls.”

  
yerim nods, not looking her in the eye and sooyoung taps her nose before pressing her forehead against the other girl’s.

  
“i love you,” sooyoung says, before moving away, nudging at yerim’s chin, “now, go study. you and hyunjin are literally hard carrying us all in school.”

  
her sister rolls her eyes good-naturedly, a small chuckle escaping her lips. her sister moves away with a soft “bye,” waving a hand at sooyoung as she turns around.

  
sooyoung turns her head to look at the recently dumped test papers and shakes her head, still disappointed with herself. she should probably be the one following yerim’s example and actually spend more time studying. she thinks back to haseul saying that she needed to study more when they were at the park.

  
_maybe she’ll be up for it_, sooyoung considers, thumbing at her phone before firing off a text to the other girl. she also wants to be around haseul more, to find out more about her and get her opinions on things that are happening, wants to help her get over her ex. hell, maybe they can both help each other move on. she really just wants to be closer to her, hanging out with haseul seems to make her feel better.

  
(sooyoung hopes she can do that for haseul as well.)

  
sighing, she shoves her phone back into her pocket and goes to pick up her stuff for work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter 6 preview: what if... i ruin sooyoung's life... haha just kidding... unless?
> 
> edit: i'm aiming for 15k in the next bc i'm combining some stuff so forgive me if it takes forever
> 
> twt: redyrm  
cc: 4d8


	6. six.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sooyoung feels out of control in a way that she decides she despises.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this week on hands: financial difficulty, fights and crippling depression!
> 
> this goes round in round in circles a lot but honestly i'm only writing from my own experience with my sexy mental illness. also uh tw/ for brief mention of child death at the start.

  
“i need you to work more hours,” is what seongmin greets her with when she walks through the front door of the restaurant. the request stops her in her tracks.

  
sooyoung looks at him, concern in her eyes. seongmin looks more ragged than usual, his normally coiffed black hair laying flat, dark circles under his eyes.

  
“i don’t know how i’m gonna do that, seongmin,” and she really doesn’t. school has been kicking her ass lately and she desperately needs to do better. for her own sake.

  
“listen,” seongmin waves his hand, moving towards her, “it’s not an immediate thing, but holiday season is coming up and sunkyung quit two days ago.”

  
“what? why?” sunkyung had been at the restaurant longer than she had. the guy had two kids; he wouldn’t just leave for no good reason.

  
“one of his kids passed away,” seongmin murmurs as he drops his head, gaze on the floor. sooyoung feels her shoulders droop, a shocked breath leaving her lungs.

  
she knew one of his daughters was sick but hadn’t thought it had been critical. sunkyung is a fairly young guy as well, only 21 and already a single father.

  
“i know you’re in a rough spot,” seongmin rests his hand on her shoulder comfortingly, trying to distract her from the heavy topic, “but, just, think it over, okay? you’re not gonna get fired if you say no.”

  
he claps her shoulder and then leaves to go to his office, leaving them both to contemplate over what they were going to do.

  
sooyoung thinks about going to visit sunkyung at some point to offer him her condolences. he probably wouldn’t show any outward appreciation for it, as grumpy as he is, but she believes that it would make him feel a bit better to know that people are keeping him in their thoughts.

  
(deep down, she wishes she never has to feel whatever he must be feeling right now. if she lost any of the girl... well, it’s not something she thinks she could ever survive.)

✱✱✱

  
sooyoung drops onto her bed, reading through the letters in her hands. slowly, tears begin to build in her eyes as she’s filled with a feeling of dread.

  
what the fuck was she going to do?

  
the thought of her bills going up had completely flown over her head, she wasn’t prepared for this at all. the money she’d saved over the summer was to help them cope during the school year. how was she going to manage to make that amount of money at all, let alone within a month? she'd already been behind on the electric and cable, can remember hearing how hyejoo had complained about not being able to play her ps4 two weeks back...

  
(the fact that their parents own the house and they don’t have to pay rent is one of her saving graces. to say the least.)

  
at this rate, sooyoung will have to cut into the savings she’d put away for her sisters and that’s the last thing she wants to do. she barely has enough to send one of them to college, she doesn’t know how she could manage all three.

  
god, maybe chaewon really was right when she decided to drop out of school entirely. right now, it’s the only way sooyoung can see a way out of this. her boss wants her to work more hours but how the fuck could she fit that in with school?

  
she considers getting a second job, but the mere prospect of it fills her with dread.

  
she could drop her dance sessions, but then how is she going to have anything that’s just for her? or is even considering not dropping them selfish? wouldn't that mean she was the one making things worse, when she knows she can give up a piece of her own happiness to keep the water running?

  
it hits her then, that she'd completely forgotten about the triplet's birthday. _how could i forget_, sooyoung berates herself, _it was literally 2 weeks ago_.

  
did this make her a terrible sister? her sisters hadn’t even mentioned it.

  
sooyoung’s breathing begins to turn shallow, her chest heaving as the tears she’d been holding back finally overwhelm her.

  
there’s a knock at her door and yerim peaks her head through, the question on her lips dying as she sees her sister. sooyoung immediately hides her face behind the letters but there’s no hiding the sound of her sobs.

  
(god, sooyoung hopes she doesn't make herself sick over money again.)

  
“sooyoungie?” yerim questions, her voice quiet. she hasn’t seen sooyoung like this... ever. if any of the girls had, it would've been hyejoo, but even yerim couldn't know for sure.

  
“please just go away,” sooyoung begs of the girl.

  
yerim doesn’t listen, coming to kneel in front of her, hands pressed to sooyoung’s knees.

  
“what is it?” yerim asks softly, trying to approach the situation carefully so that she doesn’t upset sooyoung more than she already is.

  
sooyoung doesn't respond, trying desperately to calm her tears. she keeps the letters in front of her face in an attempt to stop yerim from seeing like this. her chest heaves with every breath and she struggles to figure out what to tell her sister because she _knows_ that yerim won’t give up now that she’s seen her.

  
her sister grasps at the letters in her hands and tugs on them gently, sooyoung just lets her take them, not wanting to start a fight with yerim when she’s already upset.

  
"oh god," yerim gasps out, softly. sooyoung turns her head away, eyes glued to her laptop that sits on her desk, she doesn't believe that yerim had wanted her to hear that, but it can't be helped in such close proximity.

  
“okay,” her sister gently tosses the pages onto the desk and turns back to her, kneeling down in front of sooyoung again, “we can figure something out.”

  
“not we,” sooyoung shakes her head, “me. _i _have to figure something out.”

  
the stark reality of it makes her pause. how the hell is she going to do this on such short notice? sooyoung knows that she could probably take seongmin up on the extra work hours, but how would that impact her school life? her social life? how would she ever make time for anything?

  
sooyoung clears her throat roughly, blinking away the tears that refuse to abate. she shakes her head and continues to avoid looking at yerim because sooyoung knows the minute she does, she’ll break down.

  
why couldn’t she _think _for one second and remember that their bills keep going up? why was she so completely blind to something she already knew? why couldn’t she be smarter?

  
(there’s only so many times she can call herself stupid, but she just can’t seem to stop.)

  
she doesn’t notice how her sister has started to tear up as well, absorbed in her own misery.

  
“sooyoungie, we’re going to be fine,” yerim stands up again, wrapping her arms around sooyoung’s shoulders and sooyoung’s arms come up to wind around her sister’s waist as she presses her face against yerim’s stomach, hiding.

  
“we can help,” her sister urges and that’s not something sooyoung wants to ask of her sisters because they’ve already got so much on their plate with school. plus, yerim and hyunjin’s extracurricular activities. she doesn’t want to hinder their academic lives the way she has done for her herself, wants them to have a future they can genuinely look forward to without needing to worry.

  
“you’re gonna have to let us help you at some point,” yerim points out, voice serious, “because i don’t think you can keep going on like this without burning out. hard.”

  
(why do her sisters have to be so damn smart all the time?)

  
“i know,” sooyoung admits, wiping her tears away with her fingers, pressing her forehead against yerim's stomach.

  
“okay,” yerim says, relief clear in her voice. she loosens her hold on sooyoung’s shoulders, “okay, i’ll go get hyejoo and hyunjin and we’ll see what we can do.”

  
chills run through sooyoung’s veins at the thought of the other two seeing her like this right now. hyejoo would be okay, she’d probably try and one up yerim on the comforting scale. however, sooyoung doesn’t think she can deal with the possibility of hyunjin berating her for being useless in the state she’s currently in.

  
“no, don’t,” sooyoung lets out, grabbing yerim’s wrist as the girl moves to leave, “stay.”

  
sooyoung moves to lie on her bed, facing the wall. she feels yerim lie down on her back beside her, trepidation evident.

  
“don’t mention this to the others just yet,” sooyoung says, “let me figure something out first and then we can talk to the them.”

  
(sooyoung won’t ask them to do anything.)

  
“fine,” yerim doesn’t sound too enthused with the request, she’d rather everything was laid out in the open but after seeing sooyoung break down like that...

  
she’ll keep it a secret for a while.

  
sooyoung feels yerim shift on the bed, her head pressing in between sooyoung’s shoulder blades and an arm coming up to wrap around her waist, the touch timid, as if yerim is afraid to push her too far. sooyoung merely entwines one of her hands with yerim’s and closes her eyes, willing whatever tears may come away.

  
"i'm sorry i forgot your birthday," sooyoung mumbles, shame creeping back into her tone.

  
"it's okay," her sister squeezes her hand, trying to make her think that everything was okay, like she always did.

  
(sooyoung can hear how watery her voice sounds and it makes her chest ache.)

  
"no," sooyoung denies, pressing her face down into her pillow a bit, "it's not."

  
it's silent for a moment before yerim lets out a sigh and hugs sooyoung a bit tighter.

  
"no, it isn't," yerim concedes.

  
sooyoung goes silent, hoping that sleep will claim her soon, so she doesn't have to think anymore for the rest of the night. knowing her luck though, it continues to avoid her until the early hours of the morning and during that time her thoughts consume her, causing her to spiral even further into the dark.

  
the only consolation she gets is yerim's soft breathing, her little sister fast asleep. but then she remembers the birthday incident and the cycle of depressing thoughts restarts.

  
(sooyoung likes to think that she's at least semi self-aware. she knows that some stuff is out of her control, that some things genuinely aren’t her fault, and yet she can't help falling into a cycle of self-punishment and blame.)

  
✱✱✱

  
sooyoung grips the phone tightly, thumb running over the screen as if the message she’s reading isn’t real and can be wiped away in an instant.

  
if only she was that lucky.

  
the message isn’t even that serious. her dad is just asking how she’s been doing. it’s the fact that this is the first time he’s even tried talking to her in months. there had been that one stilted phone call at the start of the year, a few months after they left, but that had had just left her feeling empty.

  
her relationship with her mother is easy to quantify, they both dislike each other intensely, her relationship with her dad is harder to define. sooyoung knows that she still loves him, she misses him all the time, but his decision to continue to bend to his wife’s will makes her feel ashamed of him.

  
she just wishes he would stop beating himself up over something that happened years ago.

  
there’s also a part of her that hates him for doing this to her, for leaving her to look after three kids with little more than a wave and goodbye every time he and her mother leave. money doesn’t even seem to cross their minds, they just expect sooyoung to have it or get it in any way.

  
it’s infuriating, and sooyoung should probably tell someone about it, but she just can't bring herself to. she loves her father too much, wants to believe that he'll come back soon and give up on following her mother everywhere and anywhere.

  
she wishes he would grow a backbone and defend himself instead of being a complete pushover.

  
(her dad reminds her of yerim in that aspect, both of them willing to do anything to make somebody they hold in high esteem happy.)

✱✱✱

  
a grin slowly spreads across her face as haseul continues to ramble on and on about the various types of singing techniques her mother had taught her when she was little. it's the most animated haseul has ever been, at least in sooyoung's presence. she's used to the dry wit that haseul dishes out to match her own. it's cute to hear the girl sound so enthused, it tells sooyoung that it's something that haseul deeply cherishes.

  
her mind drifts and haseul's voice fades into background noise as sooyoung thinks back to how she lingered after almost grabbing haseul's hand when they were sat in the park together. her reaction still baffles her, the tingle that had spread through her hand, the verging sense of embarrassment that never fully came to fruition.

  
there's a pause in the conversation, if you could call haseul rambling down the phone and sooyoung humming every now and then a conversation, and the abrupt silence grabs sooyoung's attention.

  
"haseul?" she probes the girl into speaking.

  
"i'm sorry," the other girl sounds embarrassed and sooyoung can picture the way she would be tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ears.

  
(her very cute ears, sooyoung might add.)

  
"what for?" she replies, puzzled. sooyoung may not understand most of what haseul is talking about, but the pure passion that had been in her voice was enough to captivate her.

  
"i just realized i've been talking non-stop about something you probably don't even care about," haseul tells her.

  
"hey, don't say that," sooyoung denies, wanting to make her friend feel better, "okay, sure, i don't really understand it, but i like listening to you talk. you deserve to, considering you're probably sick of hearing me talk about my shit."

  
there's a silence on the line and sooyoung assumes that haseul is agreeing with her, that she is sick of hearing about it.

  
"thank you," haseul mumbles. it makes sooyoung pause for a moment, a confused sound coming from her throat.

  
"it's just— my ex, she would get bored of me talking about it and try and switch the conversation as fast as she could. so... just, thanks."

  
the more she hears about haseul's ex, the more sooyoung knows that if she ever met the girl she would hate her.

  
(and yes, this is purely based on the fact that she made haseul sad. sooyoung takes her relationships with her friends very seriously, you know?)

  
“and hey,” haseul continues gently, “you haven’t actually told me that much.”

  
“oh,” sooyoung scratches the back of her head, “well, i think i just go over it so much with myself and other people that i just assumed i told you as well.”

  
“you can tell me now,” the shorter girl urges, “if you want to that is.”

  
“nah, it’s okay,” sooyoung declines the offer. she doesn’t really like spilling her secrets over the phone like that, “i feel like i’m gonna go crazy with how much i talk about it because i’m just _constantly_ repeating myself all the time. so, maybe some other time, okay?”

  
“if you’re sure,” haseul replies warily, she’d rather sooyoung didn’t hold it in, but then assumes that maybe sooyoung doesn’t trust her enough to tell her just yet.

  
“i am,” sooyoung says, certain, “you can keep talking about your music thing if you want.”

  
"music thing—” haseul exclaims, mildly offended. sooyoung smiles as the girl rushes over what she’d been talking about. is it vocal techniques? sooyoung really can’t remember.

  
(she didn’t mean to tune out of the conversation, but honestly, she was so lost that she was never going to fully understand anyway.)

  
she goes to sleep that night feeling lighter, she manages to avoid the fitful sleep she’s been cursed to for the past week or so as well. no waking up in the middle of the night or spending hours just staring at her ceiling trying to will her brain to shut off and let her sleep.

  
(turns out listening to someone else talk about what they like once in a while, rather than wallowing in her own self-pity actually helps. who would’ve thought?)

✱✱✱

  
“when are you going to grow up?” sooyoung thrusts her hand out in front of her for a brief moment, frustrated, “if you’re so smart and capable, why don’t you go get a job and support us, huh?”

  
they’re sitting at the kitchen table, sooyoung with a bowl of shitty off brand cereal in front of her, spoon clenched in her hand. any feeling of comfort that had resided in sooyoung after her talk with haseul last night had completely evaporated, leaving only discontent and irritation in its wake.

  
this fight between her and hyunjin wasn’t even meant to happen, but her sister has made more comments about how sooyoung needs to do better and sort her shit out, and it just made her already short fuse blow up.

  
hyunjin’s brows furrow, arms crossing in front of her. the toast she’d made a few minutes ago left in front of her, untouched.

  
sooyoung doesn’t even know how this stupid ass fight started. one minute she’s eating her cereal and scrolling through twitter and the next she’s arguing with hyunjin over absolutely nothing.

  
“no, instead,” sooyoung continues, looking her sister directly in the eye, “it’s always, ‘s_ooyoungie do this_’ or ‘_sooyoungie why can’t you do this_’ and my personal favorite, ‘_sooyoungie, you need to deal with your own shit_’, as if i’m not bending over backwards to make all this shit work, to keep us afloat, in the first place! you do nothing to help me. so, if i’m such a failure, why don’t you do it?”

  
her desperation to not have her sisters get a job and put more pressure on themselves is nowhere to be found. logically, she knows she doesn’t really mean what she’s saying, but fighting with hyunjin always puts her on edge because sooyoung knows she can never win.

  
“and if you’re not berating me for any of that,” sooyoung rewinds the conversation a bit, “you just sit there like a statute doing nothing, giving absolutely nothing away. i can’t read your mind hyunjin, i assume only heejin can or else why would she put herself through this?”

  
hyunjin’s gaze averts away from her for the first time since the argument started. sooyoung feels bad about using her girlfriend as a fighting tactic, knows that it’s childish, but that’s what she seems to revert to when she’s fighting with her sisters. petty comments and sniping at anything she can.

  
“for once in your life, stop acting like a child and please see things from my perspective,” sooyoung demands, dropping her spoon on the table, pressing the back of her hand to her eye, “i know you hate me, and i don’t know how to fix that, but could you at least try, because things are only going to get harder from here.”

  
“i don’t hate you,” hyunjin denies, with a shake of her head, her voice soft, and if this were anybody else sooyoung would think that she was about to cry. but it isn’t, so she doesn’t.

  
(is that awful of her? sooyoung doesn’t care to think about it. not right now, at least. lord knows she’ll beat herself up about this at some point.)

  
“well,” sooyoung clears her throat, vaguely uncomfortable, and then with more sincerity, “thank you.”

  
“heejin and i broke up,” hyunjin admits after a brief pause, scratching at her nose with her thumb, “or, we’re on a break. i don’t really know.”

  
okay, she definitely wasn’t expecting that. sooyoung always thought they were doing amazingly, but then again there’s always going to be things she doesn’t notice. she hopes heejin is okay.

  
“oh,” she lets out, barely a whisper, “hyunjin, i’m so sorry.”

  
“it’s whatever,” hyunjin grumbles, her face not giving anything away. again, sooyoung wishes she was able to read the younger girl better.

  
hyunjin shoves herself away from the table, throwing her toast in the trash can and racing back to her room to get ready for school. all sooyoung can do is watch a she runs away.

  
maybe she shouldn’t have been so harsh on her.

✱✱✱

  
sooyoung plops down beside jungeun on the gym floor. they’d kind of made a silent agreement that this is class is the only time they would talk, both of them too unsure what would happen if they decided to move forward.

  
and there's also the conundrum that is jiwoo. the elephant in the room that they're both happy to ignore, though sooyoung knows that jungeun is still desperate to know what she found out from the redhead.

  
sooyoung won’t lie, it hurts being around jungeun for too long because even though they’re talking now, it doesn’t erase the fact that the other girl betrayed sooyoung’s trust in both her and jiwoo. sometimes sooyoung finds it hard to look at jungeun without that picture that heejin sent her flashing in her mind.

  
“you look miserable,” jungeun grumbles, the picture of happiness and joy that she is, “like, more than usual.”

  
okay, that’s just a straight up insult.

“thank you so much, jungeun,” sooyoung drones out, sarcastic to the bone, “i really do love you.”

  
jungeun raises her head from her knees, brows raised innocently. she grimaces when she sees the gloomy look on sooyoung’s face. she’d been joking when she said she thought sooyoung looked miserable, but this is...

  
"wow, i was just saying that to make fun of you," jungeun says after she actually takes the time to give sooyoung a glance over, "but you really do look horrible."

  
"oh, please, jungeun," sooyoung grunts out, stretching out her legs, "keep saying it, it really makes me feel good."

  
"sorry," the other girl replies, remorse in her voice.

  
sooyoung bumps her gently with her shoulder to let her know that she knows that jungeun doesn't mean anything harmful by it. it's just the way they show they care about each other, teasing one another with gentle barbs and jokes.

  
“what’s wrong?” the brunette prods sooyoung’s arm gently.

  
“family stuff,” sooyoung absolutely isn’t ready to talk about this with anybody in person just yet. she knows she would start crying the minute she did. she can feel tears burning at the corners of her eyes at only being asked what was wrong, she definitely can’t go all out yet.

  
“you’ll figure something out,” jungeun, bless her heart, really does try her best to encourage sooyoung, “you always do. remember that time hyunjin sprained her ankle really badly in middle school and you helped carry her to the nurse’s office.”

  
“that has literally nothing to do with persevering,” sooyoung replies, looking at jungeun with exasperation on her face, clear as day.

  
“you know what i mean!” jungeun whines playfully. sooyoung hides a smile, trying to not give anything away because it’s funny watching the other girl sweat.

  
✱✱✱

  
“god, i’m an idiot,” sooyoung sighs as she shoves her head against the back of the couch, defeated. haseul makes a disapproving noise and she turns to look at her.

  
sooyoung had been talking about the fight with hyunjin that morning. they were supposed to be studying during the two hours sooyoung had between school and work, but she couldn’t get it out of her mind and needed to mention it to somebody and haseul seemed a safer choice than jungeun.

  
haseul has a concerned look on her face, she curls her knees up against her chest and rests her chin there, her brows furrowed, and her mouth down turned.

  
“you need to stop talking about yourself like that,” haseul chastises, her voice a mere murmur but sooyoung hears her loud and clear, “you’re not an idiot, or stupid, or anything like that at all. and from what i’ve heard i think that you’re just stuck and that’s not your fault.”

  
“i appreciate it, i really do,” sooyoung grins sardonically. she isn’t lying, haseul’s assurances are touching but she can’t bring herself to believe them, no matter how much she’d like to, “but you don’t even know the half of it,”

  
“then tell me,” haseul pleads, her hand gripping sooyoung’s jean clad knee.

  
"alright," sooyoung avoids looking at haseul as she concedes, picking at her nails, "you know i haven't seen my parents in like a year?they go away a lot, it used to only be for a few months at a time, this is the longest they’ve ever been away. my dad tells us it's for work but if i think about it hard enough it's easy to tell that it's complete bullshit. my mom just doesn't want to be in the house. doesn't want to have to see me."

  
she ignores the noise of concern that comes from haseul and the way the other girl grips at her knee tightly.

  
“and now,” sooyoung starts and stops, clearing her throat, brows furrowing briefly before relaxing again, “now, i have to look after three kids with little to no help and it’s driving me insane. like, yes, they’re only two years younger than i am, but they’re still kids, and my parents don’t give a shit. they don’t even give me money to support us.”

  
sooyoung knows she’s making herself stressed just talking about it, can feel the way her breaths have started to come quicker as she rushes to get the words out.

  
haseul remains silent as she lets sooyoung process what she’s going to say next. that doesn’t mean that she can’t practically feel the other girl’s frown, the way haseul’s eyes bore into the side of her face.

  
“somebody quit at work this week as well,” sooyoung feel herself rambling but can’t seem to make herself stop. she tucks a loose strand of black hair behind her ear, “because his kid died. and it’s horrible but all i can think about it is how am i gonna find the time to take on those hours? i barely have time to study for school now, if i take this on, it’s only going to get worse.”

  
she makes a point of not mentioning her bills going up. sooyoung doesn’t want charity.

  
“i got cheated on, i can’t remember if i told you that, did i? whatever,” sooyoung rushes out. she turns her gaze to haseul’s dog and tries to focus on his slow and steady breathing in order to calm herself down, “and i’m pretty sure two of my sisters hate my guts.”

  
"sooyoung," haseul calls her name softly, "calm down, okay?"

  
sooyoung nods, she doesn't need to keep talking about this. she can tell haseul the rest of it another time. haseul wouldn't mind, right?

  
“i think you need to not split yourself into a million different directions because that’s what’s going to happen if you keep going like this,” haseul says plainly, glancing over at the tv screen.

  
yerim would probably say the same thing if she were here. sooyoung is happy she isn't.

  
"honestly, i don't really know what to say," haseul freely admits and sooyoung welcomes the honesty. it's better than having useless platitudes thrown at her over and over again, "i think you already know that most of this isn't your fault. except maybe the sister thing."

  
sooyoung huffs out a bitter laugh.

  
"but i'm sure you can figure something out," sooyoung notices how haseul deliberately doesn't mention anything about her parents. _maybe she thinks it'll upset me if she brings them up,_ sooyoung assumes.

  
“thanks,” sooyoung mumbles. opening up to another person, especially someone new, will never not be completely daunting for her, "for listening, that is."

  
haseul taps her knee with her fingers, fidgeting as she tries to accept sooyoung’s genuine feelings. it’s always been an issue for her, believing that someone truly means what they say and aren’t just saying it to have it out there.

  
her ex wasn’t really open about anything until they were at the end of their relationship.

  
“hey,” sooyoung musters up some courage to look at haseul directly, “i’m sure you don’t just want to hear about my shit. i know you said you were okay a few weeks back, but how about now?”

  
“i don’t know?” haseul says, confused, “i was okay for a while but...”

  
sooyoung watches as she trails off. she moves to face haseul, sitting with her legs crossed in front of her, open to whatever the other girl has to say. haseul avoids her gaze for a moment before putting her arm on the back of the couch and leaning her chin on her hand.

  
“she texted me a few days ago,” the short haired girl admits, “and it was fine, i guess. but then she started asking how i was doing, if i’d met anybody new.”

  
“that’s a bit...,” sooyoung furrows her brows, hadn’t haseul’s ex dumped her?

  
“i know, right?” haseul agrees, eyes wide, “like, she dumped me, and we agreed to not be friends, but suddenly she wants to talk.”

  
“are you over her?” the question seems to shock haseul into silence, her head turning away to look at the tv as if it would answer the question for her.

  
sooyoung watches the conflict that graces haseul’s face, the other girl debating with herself as she thinks over whether or not she’s over her ex. sooyoung doesn’t think she’ll like the answer she’s going to get.

  
she doesn’t know why, though.

  
haseul looks back at her, hand scraping through her short hair. it’s effortlessly attractive and sooyoung finds herself distracted by the motion.

  
“i don’t think i am, no,” haseul reveals, bringing sooyoung back to reality.

  
her friend looks upset, her eyebrows furrowed and a small frown peeking at the corners of her mouth. almost as if she's annoyed that she isn't over her ex by now.

  
“i think i should drop out,” sooyoung blurts out to get haseul out of her low mood. it’s not a lie, she’s truly considered leaving school, it would certainly make it easier for her to look after the girls and not have to worry about what they’re going to eat that month.

  
or well, at least not as much as she does now.

  
“you can’t be serious,” haseul scoffs, successfully distracted by sooyoung’s announcement, “you can’t just drop out! we’re nearly half through the year already, it’d be pointless when we’re so close to graduation.”

  
"it'd make my life so much easier," sooyoung whines childishly.

  
"it really wouldn't," haseul denies, "do you know how hard it is to get a good job without a high school diploma?"

  
because of course haseul would know something like that, sooyoung grumbles inwardly. she hasn't known the girl for long but even she can tell that haseul is brighter than she was.

  
haseul continues to rant about how sooyoung dropping out would ruin her life with an unexpected passion that throws her a bit. however, haseul being annoyed over her hypothetical choices was a lot better than having to sit and watch as she moped about an old relationship.

✱✱✱

  
“sooyoung, i’m really gonna need an answer from you soon,” seongmin tells her as she’s packing up to leave for home later that night.

  
thank god it was a quiet night because if he prodded on a night they were completely swamped, sooyoung knows she would snap at the man.

  
“i’m still thinking about it, okay?” sooyoung replies as she puts on her jacket.

  
“i know,” seongmin assures her, “but i really need this, kid. get back to me in three days, alright?”

  
sooyoung waves a hand over her shoulder in agreement as she leaves the restaurant.

  
she’s really going to have figure something out. and quick.

✱✱✱

  
the next day, yeojin races by her in the hall, bullies on her trail. sooyoung is about to chase after her to help the smaller girl out when her teacher shouts for her to come in.

  
sooyoung enters the classroom, guilt sputtering to life in her mind. she really wishes she knew what to do to help yeojin, but there’s only so many times she can scare her bullies off before they actually get violent with the shorter girl.

  
sooyoung isn’t helpless, knows she could probably take the snot nosed little brats in a fight, but that wouldn’t get her or yeojin anywhere.

  
she just wishes the teachers in this godforsaken school would actually do something for once in their useless lives.

✱✱✱

  
sooyoung’s glad that hyejoo actually agreed to come to her dance session that week. she knows her sister is scared shitless at the prospect of seeing chaewon from the way she trails behind sooyoung as they enter the studio.

  
she knows when her sister spots the blonde because she grabs at her wrist, anxiety apparent.

  
“sooyoung, i don’t think i can do this,” hyejoo tries to hide behind her, which is almost comedic considering she’s almost taller than sooyoung now. more of a scared puppy than the wolf she would compare herself to as a child.

  
“you’ll be fine!” sooyoung reassures the girl, removing her grip from her wrist, “you wanted to talk to chaewon, right? now’s your chance.”

  
hyejoo doesn’t actually get the chance to make the choice herself because chaewon comes marching over to the pair of them and drags hyejoo away by the hand. sooyoung lets out a laugh at the way her sister keeps looking back at her over her shoulder, panic on her face.

  
she watches chaewon and hyejoo from afar as they pause, just to keep an eye on them. the small blonde then takes hyejoo’s hand in her own again, moving further away again, leading her over to a far corner of the studio. sooyoung lets out a small chuckle as her sister follows her with little to no resistance, lovesick.

  
chaewon pulls hyejoo into a hug that looks far too private, more of a romantic embrace than a hug. the shorter girl has wrapped her arms around hyejoo’s neck, pulling her down so that she can rest her head on chaewon’s shoulder. hyejoo’s hands are wrapped tightly around chaewon’s waist, pulling her as close to her body has possible.

  
sooyoung turns away, cheeks flaring red slightly. god, it was gross seeing her baby sister all sappy like that, but she couldn’t be happier for the girl. all the pair had to do now was actually talk about their problems.

  
she really does hope everything works out for those two.

✱✱✱

  
the next morning, just before school starts, sooyoung finds herself in one of the bathrooms that no one goes to, comforting an upset heejin. she hadn’t meant to run after the girl, but she’d seen the look on her face and remembered that she and hyunjin had broken up. or, gone on a break, one of the two.

  
“hey,” she says, attempting to soothe the girl, “if i know you two, this isn’t going to last forever.”

  
“sure,” heejin scoffs, dabbing at her eyes with a bit of tissue, “i tried _so _hard to get her to talk to you because she’s so angry all the time but i don’t even think she wants help at this point. too goddamn stubborn, just like you.”

  
sooyoung stores the information about her sister’s anger issues in the back of her mind for later. that was a conversation better had with hyunjin than an upset heejin.

  
“i swear to god,” heejin continues, anger brewing in her tone, “all four of you should be in therapy.”

  
the comment makes sooyoung laugh, because _of course_ all of them should be in therapy. their goddamn parents should be going to couples’ therapy as well to stop themselves from punishing their kids for something out of their control.

  
it’s never going to happen, though.

  
"i'm not joking," heejin says, a scowl forming on her face as she takes sooyoung's laughter as mocking her.

  
“no,” sooyoung agrees, her laughter ceasing as the girl gets angrier, “i know you aren’t. i’m not making fun of you. it’s just— of course we should all be in therapy. i know that, you know that. hell, even the triplets know that.”

  
“if only it were that simple, though,” sooyoung shakes her head, running her hand through her hair.

  
“i know,” heejin mumbles, gaze on the floor. she knows they could never afford it without their parents being back home.

  
“listen,” sooyoung steps away, leaning against one of the sinks beside heejin, “i know this will sound like complete bullshit, but you and hyunjin will be fine. you two have known each other all your lives, it isn’t just going to end. i know that, you know that, even hyunjin knows that.”

  
“and hey,” sooyoung nudges heejin’s shoulder, “i can’t have my favorite freeloader just disappear forever. who else am i gonna chase after to get imaginary rent from?”

  
heejin laughs and it’s the happiest sound sooyoung has heard from the girl their entire conversation. some light has returned to her eyes and she’s happy that she’s at least somewhat responsible for putting it there.

  
the school bell drones, and the smaller girl comes to stand in front of her, drawing sooyoung into a brief hug before they both leave for their different classes.

✱✱✱

  
haseul, jinsoul and sooyoung are walking through the hallway, heading over to jinsoul’s locker so she can grab something before lunch. sooyoung stops outside one the classrooms when she hears minhee’s voice, the other two continue walking for a few moments before realizing that sooyoung has stopped. they make their way back over to her, matching looks of confusion on their faces.

  
“oh, come on,” minhee scoffs, unaware of the audience outside of the room, “yerim tries so hard there’s no way she isn’t easy. i bet, if you asked, she’d fuck you just to make you happy.”

  
“isn’t she your best friend?” one of the taller guys asks, baffled, “why are you saying all this?”

  
“what, it’s not like she’ll say anything,” minhee waves a hand, “she can’t even start her own fights, i swear. her big sister was ready to kill me for calling yerim a dyke and all yerim did was ask for me to say sorry. she’s a complete fucking pushover.”

  
sooyoung feels a cold sort of rage fill her, her face going blank as she listens to what the girl is saying about yerim. so much for apologizing.

  
she shoves her way into the classroom, flinging the door open wide.

  
(yes, she loves being dramatic sometimes. sue her.)

  
“what the fuck do you think you’re saying?” sooyoung demands, squaring up with the sophomore. distantly, she can hear haseul and jinsoul as they enter the room after her.

  
minhee, to her credit, actually looks ashamed of what she’s said for all of two minutes before the cold look of resignation slides back over her face.

  
"answer me. now," sooyoung threatens. this time, minhee's friends haven't actually fled the scene, though they have little chance to do so, what with haseul and jinsoul virtually blocking the doorway.

  
"oh please," minhee spits out, venomous, "everyone here knows what yerim's like. she's bringing this on herself."

  
sooyoung really can’t take this. yes, it may feel like yerim is trying to live in a fantasy land that will never exist, but she doesn’t deserve her supposed closest friend treating her like this behind her back.

  
“my sister gave you the benefit of the doubt once because she’s a wonderful person who could forgive a murderer if asked,” sooyoung starts, shoving at minhee’s shoulder violently, “i’m not. i’d kill you right here if i could.”

  
“oh sure,” minhee scoffs, “give if your best shot, working girl.”

  
sooyoung takes a moment to deliberate if beating the shit out of this girl will be worth it. logically, she knows it will only make yerim more upset with her, knowing that her sister beat up her friend, but her sister doesn’t know what’s lead to this. yerim doesn’t know what minhee has been saying behind her back, about her and her sisters.

  
all yerim knows is that sooyoung is under a crazy amount of stress.

  
she’ll get over it, sooyoung decides. yerim hating sooyoung for what she’s doing is better than not doing anything at all. sooyoung can live with the consequences. being a shitty sister can be rectified later, if what vivi told her is true.

  
it’ll only hurt for a little while, right?

  
“well, you know what they say,” sooyoung utters, completely calm, her face a blank canvas, “smack cam.”

  
and with that, she punches minhee (she’s still glad she finally knows her fucking name) right in the face.

  
“oh my god!” the girl shouts and sooyoung immediately feels jinsoul and haseul’s hands pulling at her shoulders (when did they move closer?), trying to get her away from the girl, but she resists, anger and adrenaline rushing through her veins.

  
yerim’s bitchass friend reels back before throwing a right hook at sooyoung’s face, letting out a pathetic yelp when her fist connects with sooyoung’s cheek, grasping her wrist in pain.

  
“fuck!” sooyoung hisses her reaches up to her face but is stopped when minhee strikes again, another right hook. she kicks at minhee’s knee, which gives way with a sickening crunch, making the girl crumple to the floor in pain.

  
“miss ha!” that’s her ap calc teacher for sure. sooyoung lets jinsoul and haseul pull her back. they collide with the desk behind them and stumble a bit before righting themselves.

  
haseul comes to stand in front of her, grabbing at her hand so that she can look at sooyoung’s cheek. sooyoung focuses on the shorter girl’s face to calm her breathing down, on the slope of her nose, her furrowed brows and down-turned lips. if she was less emotional sooyoung would almost call the look in haseul’s eyes worry but knows that that can’t be it.

  
other than hyejoo and jinsoul, who would worry about her?

  
speaking of jinsoul, sooyoung can feel the blonde rubbing at her shoulders from behind, trying to calm her wild heart.

  
“sooyoung, you need to calm down,” haseul reaches up to cup her cheek and sooyoung doesn’t stop her, no matter how much her face aches. the touch gives her something tangible to focus on other than thinking about wringing minhee’s neck like a wet towel.

  
“i know,” sooyoung nods against her hand, her breath heavy. for a brief moment, they just look at each other, haseul full of unease and sooyoung full of an adrenaline that is soon replaced with fatigue, she presses her face to the smaller girl’s hand again.

  
“uh, sooyoung,” jinsoul interrupts, nodding her head to where her calc teacher is bent down to check over minhee, her hands clenching slightly around sooyoung’s shoulders, “i think you really hurt that girl.”

  
“i don’t care,” is the answer the blonde gets, sooyoung’s voice rough, “she should think before she speaks.”

  
“you three,” sooyoung’s calc teacher stands to face them, pointing to the door where a small crowd has gathered, “principal’s office. now.”

  
jinsoul pushes her forward before she has a chance to object. they all stumble for a second again, all three of them relatively tangled up in each other. jinsoul frees sooyoung from her grip when they’re out the door, pushing through the throng of people.

  
sooyoung focuses on the feeling of haseul’s hand, which had encased hers as they left the room.

✱✱✱

  
the principal gives all three of them detention and sooyoung gets suspended from school for three weeks for fighting and seriously injuring another student.

  
she doesn’t regret it.

  
hell, now she’ll be able to take seongmin up on his offer of more work hours, so maybe this is actually a good thing. her life might actually get a bit easier from here on out.

  
(she hopes.)

✱✱✱

  
“this is the stupidest shit ever,” jinsoul announces to nobody, “haseul and i didn’t even do anything, why the hell are we here.”

  
“i think it’s an association thing—” haseul’s comment is interrupted.

  
“yes, i know it’s an association thing, haseul,” jinsoul snaps, tense, “i’m not an idiot.”

  
“hey, chill out,” sooyoung warns, the ice pack hitting the table with a soft thump.

  
“no! it’s your fault we’re even here!” jinsoul fires back, “you know i’ve never had detention, ever! i’m an honor roll student for a reason!”

  
ah, sooyoung nods to herself slightly. of course, jinsoul would be stressed about getting a detention, her grades and academic standing mean a lot to her.

  
“well, i doubt one detention is gonna ruin your perfect record,” she doesn’t mean to sound so dismissive; her mood really isn’t helping this situation at all.

  
“why couldn’t you have just let that thing with minhee go?” jinsoul scoffs under her breath.

  
the comment stokes the irritation that still churns in her gut and sooyoung finds herself standing up, accidentally pushing her chair over with her abruptness.

  
“what would you do if someone said all that shit about chaewon, huh?” sooyoung retorts hands slapping down onto the desk, “because i think you wouldn’t do _shit_.”

  
“sooyoung,” haseul chastises her from her seat across the room. she really doesn’t want them to fight, there’s already been too much of that today.

  
“when will you realize that you don’t have to take on everybody’s problems?” jinsoul mumbles, watching her hand as she scratches at the wooden surface of the desk, “why couldn’t you just listen to vivi? i know she told you something important.”

  
the lack of fight in the blonde makes sooyoung give up. she rights her chair and sits back down, pressing the ice pack to her face again and hissing at the pain in her cheek.

  
she wishes acting on vivi’s advice was as easy as that. mostly, she just wishes that this wasn’t her life at all, she doesn’t want to keep going round in circles because it’s all she seems to be doing as of late, but hey, when did sooyoung ever get what she wanted?

  
haseul’s claim that she was stuck became more and more true as time passed, but where the shorter girl saw an out for her, sooyoung only sees a horrible conclusion, an even deeper well of shit of her own making.

  
"did i really say smack cam out loud?" sooyoung asks, realization striking her. haseul giggles before jinsoul shuts her up with a glare.

  
the rest of detention is spent in relative silence bar the odd hiss of pain that leaves sooyoung each time she moves the ice pack.

✱✱✱

  
“i would say i’m disappointed,” haseul comments as they watch jinsoul walk away, hopping into her mom’s car with her head ducked in shame, “but i think you’ve got enough of that already.”

  
sooyoung gives her a mildly irritated look and then looks down the street as another car comes into view.

  
“you look cute in your glasses by the way,” haseul says just before getting into her mother’s car. the comment makes her blush wildly, red blooming across her cheeks all the way up to her ears.

  
she ducks her head, a bashful smile on her face as her hand reaches up to fiddle with the horn-rimmed glasses perched on her nose. she’d put them on in the bathroom just after her meeting with the principal, her contacts had started to annoy her, which she attributed to getting punched in the face.

  
her happiness dissipates when she realizes that haseul had probably just said that to make her feel better. she doesn’t believe that the other girl truly meant it. a disheartened sigh escapes her lips.

  
she’s distracted from thoughts of haseul when she sees yerim stomping over towards her and a new feeling of dread settles in her bones. she really is an idiot.

  
sooyoung doesn’t expect the slap across her face, pain blooming in her already inflamed cheek as her head twists to the right. the impact causes her glasses to go crooked, slipping down her nose, but sooyoung pays it little notice simply pushing them back up as shock spreads through her.

  
she thought hyunjin would be the only one of them to ever hit her.

  
(not that it’s ever happened, but still.)

  
sooyoung lifts the back of her hand to swipe at the trickle of blood running down her nose. huh, she muses as she looks at the crimson staining her hand, turns out getting in the face one too many times can do that.

  
she takes her time examining it before turning her gaze to her sister. yerim looks shocked herself, as if she didn’t think that she would actually hit sooyoung. she doesn’t seem sorry.

  
“don’t ever do that again.”

  
it’s final. a demand rather than a question.

  
sooyoung doesn’t want her sister, any of her sisters to turn to violence to solve an issue or express themselves. it makes her a hypocrite, but she doesn’t want any them to be like her. full of an anger, a sadness, that she doesn’t know what to do with so she either represses it or lets it consume her.

  
they don’t deserve that.

  
(she doesn’t either, but what she deserves doesn’t matter, no matter how many times haseul, vivi or jinsoul might try to convince her otherwise.)

  
“you broke minhee’s leg,” yerim breezes past the demand and gets straight to the point, “you told me you would stop meddling!”

  
“when did i ever do that?!” sooyoung fires back, “you told me she apologized for callings us dykes, that’s it! we only agreed on her not coming to the house, nothing else.”

  
she stretches her hands out, sore from being clenched.

  
“listen, i’m not going to apologize for beating her up, if you can even call it that,” sooyoung waves away whatever yerim was about to interject with, “i’ll say sorry for breaking her leg, that was too much, but you weren’t there when it happened. you don't have a goddamn clue what she said about you and i'm not about to repeat it because it was fucking vile. i’m also not about to let somebody get away with calling me ‘working girl!'”

  
“you don’t get to hit me and blame this entire thing on me. it’s not happening.”

  
“you need to stop pretending like a little girl,” sooyoung is breathing heavily now. her anger from earlier rearing its ugly head again, “you want things to be okay? then help me, help hyejoo, hell, even help hyunjin, but sitting back and wishing things were magically okay isn’t gonna do anything.”

  
“i know that!” yerim finally snaps back at her, “i know i can’t keep pretending! but how am i supposed to do anything when i don’t know what to do?! have you ever thought for one second, that this is how i’m coping because so much around me is going to shit.”

  
sooyoung grinds her jaw, her nostrils flaring as she lets out a sharp breath. she steps away from her sister to begin walking to the bus stop down the road.

  
it’s amazing how her sister’s excuse manages to imply that her love of pretending is somehow also sooyoung’s fault.

  
she’s well aware that it couldn’t be anything to do with hyejoo or hyunjin. why the hell would yerim be upset about hyunjin getting dumped?

  
(or is she projecting? she doesn’t know.)

  
“don’t walk away from me,” yerim’s call is choked and sooyoung pauses mid-step to look at her over her shoulder.

  
her sister looks small standing there in the middle of the sidewalk, her body tense. sooyoung almost can’t believe she’s the same person who had held her as she cried. the sight of her doesn’t make sooyoung feel sad though, her annoyance with the girl still too prominent.

  
(her sisters may be a source of great joy in her life, but that doesn’t mean that they can’t be the most frustrating people she’s ever had to deal with.)

  
“you need to grow up,” sooyoung shoves her hands in her jacket pockets, “and soon, because i don’t know how much more of this i can take.”

  
sooyoung envisions a wall that has started to build between them, worse than ever. yerim feels a million miles away and sooyoung doesn’t even know if she wants to reach out for her right now.

  
(would yerim even want her to?)

  
yerim has begun to feel like hyunjin to her. diametrically opposed.

  
sooyoung walks away.

  
yerim’s soft “_please, don’t_” goes ignored.

✱✱✱

  
a cold silence greets her when she enters her house. sooyoung sees yerim and hyunjin sitting in the living room as if waiting for her to arrive home. god, she doesn’t know what’s going to happen if they team up against her right now. she hopes they don’t.

  
knowing her luck though....

  
sooyoung takes her glasses off to rub at her eyes with back of her hand, wincing at the persistent throbbing ache in her cheek from minhee’s punch and yerim’s slap.

  
“dude, what the hell happened to your face?” hyunjin asks, her gaze stopping on sooyoung.

  
“oh, so now you’re gonna preach to me, too?” sooyoung snaps at hyunjin. it isn’t justified and sooyoung feels bad for shouting at her right away. she doesn't want to talk about the fucking fight.

  
it wasn’t a smart thing to do either. sooyoung can see the way hyunjin begins to shut down, her face going blank as she jumps up from the couch.

  
“well,” hyunjin barks out, “maybe i wouldn’t have to preach to you if you weren’t such a goddamn dumbass!”

  
this is escalating far too quickly and unexpectedly for sooyoung’s liking, she doesn’t want this to spin out of control.

  
yerim says nothing from where she’s sitting and sooyoung spites her for it.

  
“you’re just like mom,” sooyoung insults the girl, it’s completely out of pocket and it makes hyunjin pause for a moment, shock in her eyes, “you can’t let go of any type of grudge. i wouldn’t be surprised if you’d do things just to spite me as well. god knows she’d rather you three have kim as your last name and not ha.”

  
"what the fuck are you talking about?” hyunjin throws back as she steps towards her.

  
yerim makes a move then, rushing over to stand in between sooyoung and hyunjin as if she's expecting them to start swinging on each other at any moment.

  
sooyoung feels out of control in a way that she decides she despises.

  
“sooyoung,” yerim holds her back from hyunjin and if sooyoung were in the right state of mind, she’d be horrified that her sister thought that she would hurt them. yerim may have hurt her but it doesn’t mean she’ll do the same, “please stop, you’re only gonna make this worse.”

  
“i mean, dad would know, too, if he was here,” sooyoung bypasses her sister’s request, too lost in her own thoughts, “you know mom only wanted to have you three because he cheated on her and had me with some other woman?”

  
silence.

  
“she literally had you three just to spite him and his role in my existence,” she continues, not registering the looks of abject horror that had crawled across yerim and hyunjin’s faces, “and he still follows her around like a beaten old dog. it’s pathetic.”

  
“sooyoung, what the hell are you talking about?” yerim demands, a tremor in her voice, her hands shaking against sooyoung’s shoulders.

  
the sound of her voice finally brings sooyoung back to reality and she freezes when she realizes what she’s just revealed to her sisters. it wasn’t something they were every supposed to know, it was a secret for her and her only.

  
(she can’t let them know how their mother treated her when she was here. of how she thinks that their extended absences are down to their mother begin a resentful old crone.)

  
"sooyoung,” she turns her head to see hyejoo braced against the doorway. the sight of her just lets her know that, no, she won’t be able to run away from this conversation, “answer the question.”

  
god, sooyoung wonders when the last time the four of them were ever in the same room like this.

  
“our mom’s a complete bitch,” sooyoung moves away from yerim’s grasp, shaking off the hands that try to keep her there, “but you guys know that already, i guess.”

  
she sits down on the couch, placing her head in her hands as she thinks of the best way to phrase what she’s going to say. she knows the girls would like it better if she just told them the outright truth, but that’s not something that she’s going to be able to do. not without exposing shit she doesn’t want them to know.

  
this really isn’t something that she should be talking about without their parents being here, or their dad at least because he’d probably be more willing to talk about it with them.

  
she still feels out of control.

  
“look,” sooyoung starts. she doesn’t look at her sisters as the sit around her, hyejoo directly at her side and the other two a bit further away, “i only found about it a while ago, okay? so i don’t know everything.”

  
“but you know enough,” hyunjin says, voice cold. sooyoung really isn’t surprised that her sister is taking a step back from empathizing with her, considering their fight the other day, “more than we do. obviously.”

  
“fine,” sooyoung snaps, “he and mom were fighting, it was serious, he went out and fucked someone else, nine months later and here i am. the end.”

  
“no,” it’s hyejoo this time, her voice watery, “it’s not fine. why didn’t you tell us? or at least me? i think we deserve that.”

  
they deserve a lot of things that sooyoung can’t give them.

  
“you wanna know why? really?” sooyoung presses her palms to eyes and then drags them down her face, “because it _hurts_. do you think i want to know why mom hates me? and she does, there’s no doubt in my mind about it. i had to deal with knowing myself and coming to peace with it before i could even think about telling you three.”

  
“because it’s always about you,” hyunjin comments lazily, “one day you’re going to realize that your excuses just aren’t enough, sooyoung.”

  
“_excuses_...” sooyoung trails off, a whimper escapes her throat, the sound resonating in the room. tears begin to fall, she can feel yerim’s gaze on her face and knows that her sister is probably thinking back to sooyoung’s last breakdown. she stands up, shaking off hyejoo’s grip roughly, “you know, i actually thought we could’ve gotten somewhere after we talked the other day, but...

  
she looks at hyunjin. her sister’s face is unreadable to sooyoung.

  
“nothing i do will ever be enough for you, will it?”

  
“sooyoungie,” hyejoo’s apprehensive whisper goes unanswered, a small sob escapes sooyoung’s lips at the nickname, at her sister’s concern. she watches as yerim comes to move closer to hyunjin as if to protect the girl.

  
the division between the pairs is glaringly obvious. hyejoo will try and remain sympathetic to sooyoung whereas yerim will try to do the same for hyunjin. sooyoung wants to believe the gap can be repaired but lately it seems futile, especially now.

  
“you didn’t have to lie when you told me you didn’t hate me,” sooyoung recalls and there’s a crack in hyunjin’s cold facade. hyunjin’s jaw grinds and her brows furrow.

  
sooyoung doesn’t stay to see what happens next, bolting out of the living room, scrambling for purchase on the railing of the stairs. she pauses there on the stairs for a moment as she’s retreating to her bedroom.

  
running away from something she started.

  
“you never give her a chance!”

  
she almost regrets leaving hyejoo down there to defend her to the others.

  
“why should i?”

  
“because she’s trying! that’s more than what mom and dad are doing. they don’t even bother calling us like normal fucking people!”

  
“if sooyoung’s version of trying is beating up my friends, i don’t want it.”

  
“everyone, and i really mean everyone, saw that coming, yerimie! even you.”

  
“have you seen her face? we don’t need her protection.”

  
“shut the fuck up, hyunjin! why can’t you be nice to someone who isn’t your goddamn girlfriend for once in your life? you don’t make anything easy for any of us, not just sooyoung. god, maybe that’s why heejin left you.”

  
“hyejoo!”

  
sooyoung doesn’t stay to listen in on their arguing any longer, knows that she’ll end up interjecting if she does. she considers blaming their fight on herself for a moment, lord knows it’s been her thing lately, but decides against it.

  
adding that to the rest of the shit stacked up against her isn’t worth it right now.

  
she makes her way to her room, wiping her tears off of her cheeks and ignoring the commotion from the living room. she makes sure to slam her bedroom door once she’s inside.

  
(yes, she’s still petty like that.)

  
✱✱✱

  
later, when the commotion downstairs has finally settled, sooyoung finds herself in the bathroom, poking and prodding at the ugly purple-black bruises on her face, they scrawl across her face tinging a horrible green yellow color when they meet her the other side of her face. the blemishes feel unbelievably warm under her touch. her left eye has also almost completely swollen shut and there’s a perpetual ache in her head.

  
haseul was definitely just trying to make her feel better with her compliment about sooyoung’s glasses earlier. looking at herself now, all sooyoung feels is grotesque, a ruined picture of her true self.

  
she feels hollow. an empty shell of her former self.

  
she wonders when she became like this? was it after she found out that jiwoo was cheating on her and they broke up? or was it before? or has everything been building up to this? she doesn’t know the answer.

  
doesn’t know if she wants to know.

  
sooyoung wonders what makes her friends stick around. what do they see in her that she doesn’t?

  
her spiraling thoughts melt into irritation when she realizes she’s not going to be able to wear her contact lenses for ages.

  
slapping her injured cheek slightly, she scolds herself for being so silly. she can go a week or two without them, it’s not the end of the world.

  
(she locks away the faint feeling of pleasure she got from hitting herself away in the back of her mind and throws away the key. sooyoung doubts that it’s something that will come back.)

✱✱✱

  
she’s sitting on the side of the road in front of her house, too afraid to go back in. she’d retreated outside for a bit to get some fresh air, needed to feel the breeze against her face. it really is times like these that sooyoung wishes she’d picked up a vice like smoking to take the edge off because she detests feeling this high strung.

  
a quiet meow catches her attention and sooyoung turns her head to see a small black and white cat slinking its way towards her cautiously.

  
she watches as the black and white cat slowly makes its way closer to her, careful just in case sooyoung moves too quickly. when it gets close enough she holds out a hand for it to sniff. it flinches back a bit when her hand begins to move towards its face, untrustworthy of the stranger trying to pet it.

  
sooyoung waits patiently, hand outstretched.

  
“see, everything’s okay,” she coos at the cat, grinning when it rubs its head against her palm.

  
the cat curls up beside, purring as she stokes her hand over his head.

  
she thinks about what to call it for a while before remembering that hyunjin had wanted a cat when they were kids, adamant that they were the best type of pet to have and that of course they should get one. her sister, maybe around six or so, had said that she’d call the first cat she ever got ‘aeongie’ just because it would be funny.

  
“aeongie,” sooyoung murmurs to the cat as it begins to knead at her thigh. the name is a good reminder of how cute hyunjin was when they were kids, of how she used to be less serious and more animated around the house.

  
hyunjin only saves that for heejin now. well, before they broke up.

  
she scratches around the cat’s face, careful not to hurt it, and it purrs contently.

  
(she’s so happy this thing isn’t feral and hasn’t tried to kill her. yet.)

  
“sooyoungie,” hyejoo calls from their doorstep, watching sooyoung as she pets the cat, “you should come inside. it’s late.”

  
“i’ll be in soon, hyejoo,” sooyoung replies, attention still on the cat at her side.

  
they both know if hyejoo doesn’t force her inside that sooyoung would stay out there all night. or find somewhere to go and get smashed and come back reeking of alcohol and maybe another person, collapsed on the couch in the morning like she had all those weeks ago.

  
god, that all feels like a distant dream compared to now.

  
hyejoo goes back into the house for a second. she slips on a pair of shoes before going outside and sitting down beside sooyoung, pressing into her side for warmth.

  
sooyoung lets out a breathy laugh at her sister’s ridiculous pineapple pajama bottoms, obviously a gift from chaewon and not something her sister would willingly go out and buy for herself.

  
she winces when the cat gnaws on her fingers to get her attention again and sooyoung resumes scratching her hands around it’s face and down it’s lithe back. it jumps onto her lap, twirling around in a circle before settling down, purring contently.

  
“you’re going to get sick if you keep sitting out here,” hyejoo shivers beside her. sooyoung slips off her black hoodie and wraps it around the girl’s shoulders, patting her back lightly. hyejoo gives her a short glare, as if to say she isn’t even that cold, but sooyoung can see the way she clutches the soft fabric around herself, grateful for the heat.

  
“i think i’ll be okay,” sooyoung says, laying her head on hyejoo’s shoulder. god, her sister really is bony. pain flares in her cheek from her injuries.

  
“we both know that that’s doubtful,” hyejoo leans her head against sooyoung’s, reaching out to pet the cat on her lap, “considering how stupid you’ve been lately.”

  
sooyoung chuckles at the truth of it.

  
hyejoo nudges her and sooyoung leans her head back to look at her.

  
“please stop beating yourself up so much,” her little sister pleads with her, “i know you can’t really help it, but you’re only going to make yourself sick if you keep this up.”

  
“it’s not that simple,” sooyoung denies, turning her gaze back down to the cat in her lap.

  
“the last time i saw you like this you literally ended up staying in bed for a week because you couldn’t stop being sick,” hyejoo replies, her hand moving towards the small cat as well.

  
hyejoo goes quiet for a moment and sooyoung assumes the other girl is weighing up her options to see if what she says next is okay.

  
“i know we’re short on money again,” hyejoo blurts out and sooyoung lets out a sharp breath, “yerim told us after you went upstairs.”

  
“well, if she’s spilling secrets, did she tell you that she hit me as well?” sooyoung scoffs bitterly. she still can’t believe that yerim thought that she would hurt hyunjin back when they were fighting, considering her own actions earlier that day.

  
“what?” hyejoo asks in disbelief, “no, when did that happen?”

  
looking down at the cat, sooyoung strokes its black fur and listens to it purr underneath her touch.

  
“sooyoungie,” hyejoo prods, voice stern. her head remains pressed to the top of sooyoung’s and sooyoung knows without looking that the girl is frowning.

  
“it was after my detention,” sooyoung tells her, “haseul had just left and yerimie came storming over and boom! slaps me right across the face. i don’t even think she regrets it. that’s what makes it feel even worse than it is.”

  
there's a lull in the conversation, both them not really knowing what to say about the situation. they turn their attention to the cat in sooyoung's lap for a while.

  
“you don’t have to worry about hyunjin,” hyejoo mutters, “she told us she’d try and be a bit less... like _that_. for now, at least.”

  
“i just wish i knew what was really up with her,” sooyoung admits, “her and yerim both hide behind their own masks but hyunjin is a thousand times harder to read.”

  
“i think she’s just angry all the time,” her sister tells her, “and she doesn’t know how to deal with it. you know she nearly broke someone’s leg playing soccer after you guys fought a few weeks back?”

  
“what?” sooyoung lets out, disbelieving.

  
“i know, right?” hyejoo empathizes, brows raised incredulously, “yerimie told me she nearly got kicked off of the team because of it. i think it’s part of the reason she and heejin broke up as well.”

  
“the soccer thing?” she questions, hands slowing down on the cat’s back, distracted by the turn in conversation.

  
“nah,” hyejoo shakes her head a little, “the anger thing. i don’t know a lot about it if i’m honest, just that.”

  
(she’d forgotten heejin telling her how angry hyunjin would get, her own issues taking all her attention.)

  
"well,” sooyoung breathes out, weary, “i’m sure everyone in school will find out and spread it around everywhere soon.”

  
“true,” her sister scoffs lightly.

  
they spend some more time just sitting on the sidewalk, shivering every now and then when the wind blows harshly.

  
hyejoo stands up, her shoulder knocking against sooyoung’s sore cheek, making her let out a sharp hiss of pain. her sister looks at her apologetically, brows raised. hyejoo holds a hand out to her and sooyoung lifts the cat up into her arms. it lets out a confused, warbling squeal at all the movement before clawing at sooyoung’s shoulder, finding purchase there.

  
sooyoung grabs hyejoo’s hand and lets herself be pulled up.

  
she wraps her arm around her sister’s shoulders, tugging her into a side hug, shaking her lightly. she lets out a laugh at the whine of irritation that leaves her sister’s mouth. hyejoo can complain all she wants but sooyoung knows that her sister actually enjoys the attention, even if she’ll never say it out loud.

  
the cat in her other arm hisses.

  
(she probably shouldn’t let this thing into her house, but doesn’t have the heart to leave it outside, especially when it’s getting colder.)

  
"i talked to chaewonie," hyejoo announces, casual as ever, just before they enter the house. it makes sooyoung pause, trying to think of when that could’ve happened and then remember that hyejoo had went to that dance session with her.

  
“yeah? how’d that go?” sooyoung asks, unwrapping her arm from around hyejoo to hold the cat properly, stroking under its chin and cooing a bit when it gets irritated at the constant movement.

  
she listens as hyejoo quietly tells her how, while they still have some stuff to sort out, her and chaewon have decided to give dating a try.

  
again, sooyoung is struck by the fact that the girls are all growing up.

  
✱✱✱

  
as she’s heading to bed later that night, she comes across hyunjin playing with the cat in the living room. sooyoung stands rooted to the spot as she sees the wide grin on her sister’s face as she teases the cat with a laser pointer.

  
it’s been so long since she’s seen her sister crack a smile that it fills her with warmth and happiness. sooyoung’s grateful that she’s managed to do something to make the other girl happy, even if her sister isn’t aware of it.

  
(god, now she’s going to have to keep the cat.)

  
with one last look at hyunjin, sooyoung imprints the look of delight on hyunjin’s face into her mind and slips away, back upstairs to her room.

  
(she pointedly ignores how her sister was meowing at the cat for her own sanity.)

✱✱✱

  
sooyoung runs into jiwoo outside of the restaurant the next day, a friday, just after her shift has ended. the sun is beginning to set, painting the sky a beautiful orange and pink. it was where they used to meet up when they were going to spend the night at either of their houses, just outside the laundromat a few paces down the street.

  
(seongmin had been overjoyed when she called him to accept the extra work. however, she did get ripped into when she turned up with her face the way it is, though she knows it was only out of worry.)

  
when she reaches her, the shorter girl pulls her into a hug and lets out a relieved sigh, much to sooyoung’s confusion. last thing she knew, they were still fighting. or, in some weird stalemate that they refused to break.

  
“uh, hi?” sooyoung greets the girl, bewildered, pressing her hand to jiwoo’s back comfortingly.

  
jiwoo steps away, as if remembering who she was hugging. the girl lets out a self-deprecating little laugh, and sooyoung knows that jiwoo is calling herself silly in her head, recalls the other girl doing it when they were together sometimes.

  
sooyoung lets her gather her bearings. maybe jiwoo hadn’t expected to hug her either, she muses, tugging on her jacket sleeves. it’s too cold for this.

  
clearing her throat, jiwoo moves into sooyoung’s personal space.

  
sooyoung doesn’t stop her. in fact, she welcomes the redhead’s warmth.

  
(she’s still confused over why the other girl hasn't blown up at her yet, but then remembers that she hasn’t actually told jungeun anything or confronted jiwoo since then.)

  
"i heard about the fight," jiwoo lays her hand on sooyoung's injured cheek, thumb stroking across the bruising as light as she possibly can, "i just didn't think it'd be this bad."

  
“well, my face is all i have,” sooyoung jokes, “so let’s hope it heals up soon.”

  
“oh, well the bruising adds character, it's actually kinda sexy, if you're into that,” jiwoo continues their little charade, “but we both also know it isn’t all you have, your body is also amazing. your hands? not so much.”

  
sooyoung lets out a breathy laugh and then gives in to her desire to lean into jiwoo's hand, trying hard not to agitate her face.

  
(she’s not going to deny the comment, her hands always have been kind of ugly, out of proportion with the rest of her body.)

  
“it’s not like you to just attack someone,” jiwoo settles down, her laugh fading into quiet contemplation, she looks deep into sooyoung’s eyes, “so, i’m going to assume that girl said something about one of your kids.”

  
sooyoung’s lips quirk. jiwoo really does know everything about her, knows how predictable she can be.

  
_three years in a relationship will do that to a person_, sooyoung muses. she wonders if she knows everything there is to know about jiwoo, but the thought is discarded when she recalls their last confrontation.

  
(she lets the implication of the triplets being her kids pass her by. it was something jiwoo had used to joke about, both with her _and_ them, in order to make their fucked-up family situation feel a little less suffocating. sooyoung continues to appreciate the gesture.)

  
“well,” sooyoung lets out a breathy laugh, shrugging her shoulders, “you know me.”

  
“true,” jiwoo whispers back, a fond look in her eye as she strokes sooyoung’s cheek again, “you’re absolutely ridiculous and stubborn like crazy—”

  
“hey,” sooyoung interjects with a huff, chest puffing out, “you liked that about me.”

  
“i did,” jiwoo laughs, then pauses suddenly before saying, “i do.”

  
there’s a brief pause and sooyoung places her hand on jiwoo’s waist, gripping her lightly, feeling her curves beneath her touch.

  
they forget themselves for a moment. their break up thrown into the back of their minds as they revert to how they were when they were together.

  
jiwoo tilts her face up, minutely, her other hand coming up to rest on the back of sooyoung’s neck and sooyoung knows what’s going to happen next immediately. her ex leans up, tugging sooyoung down, and presses a kiss against her lips.

  
sooyoung doesn’t push her away, lost in the kiss. as much as she’s been (rightfully) angry at the girl, she’s also missed her intensely, missed jiwoo’s warmth, the way her arms wrap around her neck when they kiss, how she would press her body as close to sooyoung’s as possible, as if she could cover sooyoung entirely.

  
jiwoo was a needy kisser and sooyoung loved it. still loves it.

  
their kisses always made sooyoung feel like she was drowning in the best way possible.

  
breaking up with her had felt like losing a part of herself, they’ve known each for so long, been so entwined in each other’s lives, been each other’s firsts for... _everything_. sooyoung can push thoughts of jiwoo away, she can repress them like nobody’s business, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t there.

  
(the fact that everything around her is going horribly is the only thing that helps sooyoung forget about jiwoo and what they had together.)

  
sooyoung reaches up and curls her hand around jiwoo’s neck, her thumb stroking across her jawline. jiwoo leans back slightly to take in a breath and sooyoung can see the longing in the other girl’s eyes, as if she had missed this too. jiwoo leans in again, taking sooyoung’s bottom lip between her own and sooyoung lets out a quiet groan.

  
sooyoung opens her mouth and the first brush of jiwoo’s tongue lets her know that this is a kiss that’s about to lead somewhere it most definitely shouldn’t. she knows they should stop, for both their sake’s. this is only going to set them both back in the long run. jiwoo’s fingers scratch lightly at her nape and the motion causes a shiver to travel up her spine. her cautious thoughts slip away into nothing.

  
sooyoung sucks on jiwoo’s tongue and it causes the girl to let out a low moan. sooyoung curves the hand on jiwoo’s waist around her back, stroking up her spine, and jiwoo presses herself impossibly closer. the hand still on sooyoung’s face presses down and it makes sooyoung step away abruptly as pain shoots across her bruised cheek. her glasses slip down her nose and she roughly jams them back up, taking little notice.

  
jiwoo looks at her apologetically, her hand stroking around her shoulder to the center of sooyoung’s chest and sooyoung knows the other girl can feel the erratic beating of her heart.

  
the cold winter air slaps sooyoung in the face, jolting her out of whatever dream space she was occupying in her mind. the reality of their situation coming to the forefront of her mind again. she reaches up and grasps jiwoo’s hand with her own, but doesn’t push the other girl away, instead she just raises jiwoo’s hand up and presses a soft kiss against it before letting their hands drop into the newly formed space between them.

  
“we shouldn’t have done that,” sooyoung whispers, squeezing jiwoo’s hand.

  
“no, we shouldn’t,” jiwoo admits.

  
a moment of silence passes wherein they take the time to get their bearings. sooyoung watches jiwoo with sadness in her eyes, she wants to close the gap between them, wants to forget their breakup ever happened and return to the feeling of safety and home she once found in jiwoo’s arms.

  
but sooyoung knows that can only ever be a dream. both of them have changed too much for them to actually work in a relationship anymore. sooyoung losing herself to her own depression and anger, and jiwoo losing herself to... well, sooyoung doesn’t know, but she can imagine it isn’t good.

  
(it’s still a nice dream, all things considered. and maybe things would’ve worked out better if this was a different world and they were better people for each other, but it isn’t, and they aren't.)

  
sooyoung almost _wants_ to make herself feel bad about this, wants to make herself believe that the kiss was horrible and that it didn’t evoke those emotions within her.

  
(hyejoo really wasn’t wrong when she implied that sooyoung loves to beat herself up over anything to the point of illness.)

  
but she can’t deny her own feelings like that. she doesn’t regret the kiss or how it made her feel _good_ for the first time in a while.

  
the only other people who have been able to make her feel good lately are hyejoo and haseul.

  
(she hasn’t even spoken to jinsoul since detention. the blonde could be avoiding her for all she knows.)

  
sooyoung ignores the voice in her head telling her that it was jiwoo’s fault their relationship fell apart, because it wasn’t. she won’t let her anger cloud the fact that it was both of them that let everything disintegrate. she could play the blame game all she wanted, but it won’t change the truth.

  
the acknowledgment of it lifts a weight off of sooyoung’s shoulders.

  
(maybe soon she’ll actually be able to accept it. the thought of that scares her because that would mean she was really on the path to getting over the girl.)

  
"i always liked it when you wore your glasses," jiwoo mumbles, hand ruffling her bangs lightly, breaking sooyoung out of her trance.

  
"i know," sooyoung replies, stepping away and letting their hands part. she gives jiwoo a lopsided grin when the other girl grips at her fingers as sooyoung's hand slips away, before ultimately grasping at nothing.

"you should talk to jungeun," sooyoung urges, poking jiwoo in the stomach, "for all of our sakes."

  
"i will," jiwoo nods. it makes sooyoung happy, she just wants to get this part of her life over and done with now. she also wants both of them back in her life because she misses hanging out with both of them.

  
the kiss was a mistake, but sooyoung won’t deny that it felt good to be around jiwoo and not have to worry about it turning into a fight.

  
the two of them part with a hug that lasts a little bit longer than it probably should and sooyoung feels like something in her chest has finally settled. she watches jiwoo leave with a fond gaze before heading into the nearby cafe to meet up with haseul.

✱✱✱

  
“i’m still annoyed at you,” haseul greets her with a punch to her arm and sooyoung winces at the impact.

  
they’d agreed to meet up after sooyoung’s shift so that haseul could give her the shit she missed in class today to stop her from falling behind even farther.

  
“ow, what the fuck,” sooyoung complains, rubbing at her arm. haseul’s hands may be tiny, but the punch still hurt.

  
“oh, please,” haseul says, sarcasm in her tone, “i didn’t hurt that much.”

  
“hey, you may have tiny hands but that shit still stings!” sooyoung replies, adamantly, still rubbing at the offended spot on her arm.

“wow, okay,” haseul scoffs gently, pulling out her chair and setting her bag on the floor, “you big baby.”

  
“i resent that,” sooyoung objects.

they spend some time talking about their respective days, sooyoung complaining about work and haseul complaining about school. sooyoung laughs when haseul tells her she's reconsidering her opinion on dropping out.

haseul pauses, silently fidgeting with her coffee cup. sooyoung pokes her leg with her foot.

“my ex is visiting in a few days,” sooyoung doesn’t know why haseul’s comment sounds ashamed.

  
the prospect of haseul’s ex showing up and monopolizing her time causes jealousy to churn in her gut. then confusion. which can’t be right, sooyoung doesn’t have a crush on haseul.

  
it’s illogical.

  
sooyoung still isn’t over jiwoo. that entire dumpster fire of emotions has yet to be dealt with. distantly, she wonders if haseul would feel jealous about her encounter with jiwoo before meeting up with her. what would haseul say if she knew about jiwoo kissing her and sooyoung not pushing her ex away? what would haseul say if she knew that sooyoung missed being with her ex?

  
sooyoung doesn’t know what she fears more, making haseul upset or disappointing her. telling her the situation with jiwoo could very well do both, so she decides to not tell her at all.

  
(would haseul care at all? is another question that she refuses to give voice to.)

  
but there’s absolutely no way she can have a crush on haseul.

  
right?

  
maybe it’s just because haseul’s one my only friends? sooyoung tries to rationalize the idea of having a crush away and settles on that. she’s just annoyed that she won’t be able to spend more time with her friend.

  
(she literally made out with her ex an hour ago, enjoyed it, and doesn't even regret it. why are feelings so confusing? see, this is why she wallows so much, anything else just perplexes her.)

  
she doesn’t have a crush.

  
she doesn’t!

  
it’s not like haseul would ever even notice anyway. someone as beautiful as haseul would never give sooyoung the time of day, even if she threw herself at them.

  
(and she’s not that desperate. sooyoung likes to think she has _some _dignity, thank you very much.)

  
even the concept of getting into another relationship makes her freeze, fear chilling her bones. she’d already given her complete self to another person and that hadn’t ended well. what would happen if haseul really did like her back? would sooyoung be able to do that again? what if that didn’t end well either?

  
she grasps her coffee cup in her hand, willing the thoughts away before haseul asks her why she’s acting so weirdly. it’s all only a hypothesis anyway. she needs to focus on getting over jiwoo properly and figuring out how to fix her mess of a life instead of worrying over something that will never happen at all.

  
sooyoung glances over at her and feels her face redden with embarrassment as she sees haseul looking at her, confused and clearly waiting for a response to what she had said.

  
“uh,” sooyoung clears her throat, shifting in her seat, “did you invite her? or is she just showing up?”

  
“i invited her,” haseul admits with a nod of her head.

  
“okay then,” sooyoung says, her brows furrowing, “i don’t really know what you want me to say here to be honest.”

  
haseul runs a hand through her and sooyoung’s eyes latch onto the movement. _of course haseul even has nice hands_, she grumbles to herself, annoyed that she finds it attractive.

  
“i don’t know—i just—,” haseul stumbles over her words, as if she didn’t even know what she wanted sooyoung to say either, “do you think it’s a good idea?”

  
“fuck no,” sooyoung responds immediately and only feels a little bit bad about it.

  
irritation flashes in haseul’s eyes before settling into an uncomfortable acceptance. it’s safe to say she knows now that sooyoung doesn’t like her ex.

  
"listen,” sooyoung begins, reaching over to hold haseul’s hand in her own.

  
(suck it! she cheers internally. if she actually had a crush on haseul there would be no chance of her being that brave without sweating bullets.)

  
“you told me this girl broke up with you because she didn’t think you were worth it,” sooyoung pauses to take a drink from her cup, “and i don’t want you to get hurt if she only comes here to sleep with you and then just disappears from your life again. you don’t deserve that.”

  
“you don’t even know her,” haseul mumbles as she rubs her thumb against sooyoung’s.

  
“no, i don’t,” sooyoung agrees with a nod of her head, “i can’t say i’m not biased because you’re my friend. it’s just something to keep in mind, okay?”

  
haseul is silent for some time and sooyoung considers telling her about her interaction with jiwoo, just to try and draw a comparison between the two. nodding her head a bit, sooyoung gives haseul’s hand a light squeeze.

  
“i was with jiwoo before i came here,” sooyoung tells her and haseul jolts a little in her seat, her attention returning to sooyoung, “it wasn’t, like, an intentional meeting or anything like that, or i don’t think it was, but we kissed.”

  
haseul’s brows draw down, anger flaring in her eyes and sooyoung rushes to soothe the other girl, stroking a thumb over her hand.

  
“and i know i sound like a total hypocrite,” sooyoung admits and watches as the tension drains from haseul’s tiny body. she really is small, sooyoung muses to herself, “we both knew it was wrong, but i think it settled something for the both of us. we haven’t forgiven each other or become friends or anything like that, but we’re in a better place now, i hope.”

  
“sooyoung, what point are you trying to make?” haseul sighs, looking down at the table.

  
“sorry,” sooyoung continues, “just, from what you’ve told me about her, i don’t think it’ll be the same for you two. i could be wrong, but still, it’s something to think about.”

  
“but hey,” she jokes to ease the serious atmosphere, “if i’m wrong you can laugh at me if you want. i might even let you hold it over my head for a while.”

  
“how long is a while?” haseul brightens, a pretty smile gracing her face.

  
“a week,” sooyoung holds up her unoccupied hand, index finger pointed upwards. at haseul’s unimpressed look she sends the other girl a lopsided grin, one that jiwoo had called charming once upon a time, “two?”

  
“a month,” haseul demands, taking off her glasses to rub at one of her eyes.

  
“fine,” sooyoung draws out, as if she wouldn’t let haseul hold it over her head for however long she wanted.

  
she looks outside and notices how dark it’s gotten. she really should get home soon before hyejoo starts sending her messages asking her where she is. sooyoung hadn’t told her she’d be meeting up with anybody after work and so knows her little sister would start to worry after a while.

  
sighing, she looks back at haseul to find the other girl looking at her intently, an unreadable smile on her lips. sooyoung raises an eyebrow at the girl but haseul just shakes her head, chuckling, leaving sooyoung confused. there’s nothing weird on her face, right?

  
“do you want me to walk you home?” sooyoung offers before downing the rest of her coffee. she checks her phone after she sets her cup down. it’s early enough that hyejoo has only sent one text asking where she is and not twenty.

  
feeling haseul’s gaze on her, sooyoung glances up from her phone. there’s a fond look in the short haired girl’s eyes that makes heat travel across her face again.

  
(does she look weird when she blushes when her face looks like a disaster?)

  
“sure,” haseul agrees, “you can be my knight in shining armor for tonight,”

  
it’s said to make sooyoung cringe and haseul laughs when sooyoung does just that.

  
“you’re insufferable,” sooyoung insults her much to haseul’s amusement.

  
“thanks,” haseul breathe-laughs, twisting her coffee cup around in circles from where it sits in front of her. she slips her glasses back on again after letting her hand drop away.

  
the hand holding haseul’s begins to fidget with the other girl’s fingers in anticipation and haseul rolls her eyes in fond exasperation. the shorter girl drinks that last of her coffee before getting up to pick up her bag, dropping sooyooung’s hand in the process.

  
sooyoung frowns minutely at the lack of contact and then picks up the packet full of work for school and shoves it into her backpack. haseul waits patiently by the table. standing up, sooyoung gives the girl her cheesiest smile as she offers her arm, laughing when haseul rolls her eyes with a big sigh and slides her arm around hers.

  
“you said knight in shining armor,” sooyoung teases her.

  
“i didn’t expect you to try and take it literally,” haseul fires back as sooyoung opens the front door, letting haseul exit first.

  
“well, i live to serve,” she replies, her other hand gripping the strap of her backpack tightly. she’s starting to get nervous now.

  
“you know, when i first met you, i didn’t think you’d be this annoying,” the short haired girl tells her bluntly. sooyoung lets out a faux offended noise.

  
they continue to trade jokes and talk about their day as they make their way and before they both know it, they’re standing outside haseul’s house. sooyoung can hear the dog barking from inside the house, the low light of the tv peeking through the curtains.

  
sooyoung rocks back and forth on her feet, haseul’s arm slipping out of her own as the other girl comes to stand in front of her, that strange little smile on her face again.

  
“i’ll see you tomorrow?” sooyoung asks, she still needed to study, and so did haseul if her grade in chemistry tells her anything.

  
“sure,” haseul agrees with a short nod.

  
she turns to make her way into the house before stopping all of a sudden. the shorter girl whirls around to face sooyoung again, placing her handbag on the floor and wrapping her arms around sooyoung’s shoulders in a warm hug.

  
sooyoung bends down a bit to make the hug easier on haseul. slowly but surely, she wraps her arms around the other girl’s waist.

  
“i know i just spent the last twenty minutes making fun of you,” haseul begins, “but thanks for tonight, really.”

  
“any time,” sooyoung says before pressing her face down against haseul’s shoulder, pulling her closer. she feels the other girl’s ribs expand as she lets out another sigh. haseul’s hand rubs at the back of sooyoung’s neck and her arms tighten around her shoulders.

  
sooyoung clears her throat as haseul steps away, her own hand coming up to rub at the back of her neck as an embarrassed smile blooms on her face. haseul bends down to pick up her bag and gives her one last bashful smile before heading into her house.

  
sooyoung watches her as she leaves, eyes glued to her retreating form and she only moves when haseul gives her one last wave as she closes her front door. she shakes her head, shoving her hands into her pockets as she turns back the way she came.

  
she probably should’ve told haseul she lives on the complete other side of town but kept it to herself because she knows the other girl would only get annoyed at the idea of inconveniencing her.

✱✱✱

  
she comes home later feeling better than she has in a while, the time spent with haseul rejuvenating her. she shakes off her green jacket, hanging it on the hook. she nudges off her shoes as well, hopping awkwardly to get them off entirely.

  
sooyoung peeks around the corner into the living room and doesn’t spot any of her sisters. it fills her with a sense of relief, the thought that she won’t have to argue with yerim or hyunjin easing her mind.

  
(the cat is laying on the couch, fast asleep, tongue hanging out of his mouth just a tad.)

  
she jogs over to the kitchen and grabs a glass of water and heads up to her bedroom, stopping to grab the backpack that she’d thrown on the floor. she really needs to go study because she kind of wants to keep up in class despite not being able to go.

  
as she’s walking down to her room, she notices hyejoo’s door has been left open. soft voices come from the room and sooyoung stops just before the door, peeking inside to see who’s there. hyejoo doesn’t usually have people over so she’s hoping it’s just chaewon.

  
she spots hyejoo lying on her bed, her back pressed to the front of a familiar blonde as they sit against the headboard. sooyoung lets out a quiet sigh, a small grin forming on her face. chaewon is watching and occasionally pointing over hyejoo’s shoulder as the taller girl plays some game on her nintendo switch.

  
the sight of them fills sooyoung with comfort. obviously what ever that they had talked about in the past week or so has been good. chaewon taps on hyejoo’s shoulder to get her attention, the taller girl turning her head to look at her, eyebrows slanted upwards.

  
(sooyoung thinks that if that one pleading face emoji was real it would look like hyejoo.)

  
sooyoung ducks her head, looking away as chaewon presses a kiss to hyejoo’s cheek.

  
it had went very well then.

  
sooyoung manages to sneak by the pair unseen and closes the door to own room as quietly as she can.

  
as much as it’s cute to see her sister happy, it was gross to see her acting all sappy with another person like that.

  
taking a sip of her water, she then leaves it on her desk, moving to pull the white box from under her bed. sooyoung opens the box and takes it one of the dog-eared photos.

  
it’s a picture of the four them when they were kids, lifting hyunjin up in the air after she’d won one of her soccer games, bright grins on their faces, a missing tooth here and there.

  
sooyoung runs her thumb over her sister’s faces, glances at the bills piled up on her desk and decides that she’s going to continue doing anything she can to keep them afloat.

  
determination begins to thrum in her veins again. thinking back on what haseul, jungeun and hyejoo have told her, sooyoung knows she can get through this, she’ll will it into existence herself if she has to.

  
her phone buzzes in her pocket and whatever self-confidence that she had started to feel fades away in an instant, turning into dread as she reads the text message from her mother. there’s nothing damning about the message, it’s a simple “_we’ll be home in two months,_” but it makes sooyoung feel sick to her stomach.

  
because there’s no way she can let them, her mother specifically, know that she’s been struggling to keep up with the finances. sooyoung knows what that conversation will entail and it’s not going to be good.

  
(sooyoung may know that she should be asking for help and that it’ll only help her in the end, but that doesn’t mean she can’t hate asking for it.)

  
right now, though, she needs to figure out how she's going to break the news to her sisters that their parents are coming back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we love emotional turmoil!
> 
> honestly, i didn't even really ruin sooyoung's life that much i think, i just love the drama of it all. some thing's were kept vague bc i just don't have enough knowledge abt it tbh. i'll probably re-edit this soon as well.
> 
> also i'm never writing more than 10k for one chapter ever again because this murdered my brain.
> 
> twt: redyrm  
cc: 4d8


	7. seven.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> she tries not to think about the revelation about their parentage. sooyoung is her sister.
> 
> _sooyoung is her sister._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> nothing much really happens in this one? it's more of pov change sort of chapter so you guys can see what's going on in the triplet's heads.
> 
> also, i did some tag refinement so this doesn't come off as misleading bc at the end of the day this is an yves centric fic and i don't want to give y'all false hope for content. it's quite short compared to the last chap lmfao and it happens roughly around the same day.

  
the text message haunts her thoughts for the next few days. sooyoung still doesn’t know how she’s going to tell the girls that their parents will be home soon.

  
she feels stuck. on one hand, sooyoung knows that having them back will make her life easier and that she genuinely misses her father, on the other. she’s filled with a sense of dread at even the thought of seeing them, she can’t stand the thought of their mother looking down her nose at her for however long they decide to stay.

  
because god knows it won’t be for long.

  
sooyoung hopes that school hadn’t contacted them about her suspension. she doesn’t think she can take getting yelled at by them the minute they set foot in the door.

  
well, at least she’ll be back in school for a while by the time they get here, and her face won’t look like someone has attacked her with a meat tenderizer.

  
she stops just in front of the living room; she really should be getting ready for work, but she doubts seongmin would be too angry if she was a little bit late.

  
yerim and hyunjin sit in front of the tv quietly talking about whatever it is they’re watching. sooyoung almost can’t believe that she used to think that yerim was the hardest to read, it feels like a lifetime ago now.

  
now, sooyoung feels like she can’t read any of them. her perceptions of them staying in the forefront of her mind, preventing her from seeing deeper. then again, people are always changing, lives in constant flux, so maybe she'll get there one day.

  
shaking her head, sooyoung grabs her coat and tries not to slam the door on the way out. her parents take precedence over her sisters right now.

  
she really needs to figure out how to tell them about the fucking text message.

✱✱✱

  
hyunjin barely gives sooyoung a glance as the other girl leaves the house for work. they’d arrived at some sort of impasse, neither of them outright attacking each other. though, that really just means that they aren’t talking to each other at all.

  
(there’s a part of her, deep down, that’s afraid to even approach sooyoung after that last fight. hyunjin doesn’t want to see sooyoung like that, tears streaking down her face, an obvious desperation in her eyes.)

  
hyunjin’s almost happy that she and sooyoung don’t interact. despite how she’d like to move forward and try to mend bridges, with the state the both of them are in... it just feels impossible.

  
hyunjin just knows she doesn’t want to make the first step to attempt to repair their relationship. with the way sooyoung acted the last time she tried to talk to her, she thinks sooyoung should be the one to try first.

  
if sooyoung's even capable of any sort of compassion for her right now, that is.

  
yerim sighs from where she’s sitting beside her before she gets up and goes into the kitchen. no doubt that she heard sooyoung leaving as well.

  
hyunjin wonders how yerim feels about their parents and sooyoung. she wants to know if yerim’s feelings are as simple as hers.

  
their parents fucked off and left sooyoung in charge and as far as hyunjin saw it, that made sooyoung an easy target for hyunjin’s frustration. if she can’t direct her anger at her parents then sooyoung was the next best thing.

  
it’s a fine line, hyunjin muses, wanting the relationship that hyejoo has with sooyoung and wanting nothing to do with her at all.

  
right now, hyunjin doesn’t care that it’s unfair to sooyoung, doesn’t care that sooyoung is doing all she can. all hyunjin can see from her side is someone who can’t do anything. not in the ways that matter.

  
(she’s sixteen, she’s allowed to act like a complete moron for a little while longer.)

  
hyunjin thinks that fighting with sooyoung constantly is better than sooyoung abandoning her like them. better to hate each other than not be there at all.

  
she tries not to think about the revelation about their parentage. sooyoung is her sister.

  
_sooyoung is her sister._

  
sometimes hyunjin gets caught up thinking about what would happen if sooyoung ever abandoned them. it makes her nauseous, her stomach churning uncomfortably, bile rising in her throat. _sooyoung won’t abandon us_, she chants to herself.

  
if sooyoung abandoned them that would mean that hyunjin would have to look after hyejoo and yerim, and she knows in her heart that she would be terrible at it. with her temper hyunjin would be worse than sooyoung could ever dream of being.

  
hyunjin needs to be hard on sooyoung, needs to keep her there, keep her on her toes so she can keep taking care of them.

  
(she hopes she hasn’t pushed too far.)

  
hyunjin’s already been left behind by heejin and her parents, she can’t have her sisters doing the same.

  
hyunjin doesn’t really blame heejin for going. her girlfriend had been dealing with her own issues with her family and hyunjin can’t fault her for not wanting to add hyunjin’s family issues on top of that. hyunjin knows that heejin deserves her own time to process and move on from what’s happened and if time and space is all hyunjin can give her, then that’s what she’ll do.

  
she is capable of making rational decisions sometimes. unless it comes down to her sisters and what heejin has deemed as hyunjin’s ‘anger issues.’ which hyunjin doesn’t fully understand because sooyoung can be just as bad as her when she wants to be.

  
hyunjin refuses to acknowledge that it’s something that they have in common and could possibly help each other overcome. she wants to deal with her own issues by herself, not become a hot mess like sooyoung.

  
(though in doing so, it’s probably going to happen anyway.)

  
again, there’s the whole ‘sooyoung-is-actually-only-their-half-sister’ thing. hyunjin doesn’t want to touch that with a ten foot pole.

  
_sooyoung is her sister._

  
hyunjin fiddles with her phone, considering if she should call heejin for advice or not. she knows the other girl would answer, they haven’t dropped all communication after breaking up. both of them know it’s too hard going for too long without talking to each other after spending all their lives growing up together.

  
hyunjin sighs and decides against it. heejin has enough of her own problems right now and hyunjin can’t even think about adding to that.

  
standing, she runs upstairs to grab her soccer kit before heading out to the park near their house. she needs to get rid of her angry energy somehow and it’s probably better doing that through sport than sitting there in the house wallowing and making herself feel worse.

✱✱✱

  
sooyoung takes her time as she walks through the park, her hands shoved into the pockets of her green bomber jacket. it’s one of the nicer evenings, the cold isn’t as biting as it usually is during this time of the year. the sun has nearly finished setting, the sky a dull blue color.

  
seongmin had given her the day off after she showed up late, to stop her from burning out completely he said. she’s thankful to him for that. sooyoung knows that he’s in desperate need for extra hands, but he’s managed to make some time for her to relax and decompress.

  
he’s told her that he wants her to take care of herself, that he knows she’s been spread thin with school and her family.

  
sooyoung is just happy that seongmin is her boss and not anybody else.

  
sooyoung is glancing down at her phone to check the time when she feels someone bump into her from her right. stumbling slightly, she shoves her phone back in her pocket as she looks to see who had jostled her.

  
“oh, hi!” haseul looks as about as surprised as sooyoung, both of them not expecting to run into each other at all today.

  
they had another study session pretty soon, though. it was something that sooyoung was looking forward to.

  
from the looks of it haseul is waiting for somebody outside of the cafe she’d just left.

  
“hey,” sooyoung gives her an unsure grin, “you waiting on somebody?”

  
haseul shifts in place nervously, as if she doesn’t really want to tell sooyoung who it is, her hand coming up to tug on the ends of her hair slightly. the way haseul’s eyes dart back and forth from the cafe to sooyoung lets her know that it’s probably the ex.

  
(or is she haseul’s girlfriend again? sooyoung doesn’t even want to entertain the thought.)

  
so much for a "few days."

  
“ah,” sooyoung lets out, saving haseul from admitting the obvious, “everything going okay?”

  
it’s a genuine question. sooyoung wants to know if haseul’s ex-girlfriend hasn’t upset her in any way, wants to know if there’s anything that she herself should be worried about.

  
mostly, she just wants to ask haseul about her day. she’d be happy to waste hours listening to haseul talk about things that sooyoung has no understanding of at all again.

  
“i mean,” haseul starts, unsure. sooyoung thinks haseul looks like she _wants_ everything to be alright, “it’s okay, i guess?”

  
“wow,” sooyoung pokes haseul’s stomach, playfully, “way to sound sure of yourself.”

  
haseul gives a breathy laugh, hand dropping down to bat sooyoung’s hand away as she rolls her eyes,

  
“i don’t know,” haseul says, shaking her head, her eyes darting back into the cafe, “it’s just... it’s different. that’s all i’ll say.”

  
“hey, it’s cool if you don’t want to tell me,” sooyoung says, shrugging her shoulders. it isn’t. sooyoung is desperate to know what’s going on between them. wants to know if they’ve gotten back together.

  
most of all, she just wants to know if haseul is okay and if her ex-girlfriend hasn’t upset her.

  
sooyoung shifts in place as haseul looks at her, brows drawn low. she scratches at the back of her neck, nervous from the attention.

  
“some other time, okay?” haseul finally rips her gaze away from sooyoung, looking back inside the cafe as her ex-girlfriend collects her drink at the counter. sooyoung lets out a breath and relaxes, “i want to see how it plays out before i judge.”

  
sooyoung steps back, hands shoved back in her pockets, clenched.

  
“sure,” she shrugs, attempting to seem blasé and failing. haseul laughs at her.

  
sooyoung doesn’t say goodbye, just gives haseul a nod and makes her way back home.

  
is it terrible of her to wish their date goes badly?

✱✱✱

  
she ignores sooyoung when she comes back into the house later that day, keeping their cold war going. yerim knows it’s immature, but she doesn’t know how to make things better.

  
yerim just wishes her sister would stop treating her like a child that needed to be scolded every other week. yes, she knows that sooyoung is struggling, but yerim thinks that sooyoung could be a bit more considerate of her feelings.

  
then again, yerim wonders if that’s something that sooyoung will ever be willing to give her now after yerim hit her.

  
god, the more she thinks about the slap, how the sound resonated— still resonates — in her mind, the blood that had ran from sooyoung’s nose and the look of tired resigned defeat on her face, the worse she feels.

  
why did she ever think that was a smart thing to do?

  
now sooyoung will barely look her way and yerim doesn’t know how to deal with it. sooyoung had always been there, yerim may not have wanted her to be sometimes, but her protective presence gave her some peace of mind.

  
and now yerim may have thrown it all away for someone who couldn’t even tell her the truth to her face.

  
(yerim is terrified of finding out what minhee did to make sooyoung break her leg.)

  
the fact that sooyoung is clearly struggling also makes her feel like shit. yerim can’t remember the last time she had seen her older sister look so upset, hadn’t seen her cry in what feels like forever.

  
(then again, that could be because sooyoung likes to work herself to death.)

  
the bomb sooyoung dropped about their parents hasn't helped yerim either, but she knows that she needs to get her other feelings sorted out before she can touch on that.

  
there’s no way that yerim can even try to pretend that things are okay anymore. in fact, they only seem to be getting worse and there’s nothing she can do to stop it.

✱✱✱

  
hyejoo still can’t wrap her head around why her sisters are so cruel to sooyoung. okay, with yerim that really isn’t the issue, but hyejoo just doesn’t understand why they aren’t more receptive to the fact that sooyoung is _trying_.

  
she may not be very good at it sometimes, hyejoo can acknowledge that, especially considering the way the other girl had blown up at hyunjin last week, but even then, sooyoung is only eighteen, she’s bound to make mistakes.

  
why can’t they just accept that?

  
sooyoung has been nothing but helpful with hyejoo and her issues with chaewon. in fact, that talk they had had even healed a rift that neither was really aware of. hyejoo feels closer to her older sister than she has in a long time because of it.

  
_maybe hyunjin and yerim just need to sit down and talk with her,_ hyejoo muses as she sets up her computer.

  
hyejoo doesn’t want the cold atmosphere in the house to linger any longer, she just wants things between them to be resolved, but that seems like it’ll take forever to happen.

  
she looks up when she hears a soft knock on her door, sooyoung peaking her head into her bedroom.

  
“yeah?” hyejoo asks, confused. her sister looks nervous and sick at the same time, “are you alright?”

  
sooyoung steps into her room and sits on her bed, gazing at the pictures of hyejoo and chaewon on the wall, not saying anything. hyejoo gives her sister some space, knows that sometimes sooyoung needs to think things through before she says them.

  
sometimes she just blurts it out without thinking and that never ends well.

  
“i need you to talk to the others,” sooyoung says, leaning back on her palms and glaring at the ceiling now, “god, how do i even say this?”

  
“sooyoungie?” hyejoo asks, this just gets more confusing the longer sooyoung sits there.

  
“okay,” her sister talks to herself before turning to look at hyejoo, eyes hard. it’s a look hyejoo hasn’t seen in a while, which means it’s probably something to do with their parents.

  
(yes, hyejoo refuses to think about the half-sister thing as well, thank you very much.)

  
“mom and dad are gonna be back in two months,” sooyoung tells her and feels like a punch to the gut.

  
hyejoo doesn’t want them here, can’t bear the sight of them. if hyejoo had any real hateful feelings in her body, they were all directed towards them. for what they’ve done to their children.

  
and hyejoo knows that they’ll come back and act as if they’ve done nothing wrong at all, knows that they’ll waste whatever time they have here berating sooyoung for not being good enough.

  
her mother is worse.

  
(sooyoung doesn’t know that hyejoo is aware of how their mother would yell at her, sometimes even hit her, over the smallest things.)

  
“hyejoo,” sooyoung’s voice snaps her out of her daze, “i need you to tell the girls, okay? i’m sorry to put this on you, i know i should be doing it, but i just don’t know how.”

  
hyejoo moves to sit beside her. sooyoung sits up properly before resting her head on hyejoo’s shoulder.

  
“i’m sorry,” hyejoo thinks she sorry for more than just their parents, too much sadness in her voice for the apology to simply be about them.

  
“it’s okay,” hyejoo wraps her arm around sooyoung’s shoulder, rubbing her arm comfortingly.

  
all hyejoo knows is that things are going to keep getting worse before they get better and if all she can do is help keep sooyoung grounded, then that’s what she’ll do.

✱✱✱

  
“jungeun, you know i don’t have a car,” sooyoung says as she shoves her phone between her shoulder and her face. she places the newly clean glass into the drying rack.

  
none of the triplets had washed the dishes while she was supposed to be at work during the day, all of them too preoccupied with their own stuff. sooyoung doesn’t want to think that they deliberately left them for her to do, even though that’s probably what happened.

  
though, she could’ve just asked hyejoo to do them when they were talking earlier.

  
“then just come and sit with me!” jungeun slurs out on the other end of the phone. her friend had obviously went and got smashed which strikes sooyoung as odd considering jungeun doesn’t even like alcohol, “just wait with me till i can get a cab.”

  
“did you go out alone?” sooyoung asks, bewildered. something’s definitely wrong.

  
sooyoung drains the sink and dries her hands on the towel sitting to her left before taking her phone again, stretching her neck out of the uncomfortable position.

  
“no,” god, how did jungeun ever manage to lie to her for months about being with jiwoo when she’s this bad of a liar.

  
(or, okay, maybe sooyoung was just blind and deaf when all of that went down.)

  
“jungeunie,” sooyoung reprimands, her voice low.

  
“okay, i did! but i’m _fine_,” jungeun mumbles, a hint of a whine in her tone, “i swear!”

  
“sure,” sooyoung scoffs, unconvinced.

  
“if you don’t think i’m okay, then come and wait with me!” jungeun is borderline begging now and sooyoung starts to feel bad for making her friend wait.

  
sighing, sooyoung draws one of the kitchen curtains back. it really is dark outside, and she knows she would only feel guilty if she left jungeun alone and something bad happened.

  
“fine,” sooyoung gives in. jungeun gives a little drunken cheer, “just, wait outside okay? and don’t drink anything else.”

  
it takes her maybe half an hour to actually reach the place that jungeun told her over the phone and sooyoung has no clue why her friend would even think of coming to a shit hole like this.

  
"sooyoungie!” jungeun greet her loudly, throwing her arms around sooyoung’s shoulders in a rough hug. sooyoung lets out a grunt at the impact of jungeun slamming into her.

  
“hi, jungeunie,” she humors the girl, wrapping her arms around the other girl’s waist in a short hug.

  
stepping out of her hold, sooyoung pulls jungeun outside the house, shoving her way through the throng of people. she hasn’t even been here five minutes and the music is already giving her a headache.

  
“you’re really great, y’know?” jungeun mumbles wrapping herself around sooyoung, resting her head on sooyoung’s shoulder, the pair of them sit on the low wall in front whoever’s house this party was at. sooyoung pats at the arm that’s wrapped around her front comfortingly, not really listening to what jungeun is saying as she looks out for the cab that jungeun had called.

  
“before i had feelings for jiwoo i had a crush on you.”

  
the words make sooyoung freeze, the hand on jungeun’s arm gripping it slightly. she doesn’t know whether to take the confession seriously or not because her friend isn’t really in her right mind.

  
“i know!” jungeun says, taking sooyoung’s silence for shock, “i’m pretty sure people think i just always had feelings for jiwoo, but nope!”

  
_please stop talking,_ sooyoung begs internally, she doesn’t want to hear this, especially when she knows that jungeun will regret admitting it when she’s sober.

  
“i had a crush on you before you two got together,” jungeun blabbers on, holding sooyoung tighter. sooyoung says nothing, eyes darting to and from jungeun, “you were so pretty in freshman year. not that you aren’t now! now, i think you’re sexy. oh! also i love your smile, you have the best smile ever.”

  
god, sooyoung is going to die from embarrassment any time now.

  
“jungeun,” sooyoung starts, interrupting her friend who turns to looks at her, eyes wide, “why are you out drinking on your own?”

  
jungeun blinks slowly and sooyoung waits for the question to reach the other girl’s ears.

  
“oh,” the smaller girl mutters and now it’s sooyoung’s turn to look at her, meeting her gaze, “i talked with jiwoo. it went badly.”

  
well, at least jiwoo actually did what sooyoung suggested. their kiss still lingers in her mind.

  
“you know what she told me?” jungeun asks, her voice tinged with sadness. sooyoung raises her eyebrows slightly, “that she never had any feelings for me at all. she just wanted a distraction from how shitty your relationship was.”

  
“i’m sorry,” sooyoung apologizes immediately. if she had kept an eye on her girlfriend and tried hard to keep them together then jungeun would never have had to feel like this.

  
“and then— and then she said she wished she’d never kissed me,” jungeun lets out a hiccup, ripping her eyes away from sooyoung’s, looking out at the road in front of them, “that she wished she never cheated on you and that you guys were still together.”

  
“and i can’t fault her for that, can i?” jungeun continues, her voice becoming clearer with every word, “because i used to have feelings for you, i know what it’s like.”

  
sooyoung has no clue how anybody could ever have had feelings for her. she’s always been a wreck. it’s especially true with this. her and jungeun had always gotten along since they were little, and this had never even crossed her mind.

  
maybe jungeun is a good liar.

  
“jiwoo told me you’d had feelings for her for years,” sooyoung informs her friend, scratching her cheek.

  
“hardly, it was more like a year and half, before everything happened,” jungeun admits, blinking slowly, “i had a crush on you since the start of middle school.”

  
it’s almost as if jungeun is trying to convince herself that the feelings she had for sooyoung were more important than the feelings she has for jiwoo. as if jungeun hasn’t gone out and gotten wasted over the other girl.

  
she’s literally out doing what sooyoung did after she and jiwoo broke up.

  
sooyoung feels the other girl shift away, her arms loosening around her body, face turned towards the taller girl.

  
“kiss me?” jungeun asks, making sooyoung’s eyes widen in shock.

  
“uh,” sooyoung starts, “i don’t think that’s a good idea, jungeunie.”

  
it really isn’t. they both still have feelings for the same girl and those feelings are still tearing them both up inside.

  
(and there’s also the haseul factor, but sooyoung gladly ignores that.)

  
“just once,” jungeun continues, “and then we can forget about it.”

  
sooyoung sighs and then goes quiet. maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to give in just once? it’s not like jungeun isn’t pretty and she won’t lie and say she hasn’t ever thought of her like that because she has. her gaze flickers to jungeun’s lips briefly before glancing away quickly.

  
god, she really shouldn’t be thinking about doing this.

  
her possible feelings for haseul push to the forefront of her mind again. she doesn’t want to have feelings for the other girl, not when she could be out having the time of life with her ex girlfriend right now whilst sooyoung sits here.

  
her mind races with thoughts of haseul. what would she say if she knew what jungeun asked of sooyoung? would she be upset, disappointed? would she care at all? or would she be too busy with someone else to even think about sooyoung?

  
the fact that she’s seemingly accepted that she does have feelings for the other girl scares her. the realness of them makes her want to run away.

  
so she does.

  
“okay,” sooyoung agrees and jungeun’s eyes light up.

  
sooyoung presses her hand against jungeun’s cheek, thumb stroking over her soft skin. jungeun moves her hands to grip at her shoulders.

  
jungeun’s gaze is locked on her lips making sooyoung dart her tongue out to wet them. is it weird that she’s nervous?

  
sooyoung leans forward slowly, resting her forehead against jungeun’s. the shorter girl’s eyes come up to meet her and sooyoung feels jungeun nod against her, letting her know that it’s okay.

  
sooyoung presses forward then, her lips meeting jungeun’s softly. the other girl lets out a soft groan at the contact. all sooyoung can think is that it’s different. it feels different, she thought she’d feel wrong doing this, but she doesn’t.

  
jungeun leans into the kiss, hands clenching and unclenching around her shoulders. sooyoung leans her head to the right, deepening the kiss. jungeun kisses her back eagerly and sooyoung almost finds it endearing how responsive the other girl is.

  
one of jungeun’s hands comes to rest on the bruised area on her face, stroking there with the utmost care, trying not to hurt sooyoung. it’s the opposite of how jiwoo had pressed down there when they had gotten lost in their kiss. sooyoung moves away from jungeun to catch her breath before diving right back in, deepening the kiss. jungeun moves to suck on sooyoung’s bottom lip, making her groan.

  
this is quickly spiraling into something neither of them knows how to control.

  
the sound of music coming from the house behind them makes sooyoung’s blood thrum. she flicks her tongue against jungeun’s lips, and the other girl opens up for her with a low groan. the kiss doesn’t make her feel like drowning, the way it would have with jiwoo, in fact sooyoung almost feels like she’s floating, her skin hot, palms sweating where they’re pressed against jungeun.

  
she can feel her head start to spin as jungeun sucks on her tongue. that really is one of her major weaknesses.

  
jungeun sighs into her mouth before pulling back to catch her breath. sooyoung presses forward, her hand coming down to rest on jungeun’s exposed thigh, stroking across soft skin.

  
(why did she have to wear shorts?)

  
sooyoung moves to press slow, languid kisses against jungeun’s jawline and up towards her ear. the other girl lets out a low groan when sooyoung sucks on her earlobe, sensitive to the attention being given there. sooyoung chuckles at the full body shudder jungeun gives her when she continues to kiss jungeun’s bright red ear.

  
jungeun begins to lean her body back, hand leaving sooyoung’s face to prop herself up and sooyoung follows the movement, chasing her as she moves away. sooyoung moves away from jungeun’s ear, much to the other girl’s displeasure, if the needy moan that escapes her friend’s lips is any indication.

  
she tips jungeun’s head up to get access to the other girl’s throat, biting down just enough to leave a mark. sooyoung gets a thrill from the way jungeun’s body shudders in her arms, the hand that was still on her shoulder coming up to bury itself in sooyoung’s hair, tugging lightly. letting go, sooyoung peppers kisses over the abused skin.

  
_that’ll definitely leave a mark,_ she muses and lets out a low laugh when jungeun crashes their mouths back together, nipping at her lips.

  
(there’s a sick part of her that wants jiwoo to know that she’s had jungeun, too.)

  
they kiss and kiss and kiss, falling deeper into each other until there’s a honk of car horn that makes them separate. jungeun glances away from sooyoung, to the road before them, before turning back to look deep into sooyoung’s eyes. the taxi has pulled up just ahead of them and sooyoung can see the silent question in jungeun’s eyes, asking her to come back to her place with her.

  
(it’s not a smart idea at all and sooyoung knows it. she doesn’t care.)

  
sooyoung gets in the cab with jungeun, attaching their mouths back together after jungeun tells the driver where to go. she pulls jungeun into her lap, hands tugging the shorter girl’s shirt out of her shorts, pushing them under her shirt to run her hands across jungeun’s back. the other girl moans, separating their mouths again to look at sooyoung.

  
“this is okay, right?” jungeun’s voice is raspy and sooyoung’s gaze is drawn to her bruised mouth. god, the state jungeun was in just made her want the other girl more, she’d always liked the effect she could have on another person, “sooyoungie?”

  
“it’s okay,” sooyoung assures the brunette, thumb stroking over the red mark she’d left on her neck, “more than, even, but if you don’t want to keep going, that’s okay, too.”

  
sooyoung understands that this might be scary. as far as she knows, jungeun has never been with another person like this before. if she were to feel guilty about anything tonight, it would be the fact that they’re doing this when jungeun is still a bit drunk.

  
“i want to,” jungeun kisses her cheek and then presses her face against hers. she grinds down against sooyoung slowly and sooyoung’s hands grip at her hips, “i want to.”

  
“okay,” sooyoung sighs, relieved.

  
she draws jungeun into another lazy kiss, thumbs rubbing circles against jungeun’s hips to calm the other girl down. it seems to have the opposite effect as jungeun whines into her mouth.

  
there’s no time for them to go any further in the car as they reach jungeun’s house in no time, stumbling out of the taxi, their clothes rumpled. they take time to catch their breaths as the reach the shorter girl’s house. sooyoung knows there’s no going back from this, but her desire to run away, run into jungeun’s capable hands is greater than her desire to sit back and think.

  
she lets jungeun pull her into her house, jungeun pressing desperate kisses along her jawline and down her neck. sooyoung closes the door behind them. she shifts her face around to meet jungeun’s lips again, arms wrapping around the shorter girl’s waist as she leads them up the stairs.

  
she doesn’t care if she regrets this in the morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me: nothing happens!  
also me: literally makes lipves fuck the sadness away.
> 
> nah, both of them a clearly running away from things they don't know how to handle and have found some sort of comfort in each other. will that last? who knows!
> 
> anyways! hopefully this gives y'all some sort of idea of how the triplets are Thinking and Feeling. it's gonna take a while for the next update bc my shifts are fucked for the next two weeks but that means i'll try and make the next one a lot longer as well!
> 
> twt: [redyrm](https://twitter.com/redyrm)  
cc: [4d8](https://curiouscat.me/4d8)


	8. eight (part one).

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> things are going to be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> girl all i have to say is that the work/life balance is a myth when you work flex shifts.
> 
> but hey, here's part one of this monstrosity of a chapter! split in two for length and because it's been like four months since i posted. btw this is mostly the calm before the storm for some things.

  
sooyoung wakes up the next morning, aching in places she forgot she could ache. she's just thankful that they had the sense to put clothes back on before going to sleep and she hasn't woken up cold as balls. it seems like jungeun is awake as well as sooyoung can feel her friend’s gaze on the side of her face.

  
“do you regret it?” jungeun asks, timidly, as if she’s afraid of the answer sooyoung might give her.

  
“no,” sooyoung says openly, and finds that she truly means it. she doesn’t even feel guilty about it until she remembers that it very well could’ve been jungeun’s first time. and that the other girl was drunk when it happened.

  
“you and her never...,” the question is left open ended. sooyoung doesn’t need to say who she’s talking about. jungeun shakes her head and sooyoung’s eyes widen before she groans and runs a hand across her face, mortified.

  
“oh christ, i’m sorry,” she says, staring up at the ceiling as she avoids jungeun’s gaze, hand flopping back down onto the bed. sooyoung, of all people, shouldn’t be anybody’s first time. at least, not with how she is right now.

  
(not to mention the current state of her face. sooyoung could never find herself sexy with a bunch of bruises marring her face.)

  
“it’s okay,” jungeun tells her, voice sure as she shifts on her side to face sooyoung directly, hand resting on sooyoung’s shoulder. it gives her some peace of mind, but sooyoung still feels guilty about it.

  
“are you sure? you were drunk,” the way jungeun had been slurring her words last night and the needy way she’d approached sooyoung had proved it, “i didn’t take advantage of you?”

  
“sooyoung,” jungeun begins, a laugh beginning in her throat, “i was always going to be a little drunk during my first time. you know i’m a complete pussy.”

  
“god, don’t say that,” sooyoung chuckles, her fears eased just a little. she turns to look at jungeun, who has pressed her face into the pillow beneath her to try and hide her embarrassment, and sooyoung flicks at ear that's poking out through her hair, burning bright red. jungeun slaps at her shoulder in response, a whine escaping her throat.

  
whatever awkwardness that sooyoung had imagined has disappeared into thin air, leaving only a feeling of comfort and warmth. they may have spent the night having sex, but it was still nice to know that essence of friendship still lay underneath and hasn’t been tarnished.

  
soon enough they both lie quiet again, basking in each other’s presence. sooyoung watches a look flicker across jungeun’s face that she can’t quite read, but assumes that it’s something that’s still weighing on her mind,

  
"would you ever get back with her?”

  
the question makes sooyoung pause for a moment as she tries to parse what jungeun means before she remembers that jungeun told her that her talk with jiwoo hadn’t went well, that jiwoo had wanted to start their relationship again, despite being the one to break it.

  
she stays silent for a while, considering whether she actually would go back to the redhead. at the end, they had obviously only made each other miserable, sooyoung had accepted their constant fighting and her own inaction and refusal to take ownership over her own mistakes as the main reasons for the failure of their relationship, and maybe the main causes of jiwoo’s infidelity.

  
(they hadn’t even touched on how much they fought towards the end in any of their recent run-ins.)

  
the idea of getting back together just feels _wrong_ in a way that sooyoung can't fully describe.

  
“i don’t think so,” sooyoung sounds unsure even to her own ears and jungeun raises a questioning brow at her.

  
“like,” sooyoung starts, and she can feel the urge to word vomit rising within her, “being away from her still hurts a lot. the only way i can describe it is that it’s a like a piece of me has been taken away, which is super dramatic when i say it out loud, god.”

  
“kind of, yeah,” jungeun agrees, humor in her voice and sooyoung rolls her eyes in amusement.

  
“but then i think about getting back together with her,” sooyoung reaches up and tucks a stray lock of jungeun’s dark hair behind her ear and shifts in place to get more comfortable, “and all i remember is how much we fought at the end. we used to fight about everything; when i didn’t do what jiwoo wanted or said the wrong thing, or i would find something that jiwoo would do, small or not, and blow it completely out of proportion.”

  
“there was one time,” the word vomit is definitely upon her and sooyoung finds she doesn’t want to stop it, knows that jungeun would understand her at least a bit, “when she told me how she didn’t like how much time i spent with jinsoul, that she didn’t want me spending more time with a new friend than i did with her.”

  
“me being me, i told her to go fuck herself because i thought she was being completely ridiculous,” sooyoung admitted it freely, for all she knew, jiwoo could have already told jungeun this entire story, “that didn’t go down well at all. i can’t stand jealousy, i think it’s ugly and useless. we didn’t speak for like a week.”

  
“i think i remember that actually,” jungeun murmurs, brows drawn low over her eyes, “yeah, yeah, she came to me talking about how you were — in her own words — a “stubborn, infuriating fool” that never listened to her.”

  
“okay, to be fair, she isn’t wrong about the stubborn thing,” sooyoung jokes. it should feel weird talking about the person they both still care for so openly like this, but sooyoung finds she doesn’t really mind. it’s nice being able to talk about it with someone, “but, i think back on it, and it just makes me realize how stupid we were being. we used to be so happy with each other, but so much has happened since our first year that i don’t think we could ever go back to that.”

  
sooyoung makes sure not to mention how she thinks she may have feelings for another person entirely. she doesn’t want the thought of her feelings for haseul to disturb the tiny moment of peace she’s found here, doesn’t want to lend them any more strength over her. it's not that she doesn't trust jungeun either, sooyoung just wants to keep this to herself a little while longer.

  
“it makes sense, in a roundabout sort of way,” jungeun says, picking imaginary lint off of the sheets, “i still don’t know why she told me that. it just seemed completely out of nowhere.”

  
“we kissed just last friday,” sooyoung admits and the pinched look that takes over jungeun’s face immediately makes her feel bad, “we both decided it was a mistake though, and i told her to talk to you. honestly, i thought it would’ve ended differently between you two.”

  
sooyoung doesn’t apologize. jungeun might not appreciate it right now and she’s not about to ruin the calm and comforting atmosphere surrounding them.

  
“you and me both,” jungeun grumbles. her grumpy disposition still manages to make sooyoung laugh, even though she knows she probably shouldn’t. jungeun doesn’t seem to take it too harshly, considering.

  
“what did she say?” sooyoung asks after calming down a little, “besides the whole wanting to get back with me thing? she told me — or implied, really — that she didn’t have feelings for you, but i didn’t think she was being fully honest.”

  
“she just kind of said that she didn’t feel the same way,” jungeun admits, “and repeated that we both knew what we were getting into. it was a complete cop out.”

  
it does strike sooyoung as odd, that jiwoo would be so brash when talking about something so important in her life. early on in their relationship jiwoo had maintained that they needed to have long talks about what was going on with them individually to try and root out where whatever fight they were having had come from. it seems like a drastic change from that to this sort of brash way of talking about problems that jiwoo was doing now.

  
maybe, when the two of them are on better terms, sooyoung could ask jiwoo what's going on. just to see if everything is okay with the other girl. she just hopes that jiwoo is open to talk about it with her and not just brush it off entirely, which she was prone to do sometimes.

  
(she briefly wonders if jiwoo would even want to tell her because surely if it had started when they were still together jiwoo would have told her, wouldn’t she? they may have been in a rough place, but sooyoung believed that jiwoo would have been willing to tell her what was going on, right?)

  
sooyoung has also been conveniently avoiding the topic of jungeun’s old supposed feelings for her. her friend was drunk and sooyoung doesn’t know how much truth had been in her words when jungeun told her.

  
(maybe she’s also afraid that it was the complete truth and not just drunken rambling.)

  
“did you mean it when you said you used to have feelings for me?” sooyoung blurts out, wanting to have some control of this part of the conversation and wanting it to be over as soon as possible.

  
jungeun’s ears turn an even brighter shade of red that sooyoung didn’t even know was possible. she takes that as her answer as she feels her own cheeks heat up from embarrassment.

  
“we don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to,” sooyoung offers, shifting slightly and pressing her knuckles against jungeun’s shoulder lightly. jungeun reaches up and tangles their fingers together loosely.

  
“no, it’s okay,” the shorter girl murmurs, “it’s just embarrassing as hell, you know? i did have feelings for you, that’s true. and well, let’s just say that that crush helped me figure some things out about myself when we were younger.”

  
oh.

  
safe to say, sooyoung feels both flattered and mortified at the same time. she squeezes jungeun’s hand, letting her know she really doesn’t have to keep going if she doesn’t want to.

  
“was it okay for you?” jungeun asks, looking sooyoung in the eye now, hesitant, “i know you’ve only ever been with jiwoo. she told me; it was the same for her.”

  
(sooyoung appreciates the deviation in their conversation.)

  
“oh, wow,” sooyoung laughs again, no less happy at the mention the redhead, “did she spill all my secrets?”

  
“not all of them,” jungeun jokes, “just the _really_ embarrassing ones. like, how she used to call you honeybear."

  
"oh fuck," sooyoung cringes, her eyes slamming shut in embarrassment, "oh god, kill me now, please.”

  
she doesn't appreciate the way jungeun laughs at her response, but takes it anyway because sooyoung knows jungeun's just messing around. sooyoung also knows that she’s a complete loser who secretly loved the cheesy nickname, but she’s not about to tell jungeun that. there’s only so much ridicule she can take from someone she’s just slept with.

  
and that’s besides the fact that they’ve been friends for years.

  
(a part of sooyoung still feels like she’s crossed a line she shouldn’t have, like she’s taken something from the other girl that wasn’t hers to have. sooyoung doesn’t even want to think about the jiwoo aspect of it all because while this doesn’t make her a complete hypocrite it sure makes her a complete fucking asshole.)

  
"well, hey," sooyoung says, open and honest, "if you ever want to do it again, just ask."

  
(yes, she’s fine with being an asshole for just a little while longer.)

  
jungeun moves so she’s hovering above sooyoung, her hair falling across her face. it strikes sooyoung, just how _pretty _jungeun is, and she knows immediately where this is going to go. the glint in jungeun’s eyes tells her everything she needs to know. sooyoung welcomes it with open arms, spending time like this with her friend is better than wallowing about everything else.

  
at least, that’s what she hopes.

  
she pushes the feeling of ‘_oh god, what if everything does go wrong and i ruin our friendship_’ away. this is a two-way street, if jungeun wanted to stop this, she would’ve. her friend isn’t so much of a pushover — if the years of knowing her tell sooyoung anything it’s that jungeun is strong willed, just maybe not when she’s in love — that she won’t tell sooyoung no.

  
things are going to be okay.

✱✱✱

  
“where the hell have you been?” is the first thing that sooyoung hears when she tries to sneak back into the house later that day — very unsuccessfully apparently. she cringes slightly, hunching in on herself. this is definitely not something she wants to be talking about with her sisters, especially hyejoo.

  
there’s only so much embarrassment she can take, and this morning was enough, thank you very much.

  
“out,” she replies, not looking at her sister who, based on a brief glance when she walked into the living, looks like she has having _way_ too much fun at catching sooyoung sneaking back home in the same clothes she left in.

  
“what are you doing here anyway? thought you’d be out with chaewon,” sooyoung replies, shaking her wrist as she moves to drop her watch on the coffee table beside the couch. she sits down next to her sister, facing the other girl.

  
“nah,” hyejoo starts, “chaewonnie’s taking care of her dad today while jinsoul goes out with vivi. and besides, i was waiting for you to come back home anyway.”

  
“worried about me?” sooyoung teases her sister, pushing at her shoulder jokingly. hyejoo doesn’t bat her hands away in annoyance like she usually would, instead choosing to look at sooyoung seriously.

  
“you know i worry about you,” hyejoo tells her straight up, then turns her gaze away, her cheeks reddening in embarrassment.

  
“i mean,” hyejoo starts, lightheartedly, deliberately not looking at sooyoung and at the tv instead, “you take care of us, so it’s my job to take care of you, y’know?”

  
sooyoung wonders when hyejoo learned to speak so sincerely — she may be gruff with it, trying to play if off as if it’s nothing, but she’s always genuine in her sentiments — because it couldn’t have been her.

  
(could it? sooyoung doesn’t much like to think about the influence she may have over others in her life. the prospect of it is scary. sometimes when she’s wallowing, she ends up in a pit of fear just thinking about how she is in fact a real person and that all of this stuff is happening and yes, she exists to other people. but those thoughts are better left there, giving them control over her will get her nowhere.)

  
“thank you,” sooyoung says, looking at the side of her sister’s face, still turned away from her.

  
(maintaining eye contact when being emotional with each other has been difficult for a while, letting her sisters see her true feelings so clearly is frightening. she wants to have some control over it. maybe hyejoo feels the same.)

  
“have you told the others about mom and dad yet?” hyejoo asks, picking at an imaginary piece of lint on her knee, “i know you asked me to do it, but i don’t think i can.”

  
surprisingly, sooyoung hadn’t forgotten that yerim and hyunjin didn’t know about their parents coming back, and if she’s honest with herself, she’s always known it would have to be her that tells them about it. putting that on hyejoo’s shoulders was unfair of her, especially when her sister also has her own problems with the other two.

  
“i’ll speak with them soon, okay?” sooyoung reassures her sister, making sure she doesn’t feel bad about not being able to do what she asked, “i’m not going to force you to do it, even if i did ask you to. it’s something i should be doing myself anyway. i’m sorry that i even asked you to do it.”

  
sooyoung reaches over and tucks some of hyejoo’s hair behind her ear, affection brimming in her eyes. it’s pretty obvious by now, but sooyoung really would move mountains for her sisters.

  
(especially hyejoo. well, right now, at least.)

  
“who was it you went out to see anyway, jinsoul or haseulie?” hyejoo diverts the conversation. she doesn’t knock her sister’s hand away, letting her simmer instead. hyejoo can’t really think of anyone else that her sister may still be hanging out with.

  
“jungeunnie, actually,” sooyoung replies, hand dropping away from hyejoo’s face as a look of confusion sweeps across it.

  
“you’re friends with jungeun again?” hyejoo asks. sooyoung can hear the not quite hope in her sister’s tone. her sister had always sort of liked the other girl even if she never admitted it.

  
“we’re getting there,” sooyoung sighs, placing her face against her fist as she leans her arm against the back of the couch, “it’s not the same as before, though. i don’t think she’ll be around as much as she used to, but still, we’re getting somewhere.”

  
(boy, if hyejoo knew how different things were now.)

  
“that’s good,” hyejoo says plainly, “you need to get out more.”

  
“hey,” sooyoung whines, “i think i get out enough thank you.”

  
“i don’t think going to work and meeting up with haseul qualifies as ‘getting out’,” hyejoo tells her, a sarcastic smile on her face and one of her eyebrows raised, “it actually looks like you don’t have a life at all.”

  
“that’s hilarious coming from you,” sooyoung throws back, a grin starting to her form on her face. this type of back and forth between the two of them never fails to make her feel better, “like you don’t spend all of your time with your girlfriend or _me_.”

  
“okay, yes,” hyejoo replies, nudging at sooyoung with her shoulder. well, it’s a less of a nudge and more of a shove as sooyoung nearly ends up falling to her side on the couch, only keeping her balance by throwing a hand down and supporting her weight, “i’m a hypocrite, sue me.”

  
“me too,” sooyoung says, righting herself on the couch and leaning against her sister’s side, resting her head on the younger girl’s shoulder. hyejoo huffs out a quiet laugh before leaning her head against sooyoung’s. she appreciates that her sister doesn't push the jungeun thing any further.

  
their quiet laughter fades into a comfortable silence. sooyoung likes that she’s able to sit with hyejoo like this. she really regrets not spending more time with the other girl at the start of the year when all of hyejoo’s problems with chaewon had started to kick off. sooyoung knows there’s no point in dwelling on that now, especially considering the fact that everything has been constantly getting better between the two of them.

  
she can’t wait for that to happen with yerim and hyunjin. sooyoung wishes everything could be dealt with already and they could just jump straight past it all because she knows actually doing it is going to be hard.

  
to say she’s not looking forward to it is an understatement.

✱✱✱

  
“sooyoung?” the timid call of her name distracts her from the chemistry homework she had open on her laptop and she’s glad for the interruption.

  
there’s only so many equations she can read before her eyes fall out of her head.

  
sooyoung looks to her bedroom door, sliding her glasses back up nose. hyunjin is there, her head peeking through into her room. her sister doesn’t look upset which makes sooyoung feel apprehensive, this may turn into something she won’t know how to deal with considering most of her interactions with hyunjin as of late have been confrontational.

  
“hyunjinnie?” sooyoung asks, confused. she wonders why hyunjin hasn’t gone straight to yerim with whatever could be bugging her but remembers that their sister had one of her student council meetings after school and had decided to stay out with them for a while.

  
or, that’s what yerim’s last text message had said. for all sooyoung knows, she could be doing absolutely anything.

  
"i need to talk to you," hyunjin starts, still seeming uneasy about entering sooyoung's private space.

  
“what about?” sooyoung tries to remain as open as she can with the girl, trying not to scare her off.

  
hyunjin comes into her room fully now, hands fidgeting with the end of her white t-shirt as she moves to sit on the edge of sooyoung’s bed. sooyoung turns around in her chair to watch her.

  
the longer this goes on the more off kilter they both feel. they haven’t spoken to each other openly in months, both of them being able to find other people who could help them out with whatever was wrong. for hyunjin that was usually heejin, but seeing as they...

  
it strikes sooyoung that that may be what hyunjin has come to her for.

  
“listen,” hyunjin starts and then stops, taking a breath to steady herself, “look, i know your only relationship crashed and burned, but i need your advice about how to… i don’t know, fix things with heejin?”

  
it actually makes sooyoung laugh, because of course that would be the way that hyunjin would ask for help, brash and uncomfortable.

  
getting up, sooyoung moves to sit down beside her sister on her bed, close but not so close that they touch. neither of them can deal with that just yet, sooyoung thinks. the way hyunjin shrinks in on herself proves just as much as well.

  
“well,” sooyoung begins, tentatively, “all i can really tell you is what i’ve told her. which is that you guys need to sit down and talk through what’s going on.”

  
hyunjin huffs a bit, obviously not getting the answer she wanted.

  
“look, i don’t know your situation,” sooyoung says, voice firm, “so i can’t just magic up a solution, you know? just like you wouldn’t have been able to make one for me and jiwoo.”

  
“i’m more scared that we’ll never get back together at all,” hyunjin admits, voice choked with held back tears, “we’ve known each other for our entire fucking lives. what the hell am i going to do if she decides that she wants nothing to do with me once she’s back on her feet?”

  
“that’ll never happen,” sooyoung says, resolute. she appreciates hyunjin’s honesty with this, but she knows that heejin would never leave hyunjin in the dark, “even you guys don’t get back together now, you could be waiting years, but that doesn’t mean it won’t happen.”

  
sooyoung truly believes that out of any couple she knows, hyunjin and heejin would be the ones to last the longest. even longer than jinsoul and vivi. she’s never seen two people more perfect for each other than her sister and heejin.

  
(there had even been a time, back when she was going through one of her many bad patches with jiwoo, that she wished her relationship was a strong as theirs. however, hyunjin doesn’t need to know that so she keeps it in.)

  
it's almost funny how heejin and hyunjin are both terrified of the same things. key word: almost. sooyoung just wants them to talk to each other openly and honestly, but from what heejin has said to her, that won't happen until she and hyunjin make up or start the process. it’s like a vicious circle, they won’t talk openly until they’ve made up, but they can’t make up if they don’t speak honestly with each other.

  
if she's being honest, it kind of makes her feel horrible, the fact that she has such influence over her sister’s relationships.

  
or, well, that's what it seems like. she could be wrong.

  
hyunjin doesn’t seem too encouraged by her words, but sooyoung can only do so much to convince the other girl. she just hopes that it’s enough for now.

  
“also,” sooyoung starts, it’s her turn to be hesitant now as she scoots a little closer to hyunjin, “i’m sorry for blowing up at you.”

  
she doesn’t specify when. she’s done it so much recently that it’s probably better to just give a blanket apology for all of them.

  
we’ve both been going through our own things,” sooyoung continues, picking at her pants, not looking at her sister, “and i’ve been so absorbed in myself that i haven’t been… kind or as considerate of your problems like i should be. i’m sorry.”

  
"maybe you wouldn’t be such a dick if you didn’t have so much goddamn pride,” it's said jokingly, hyunjin nudging sooyoung with her shoulder, lightly. she doesn’t verbally accept sooyoung’s apology, so all the older girl can do is hope that some progress has been made.

  
hyunjin isn't wrong though, she _has _been an asshole recently and sooyoung needs to accept that and keep apologizing when necessary. her pride... that’s something she’s going to have to keep working on for a while. if there’s one thing her mother instilled in her, it was that.

  
it was the same for hyunjin.

  
the thought of their mother reminds sooyoung that she has yet to tell hyunjin about their parents impending arrival. steeling herself, sooyoung decides it’s best to tell her sister now, when they’re actually having a civil conversation, instead of letting it fester.

  
however, the heejin thing is more pressing, so she’ll start with that.

  
“this is something you probably don’t want to hear,” sooyoung starts hesitantly. her sister is in a hard spot right now, but sooyoung can only give the girl her honest opinion. hyunjin’s brows furrow, a slight frown tilting her mouth downwards, “i think you should leave heejin to deal with some of this stuff by herself.”

  
“and before you say anything,” she talks over the affronted noise that leaves hyunjin, “it’s not because i don’t think you can help, you probably can. it’s just... sometimes people need to deal with things by themselves. like, sure, you can be there for her to talk to, but maybe don’t take this on as something you need to fix yourself, y’know?”

  
“but why?” hyunjin mumbles. to sooyoung’s ears it sounds like her sister already knows what she means, but just wants to have one last push against it.

  
“you can’t make someone your entire world,” sooyoung says, voice firm, “being in love is amazing, i know that, you know that. but you, and heejin, need lives outside of each other, and that means sorting through things separately. for example, there’s not much heejin can do to help your issues with me is there?”

  
hyunjin shakes her head, avoiding sooyoung’s gaze.

  
“exactly,” sooyoung says, “all she can do for you is give you advice. she can’t help to magically fix everything, no matter how much she may want to. and that goes two ways. i don’t know what heejin is going through, she hasn’t told me yet, but maybe just leave her to make her own decisions, okay?”

  
“look, i know that it sounds like a load of bullshit coming from me,” she continues when hyunjin remains silent, “and i’m just talking in circles at this point, but this will be good for both of you.”

  
(she hopes.)

  
hyunjin murmurs something under her breath before she nods her head reluctantly. sooyoung sighs internally, thankful that her sister isn’t going to try and push the issue any further.

  
“hey,” sooyoung rubs hyunjin’s shoulder lightly, “i know it’s hard, and in all honesty, it’s probably only going to get harder, but this should help you guys out in the end. all of us here in the house want you and heejin back together. it’s weird not having her around.”

  
“i know,” hyunjin says, brow furrowed as if she’s uncomfortable about heejin not being at their house as frequently as she used to be.

  
“good,” sooyoung mutters, “so, you just let heejin do her thing, and we’ll try and sort out our stuff. it’s going to happen overnight, but even just talking about it now puts us in a better place than before.”

  
hyunjin reaches up and grasps the hand that sooyoung still has on her shoulder, lowering it so that she can hold it within her own. sooyoung doesn’t say anything else, just waits for hyunjin to come to terms with whatever it is she wants to say to her.

  
(or is her sister just trying to gather the courage to speak with her honestly?)

  
“you know that i... care about you, right?” the confession from her sister is stilted, hyunjin struggling to get the words out. it stuns sooyoung into an extended silence.

  
(to say that it had been a long time since hyunjin had said something like that would be an understatement.)

  
sooyoung squeezes her sister’s hand as her chest fills with warmth. hyunjin shifts beside her, obviously uncomfortable, but willing to bear it in order to connect with her sister. sooyoung understands her discomfort, she feels some of it herself right now as well. genuine connection with her friends and family will always be hard no matter how good her relationships are with the other people.

  
“it’s just hard to talk to you about things,” hyunjin says, frank, her face turned away from sooyoung slightly so that she can avoid direct eye contact with the older girl. sooyoung knows from experience that talking about feelings is embarrassing enough but trying to do it with family members is always harder.

  
sooyoung would freely admit that the mere thought of getting made fun of by her family when she considers talking to them is one of the things that often puts her off from doing it. logically, she knows they won’t and that they’d probably actually want to know if she’s okay but putting that thought into action feels almost impossible sometimes.

  
“you’ve never stood up for me like you did for yerimie when you fought that girl,” hyunjin blurts out suddenly and even she looks surprised by the comment. sooyoung watches as her sister begins to follow up what she was saying before stopping abruptly, frustration crossing her face.

  
“do you want me to?” sooyoung had always thought that hyunjin was perfectly capable of taking care of herself, and thus hasn’t stepped in whenever it may have been necessary.

  
“no...,” hyunjin draws out, confused at her own feelings, “it’d be nice to know that you would be willing to? i don’t know, you spend so much time worrying about yerimie and hyejoo that i feel like you’ve forgotten about me.”

  
oh.

  
“ah, i’m sorry,” sooyoung apologizes sincerely. she hadn’t known that hyunjin had felt that way. how would she when they never really spoke to each other? “honestly, i thought you’d be able to handle anything that came at you, and maybe you didn’t need my help that way, but if it’s what you want, i’ll do it.”

  
“and i haven’t forgotten about you,” sooyoung assures her sister, “yerimie and hyejoo just needed a bit more direction than you have in the past, so i’ve been focusing on them.”

  
“i don’t expect anything to change overnight,” hyunjin interrupts her, “i don’t want it to change overnight. right now, there’s only so much of you i can take. just... maybe when we’re better, you could pay more attention to me?”

  
the fact that her sister has even had to ask that let’s sooyoung know that she’s fucked up majorly and that she’s failed, at least a bit, at being a good sister for the other girl. her brows furrow as she berates herself. why couldn’t she have split her attention between the three girls evenly? sooyoung shouldn’t have left hyunjin to her own devices without her help.

  
maybe they wouldn’t be in the position they’re in if sooyoung hadn’t been so blind to the other girl’s feelings. if she had offered her sister help and sooyoung had been more vigilant...

  
“okay,” sooyoung agrees, face relaxing, pushing the thought down. beating herself up will get her nowhere with this, “i’ll try as best as i can.”

  
sooyoung startles slightly when hyunjin pulls her into a rough hug, not expecting the contact from the other girl. she wraps her arms around her sister hesitantly and presses her face against her shoulder. something tells her that trying to speak would ruin the moment, so she avoids it and simply settles into the hug.

  
they’re far away from a real reconciliation, they’re both going to have to put in the work to get their relationship back on track, but sooyoung is just happy that there’s even a possibility of that happening at all.

  
“by the way, why do we have a cat?” hyunjin mumbles into her shoulder. sooyoung lets out a breathy laugh, patting her sister’s back as she moves away. hyunjin doesn’t let her move too far, resting her head on sooyoung’s shoulder.

  
“i picked him up off the side of the road,” sooyoung realizes that that sentence would never sound good coming out of anybody’s mouth the moment she says it, “which, okay, to be fair, he came to me.”

  
“it’s a _cat, _it probably just wanted you to feed it,” hyunjin replies, bewildered.

  
“hey, cats are sneaky bastards, you weren’t there!” sooyoung pretends to be offended at her sister’s judgment of her, if only to make the other girl smile. it works, or she thinks it does, because hyunjin turns her face away to look at her bedroom door, hiding her expression, “he was staring at me with his big ol’ eyes, i couldn’t just leave him out there. he tricked me!”

  
“whatever helps you sleep at night,” hyunjin pauses, still turned away from her, “sooyoungie.”

  
ah.

  
it’s been a while since she’s heard the nickname fall from hyunjin’s mouth. at least, it’s usually full of derision when it’s said to her by hyunjin.

  
“i don’t know,” sooyoung mutters and hyunjin turns to look at her now, face now a blank slate, “i saw him and i remembered how much you pestered mom and dad about getting a cat when we were kids. so, now we have a cat.”

  
“and yes, i named the damn cat aeongie,” sooyoung says, a grin on her face. it takes a moment for the name to register in hyunjin’s memory and when it does, a smile lights up her face.

  
it’s the happiest sooyoung has seen her sister for a long time, except for when heejin was around. warmth erupts in sooyoung’s chest at the sight of seeing her sister like this, carefree and light. they still have a long, _long_ way to go before they can fully mend any of the many cracks in their relationship. it’s going to take a lot of time and work from the both of them.

  
but for now, sooyoung is content to just sit with hyunjin and talk about their new cat that they probably shouldn’t even have. if only to see her little sister happy for a little while longer.

  
(sooyoung’s happy that she’s at least a small reason for that happiness. all they’ve done recently is hurt each other so it’s nice that there’s some change.)

✱✱✱

  
sooyoung’s just finishing her shift when she notices a small figure sitting on a bench in front of the restaurant, their head bent and their shoulders shaking slightly. the person is tiny, so it isn’t hard for her to recognize that it’s yeojin, that one freshman that always seemed to be going through a tough time at school.

  
stepping out, sooyoung moves to sit down by the girl slowly, making her presence known with a soft, “hey,” as she places her bag on the floor. she doesn’t say anything for a while, just waits for yeojin to calm herself down from whatever has upset her.

  
“you don’t have to pretend you care,” yeojin sounds as if she’s speaking from experience and it makes sooyoung’s heart ache. the abruptness of it takes her off guard for a moment but sooyoung pulls herself together quickly.

  
“who says i’m pretending?” sooyoung nudges the girl with her shoulder lightly as she watches the leaves blow in the wind, “you want to tell me what’s wrong? i mean, i know we don’t really know each other but from my experience sometimes it’s better to talk to someone who doesn’t know you.”

  
the thought of haseul sends warmth into her heart and a smile starts to peek through.

  
“and hey,” she continues, “it’s not as if you’re gonna see me around school, not for a while anyway.”

  
yeojin sits for a moment, hand rubbing at her nose as she takes in sooyoung’s words.

  
“it’s just—,” yeojin starts and stops, “i know it sounds stupid but i don’t really have friends.”

  
“it’s not stupid,” sooyoung murmurs, trying not to interrupt her.

  
“okay, but it _feels_ stupid,” yeojin kicks her foot out a little and the petulance of it reminds sooyoung of hyejoo, “and then after school i have to go back to my foster home and my foster parents ignore me or are too busy doing something more important.”

  
“makes you feel unwanted, right?” she tries to coax the girl into continuing.

  
“no, yes?” yeojin sounds confused, as if she can’t trust her own judgment on her feelings, “i feel angry a lot.”

  
sooyoung can relate to that, has felt angry for months but it also reminds her of what heejin told her about hyunjin. about how her sister gets so angry that she took up soccer just to release it in some way that wouldn’t hurt anybody.

  
(though from what she’s been told recently, hyunjin _has_ made some horrible tackles.)

  
“you’re what, 14?” yeojin nods at sooyoung’s question, “i mean, at least you have some idea of what you’re feeling and where it’s coming from. i was complete moron. i got pent up a lot, still do sometimes.”

  
her face can attest to that.

  
“you don’t have to know everything straight away,” sooyoung murmurs, looking away from yeojin and over at the laundromat across the street, “or be able to do everything straight away. you’re going to be angry for some time, it’s not going to go away the minute you find something you enjoy or that distracts you from how shitty your life is.”

  
it’s probably brutal and unwise to tell this to a 14-year-old, but sooyoung doesn’t want the small girl to be disappointed that there’s no magic fix for her problems. because there isn’t. if sooyoung had found one then none of the shit that’s happened in the last few months would exist, and her life would be going well.

  
sooyoung still wishes there was a magic fix for everything.

  
“look,” sooyoung starts, watching a couple walk down the street hand in hand, “if you want, i could talk to hyunjin, my sister, and see if she’ll let you hang out with her after school when she’s at soccer practice?”

  
she knows absolutely nothing about this girl, but maybe hyunjin would have more luck helping her out than sooyoung would. the age difference between herself and yeojin makes it harder for her to connect with the smaller girl.

  
it doesn’t mean that she won’t stop sticking up for the girl when she needs it, but it would be more appropriate for yeojin to have friends closer to her own age than nearly four years older.

  
“would you?” yeojin looks up at her so hopefully that sooyoung’s heart almost breaks at the sight of it.

  
why anyone would want to hurt the girl is beyond sooyoung’s comprehension.

  
“sure,” she says genuinely, “the next time i have the chance i’ll ask, okay?”

  
an enormous grin spreads across yeojin’s face and sooyoung can’t help but smile in return, happy that she’s managed to get her out of her funk.

  
“thank you!” sooyoung is startled by how quickly yeojin hops up from the bench, checking a message on her phone.

  
“seriously, thank you so much,” yeojin says again, patting sooyoung’s shoulder before running to catch the bus that’s making it’s way down the street.

  
one of these days, sooyoung’s sure she’ll manage to have a proper conversation with the girl.

✱✱✱

  
sooyoung almost doesn’t recognize jinsoul the next time she sees her, a day after her talk with yeojin. she’s getting ready to take a break at work when she hears the other girl call out her name from the front of the restaurant. the sight of her friend’s freshly dyed black hair throws her through a loop for a second. she’s never seen jinsoul without blonde hair so it’s all a bit weird for her.

  
“new hair color?” sooyoung greets her, brows raised. jinsoul hunches slightly when she finally reaches her, cheeks heating up. she tugs at the ends of her hair with one of hands, but doesn’t acknowledge the question fully.

  
silence settles between them for a few moments before jinsoul breaks it.

  
“i’m sorry that i haven’t been speaking to you,” jinsoul exclaims in a rush, reaching forward to grasp sooyoung’s wrist.

  
if this was anyone else, sooyoung would have knocked their hand away, but jinsoul looks so genuinely upset over avoiding sooyoung that it makes her feel horrible. even though she hadn’t had the time to think about it in-depth.

  
“hey, it’s okay,” sooyoung comforts her friend, “i mean, i get it. i would’ve avoided me too.”

  
"it’s just… it was scary seeing you like that," jinsoul admits, scratching her jaw and directing her gaze away from sooyoung, her brows drawn low, "like, i've seen you angry before, but that was... i don't know, it was scary and _really _ worrying. you've never just blown up at people like that before, at least, not when i've been around."

  
"i didn't like being like that," sooyoung says truthfully. in all honesty, her own behavior had scared her as well and the semi-faded bruises on her face still save as a reminder of that ugly and dark feeling of hatred that had boiled within her, “i’m sorry i scared you.”

  
“and i’m also sorry for saying that you would never stand up for chaewon,” sooyoung continues, “that was a load of bullshit and i never should’ve said it. if chaewon was ever attacked in that way you’d be the first to do anything.”

  
“other than hyejoo,” jinsoul chuckles. to sooyoung, it seems like she’s feeling awkward about hearing the apology, but sooyoung knows it’s difficult to talk about how they’re feeling so she doesn’t question it.

  
sooyoung pulls her friend into a loose hug, trying to ease her nerves at least a little, trying to let her know that everything really is okay.

  
“haseul hasn’t spoken to me in days,” jinsoul mutters into her shoulder, voice still choked with tears, and sooyoung makes a confused noise. haseul hadn’t mentioned that she’d been avoiding their friend at all. she also wasn’t aware that the two were close enough that haseul’s absence would make jinsoul so upset.

  
then again, jinsoul isn’t one of the toughest people she knows and sooyoung knows she can be easily hurt on occasion.

  
“really?” sooyoung asks, just to be absolutely sure. it’s never seemed like haseul would ever be that petty(?) over a small fight between her friends.

  
(deep down, sooyoung’s kind of happy that the girl had taken her side in things, even if it was a silly fight that didn’t really mean anything. it’s nice to have someone other than her family stick up for her.)

  
“yeah,” jinsoul mumbles, her voice tight. sooyoung sighs, pressing her cheek against the top of her friend’s head as she rubs a comforting hand up and down her back, still trying to calm her down.

  
“weird,” sooyoung says, confusion still coloring her voice, “i’ll talk to her about it soon, if you want?”

  
“please,” jinsoul replies, “i can’t really do it myself.”

  
well, that’s true enough, sooyoung agrees internally. especially if haseul is avoiding seeing jinsoul entirely.

  
“okay, i’ll see about doing it soon,” sooyoung tells her friend, “also, what’s with the new hair color? i’ve never seen you with any color other than blonde so it’s a bit of a shock.”

  
jinsoul ducks her head, cheeks flaming with embarrassment, her hand coming up to run through her now black hair as she steps away a bit.

  
“honestly?” jinsoul starts, a grin forming on her face, “my head started to hurt from all the bleaching and well... i thought it was time, y’know? besides i think i’ve influenced chaewon a bit too much with the hair dye.”

  
“anyway, forget about that,” jinsoul waves a hand in the air, “how’re things with you and the triplets?”

  
sooyoung pauses, considering if she's really okay with telling jinsoul about her parents coming back. she figures that it'd be okay, that jinsoul would support her through whatever she can, it's only been recently with the fight with minhee that has shaken her friend and made her back away.

  
“my mom sent me a text a while ago,” sooyoung tells her after some consideration. she can trust jinsoul with this.

  
“what?” jinsoul sounds astonished, her brows furrowing, “what did it say?”

  
here goes.

  
“they’re coming home soon,” sooyoung admits, arms crossed in front of her as if she could protect herself from the mere thought of it, “like, really soon.”

  
“and my life is in complete shambles,” sooyoung continues, feeling like blurting everything out now is better than dragging the entire conversation out across days, “i bet the first thing out of that woman’s mouth will be about how horribly i’ve been doing or about how i should really take better care of the house in their absence because they still own it, don’t you know?”

  
“sooyoung,” jinsoul murmurs, reaching out and touching her shoulder comfortingly, “i get it.”

  
“and _now_,” sooyoung continues, calming down slightly, though her voice is choked, “now, i feel like i’m scrambling to get everything together, because i’ve fucked up my sisters lives along with my own, because apparently, i just can’t help myself.”

  
“hey,” her friend interrupts her again, “i’m sure your sisters don’t think that. and i know that if vivi was here she’d probably say it’s something you can still fix or something to that effect.”

  
it was weird to sooyoung how in sync jinsoul and vivi were sometimes.

  
“god, you’re right,” sooyoung sighs heavily, hand coming up scratch at her brow. she winces a bit at the pain that still lances across her face every time she touches it.

  
“i’m mostly just coasting by right now,” she continues, checking the time on the clock on the far-right wall. her break is over, “but i’ll get there. listen, i’ve gotta get back to it, but you can hang around for a bit if you want? it’s not that busy so seongmin shouldn’t mind.”

  
jinsoul nods in acceptance and sooyoung reaches over to hug her again before she picks up where she left off, cleaning the glasses behind the counter.

  
it’s nice to have her friend around again, she decides as she chats back and forth with the other girl.

  
(now hyejoo can’t say she doesn’t have a life anymore. right?)

✱✱✱

  
sooyoung looks over at yerim as her sister sits on the couch going over her homework and sighs. she may have made some progress with hyunjin the other day, but with yerim... it feels like she only gets farther and farther away. sooyoung can’t even deny that this is entirely her fault.

  
sure, there are some other things like that fact that the both of them are so similar in the way the pretend things are okay, but instead of that similarity bringing them together, it only drives away. much to sooyoung’s chagrin. but no, this schism is her fault. she may have been standing up for yerim (and herself) at the time, but with every day that passes the excuse becomes weaker.

  
sooyoung doesn’t even think that yerim would accept that as an apology. her sister is getting harder to read as well, or has she always been like this? hiding everything behind a smile and the desire to make sure everyone around her is happy? is sooyoung just projecting her own opinions onto the other girl and maybe this is completely fabricated in her own mind?

  
it’s spiraling thoughts like that that make everything a bit harder for sooyoung to approach her sister. because what if she’s wrong and yerim thinks she’s a complete moron. what if she makes an even graver misstep and pushes the younger girl even further away?

  
she hopes the other girl doesn’t fall so far out of her orbit that they can never have any sort of reconciliation.

✱✱✱

  
sitting across from the other girl on her couch, sooyoung watches haseul as she seems to muster up the courage to tell her about how everything went with the ex. she doesn’t know why haseul needs to psych herself up, it’s not as if sooyoung is someone extremely important in the grand scheme of things, in the end all she can give is her opinion.

  
“it went... better than i expected it to,” haseul admits, “i thought it would be really awkward and that she’d just try and get into my pants, but it was... nice.”

  
“you don’t sound too sure,” sooyoung comments, blasé as she fiddles with the watch on her wrist.

  
“i am sure! i’m just...,” haseul trails off, avoiding sooyoung’s gaze, “i don’t know. you’re one of my only friends here and i care about what you think of me, y’know? you already said you thought this would be a bad idea and i just want to let you know that it wasn’t without flat out saying that you’re wrong. then again, who knows this could all end in a complete dumpster fire and you could end up being right, oh god—”

  
“haseul, haseul,” sooyoung calls out, reaching her hand out to gently grasp her hand, “it’s fine. i get it. i think.”

  
it’s odd to see haseul so flustered, but also endearing at the same time and knowing that her friend (she’s safely avoiding the crush title for now) cares about her opinion makes her heart feel warm, touched by haseul’s confession. belatedly, sooyoung wonders if haseul would be this openly flustered if they were anywhere but her house.

  
haseul has her eyes trained on the way sooyoung is loosely holding her hand, as if she didn’t expect the contact at all. she gently squeezes sooyoung’s hand and then loosens her grip immediately as if she thinks she’s doing something she shouldn’t. however, she doesn’t let go, letting sooyoung trace her thumb in circles on the back of her hand mindlessly.

  
“also,” sooyoung continues, humor beginning to creep into her voice, “i didn’t know me being right was so scary or horrible.”

  
“it’s not!” haseul tries to reassure her, panic still clear on her face as if she thinks she’s upset sooyoung somehow, “this was just important to me—”

  
sooyoung silences her with a wave of her free hand, an amused grin on her face.

  
“it’s okay!” sooyoung tries to calm haseul down through her own chuckles, “in fact, i appreciate that you think so highly of me. it’s kind of cute actually.”

  
“all in all, i still don’t think it’s a good decision,” sooyoung says honestly. there’s no point in lying to the other girl because she would most likely just see through it anyway, “but if it, and she, still makes you happy, who am i to stop that? and i doubt i could stop you anyway.”

  
haseul remains silent, a look of contemplation on her face as she watches sooyoung. the taller girl begins to take her hand back, away from haseul’s, when her friend tightens her grip again to stop her from moving away. sooyoung feels her brows furrow in confusion, but she relaxes her hand back down into the space between them.

  
“i’ll even let you hold it over me,” sooyoung says, grinning as she remembers their conversation in the cafe. haseul laughs, shaking her head at the memory of it.

  
“for the entire month?” haseul asks.

  
“god, i forgot i agreed to that,” sooyoung groans, acting dramatically just to make haseul happy. she’s just happy that haseul would even consider staying around her for a month when she’s just gotten back into a relationship with someone.

  
(well, sooyoung assumes the two are back together. better to make herself believe the worst now than to be devastated about it later.)

  
“but yes, for the entire month,” she has no clue what she’s just subjected herself to, but hey, if it makes haseul happy, then that’s good enough for her.

  
sooyoung also thinks it’s best that she carefully refrains from mentioning her tryst with jungeun to haseul. it isn’t really the time or place. she’s here to make her friend feel better, it’s not about making everything about herself. sooyoung may also be seething with jealousy she doesn’t deserve to feel, but she’s not going to tell haseul about that either because it’s not going to get sooyoung anywhere and she detests the feeling.

  
in this moment all sooyoung wants is for haseul to feel safe and secure. she doesn’t want the short haired girl to think that she’s ridiculing her even when they don’t agree.

  
suddenly, it hits her that she’s going to have to see what haseul’s like in a relationship. one that isn’t with her, and sooyoung’s chest burns at the thought of it. however, she tries to stamp the feelings down, tries to rid herself of the images of haseul being happy with someone else from her mind.

  
she fails.

  
sooyoung knows logically that jealousy will get her nowhere in the long run. it’ll only fill her with unnecessary resentment for somebody she doesn’t even know and hasn’t ever met. sooyoung also knows that she’s been completely off the rails emotionally lately anyways. she tries to rationalize it in her mind, that those two things will inevitably cancel each other out.

  
(she can’t and they won’t. that doesn’t mean sooyoung won’t let herself be deluded.)

  
“i saw jinsoul yesterday,” sooyoung says quietly, flicking through her phone to distract her from the downward turn in her thoughts. she misses the way haseul shrinks into herself at the mention of their friend, her hand moving away from sooyoung’s, “she dyed her hair black, which was super jarring, but... she also told me that you’ve been avoiding her?”

  
sooyoung leaves the question open ended so that haseul can explain the reason why to her. the question lingers in the air as haseul thinks about the best way to respond without sounding like a complete and utter child.

  
“honestly, i didn’t want to talk to her because she was such a dick in detention,” haseul rubs her face her hand, “which i know is ridiculous, i know it is.”

  
“kind of,” sooyoung agrees, “i was annoyed at the time as well, but jinsoul’s as soft as a baby kitten, and she takes her schoolwork seriously, or more seriously than we do. things are good now though, so maybe you can start talking to her again? she told me she misses having someone to hang out with in school.”

  
“okay,” haseul concedes, nodding her head, “i’ll try and talk to her tomorrow. but wait, do you think she’ll forgive me for ghosting her?”

  
“haseul, i literally just told you she misses having you around,” sooyoung laughs, “i think she’ll forgive you pretty quick.”

  
haseul lets out a childish whine and sooyoung’s laughter grows, only to be cut short by the pain that radiates in her cheek. she reaches up to touch her face before decided against it. touching it will only make it hurt more.

  
sooyoung feels heat crawl up the back of her neck and across her face when haseul takes off her glasses and places her hand on sooyoung’s bruised cheek.

  
(she promptly throws out her own conclusion that touching it would only make it hurt more. if haseul’s the one touching her she doesn’t care about any sort of pain at all.)

  
“does it still hurt?” the shorter girl asks, voice low as if not to disturb the quiet that’s blanketing them.

  
the injury still stings like a bitch, again worse now that somebody is actually touching it, but sooyoung’s not about to go and tell haseul that, not when she knows it would make her feel guilty for causing sooyoung unnecessary pain.

  
“it’s fine,” sooyoung says, lying through her teeth. she plasters a large grin on her face to distract haseul.

  
(she forgot how her face scrunched up when she smiled likes and now her face hurts even more.)

  
haseul lets out a sigh and sooyoung fees her stomach drop. obviously, her facade hadn’t worked because now the other girl is shaking her head at her, a frown on her face. however, there’s a light in her eyes that sooyoung can’t really decipher, but one that she’ll still take as a win.

  
being stupid _and_ good-looking gets you places. sooyoung would know.

  
“you’re annoying,” haseul tells her, a tinge of amusement in her voice.

  
“so i’ve been told,” sooyoung nods against haseul’s hand, “i can’t remember who told me though. just that they were the size of a gremlin.”

  
haseul lets out an affronted squawk at the dig about her height, shoving sooyoung and taking her hand away from her face. sooyoung falls backwards and haseul jolts forward to grasp her arms to stop her from toppling over herself and off of the couch. they end up pressed against each other in a way that _should _be awkward, but just wasn’t. the both of them quite comfortable being close like this.

  
it doesn’t stop sooyoung from being horribly embarrassed, her cheeks flushing as she diverts her gaze, looking at anything except haseul. she clears her throat, a flustered smile breaking through.

  
“you’re annoying,” haseul repeats, pushing her softly this time, “and infuriating, but also stupidly great that i kind of hate it.”

  
“uh thanks?” sooyoung doesn’t know what to say to that.

  
“you’re welcome,” haseul says seriously before a grin takes over her face. the sight of it leaves sooyoung breathless and she finds herself unable to look away from the other girl even though she knows she probably should. haseul doesn’t call her out on it though, just lets sooyoung unabashedly stare.

  
a car horn blares outside, knocking sooyoung out her trance. she clears her throat, pushing some of her loose hair behind her ear and looks anywhere but at the girl next to her.

  
god, sooyoung wonders when she became this embarrassing and if she was like this with her ex.

  
“you don’t have to lie about it hurting, y’know?” haseul says as she twists her bracelet around on her wrist, avoiding sooyoung’s gaze, “actually, i’d rather that you didn’t.”

  
there’s something in the other girl’s voice that sooyoung can’t pinpoint. she wonders if haseul has had issues with people lying to her before. it seems like it, but she wouldn’t know unless she asked and sooyoung doesn’t really want to start that conversation just yet, especially when haseul is still dealing with her own issues.

  
“alright,” sooyoung agrees with her friend’s request, nodding her head. she reaches across to the coffee table, where haseul had left her glasses, placing them back on her face gently.

  
her face scrunches when she notices how dirty they are. god, she really should take care of them more.

✱✱✱

  
sooyoung groans, rubbing at her forehead as she wills away the stress headache that’s starting to form. god, her job was stressful enough when she had school on top of it, now it’s just constant work, work, work with little time for herself. any time she’s actually managed to talk to anyone in the last week or so, it has been just before or after they’ve finished or during her breaks when she gets the chance.

  
it’s really starting to grate on her. she goes to work high strung and comes home feeling about twice as bad.

  
if she were here, her mother would just tell her to shut up and get on with it. as if it’s ever that easy. her mother always was a vicious harpy though, so sooyoung wouldn’t expect anything less from the woman. the monotony of work doesn’t help either. doing the same shit every shift for people who’re rarely ever thankful for what she’s done is a nightmare.

  
sooyoung looks forward to the day when she never has to work in customer service again.

✱✱✱

  
the sound of the front door slamming closed distracts sooyoung from her studying. there’s no point in leaving her room to tell off whoever did it because it won’t change anything. she also doesn’t want to actually speak to any of her sisters today either.

  
that’s not going to stop her from being grumpy about it though.

  
“sooyoungie!” the call of her name is muffled and sooyoung groans to herself, dropping her head against her desk. she really needs to get this work done and now she’s going to be dragged away for who knows how long.

  
she ignores the call. maybe if she pretends that it didn’t happen whoever it was (probably hyejoo) will just go away.

  
she lifts her head off her desk and picks up her pen again and willfully denies the fact that she can hear someone running up the stairs calling her name.

  
_for the love of god, please just go away, _sooyoung begs to whoever may be listening to just let her have this one moment of peace. she just wants to get her homework done while she has the time and during her breaks at work. she doesn’t want to half ass the work either, it’s important to her.

  
the rapid sound of knocking on her door only makes her feel more annoyed. there’s no real anger tied to the feeling, only a sense of desperation and irritation. sooyoung continues to willfully ignore the noise. she really needs to do this work.

  
“sooyoungie!” definitely hyejoo. if the whining tone and persistent knocking tell her anything. her sister can wait until her work is done. maybe she’ll even think that sooyoung isn’t there after a while, “i know you’re in there! i saw you earlier.”

  
or not.

  
(sooyoung’s stellar luck continues to work against her.)

  
"please, chaewon’s here,” hyejoo pleads with sooyoung through the door, knowing that her older sister doesn’t like her privacy being intruded upon, “i just want you guys to get along.”

  
_oh god_, sooyoung groans to herself, her pen slipping from her hand. her sister really wants to do the whole meet the family thing now. and now she’s actually going to have to get changed out of her pajamas and put on a happy face and pretend that yes, she’s a normal person, no her face does not hurt anymore (it very much does) and that she’s completely fine.

  
sooyoung wishes she could do anything else, but it’s her sister, the youngest of the three, that’s asking her to do it. and sooyoung adores the girl so of course she’s going to suffer through any and all awkward interactions with her sister’s new (and first) girlfriend.

  
anything to make her happy.

  
“come in,” sooyoung says, tiredly, lifting her glasses up and rubbing at her eyes. she pushes down the pain that flashes through her from the bruises that still linger. at least it won’t be long until she can start wearing her contact lenses again.

  
hyejoo peeks her head through the door, looking about quickly to see where sooyoung is, her eyebrows slanting up when she sees sooyoung sitting at her desk.

  
“did i interrupt?” hyejoo questions, voice apprehensive. the tone of it makes sooyoung feel bad for a moment before she realizes that it’s ridiculous to think that way.

  
“kind of, yeah,” sooyoung tells her, clear as day because maybe her sister will appreciate the honesty. hyejoo gives her an apologetic look, moving into her room to stand next to her.

  
“sorry,” hyejoo mumbles and sooyoung pats her arm comfortingly. she may be feeling stressed, but she doesn’t need to transfer her bad mood over onto her sister.

  
“it’s okay,” sooyoung replies, “how long is chaewon here for? the night or just a few hours?”

  
if it’s the night then sooyoung can push this back just a bit so she can get this finished.

  
“her dad’s still pretty sick so she’s going home in about two hours to look after him while jinsoul goes out with vivi,” hyejoo tells her. sooyoung had forgotten about that, the memory of jinsoul telling her shoved back into the recesses of her mind because she was too self-absorbed over her own problems.

  
she really needs to talk to jinsoul again and see if the other girl is doing alright. probably not. god, she should’ve brought it up when they were talking about haseul. jinsoul had seemed a little too distraught at the time and her father being sick is the perfect explanation for that.

  
“okay,” sooyoung starts, scratching at her eyebrow a bit. if she can’t talk to jinsoul right now, she may as well try with chaewon, “you go on down, alright? i need to get this work saved, but i’ll be there in a bit.”

  
sooyoung jolts in shock slightly at the sudden hug that hyejoo wraps her up in. she pats hyejoo’s arm, a short laugh leaving her at her sister’s affection.

  
“thank you,” hyejoo mumbles against her hair, “i know you’re trying to get shit done for school, but thanks for taking time out for me.”

  
sooyoung nods, not wanting to speak and ruin the moment.

  
(sooyoung would probably do anything her baby sister asked her to, if she’s truly honest with herself, but hyejoo doesn’t need to know that.)

  
"go," sooyoung's voice turns humorous, "don't want to leave your girlfriend waiting."

  
she laughs as hyejoo whines in embarrassment, pushing sooyoung as she steps away. making fun of her sisters, especially hyejoo, would always be hilarious. hyejoo pushes at her head again as she makes her way to leave the room, but it does nothing to stop sooyoung’s laughter.

  
after hyejoo is gone, sooyoung's mind turns back to jinsoul and how she didn't even bother to ask her friend if her dad was okay, too self-absorbed in talking about her own parental issues.

  
god, she really is a shitty friend.

  
she’ll make sure to bring it up the next time they see each other. but now, she needs to mentally prepare herself for this undoubtedly uncomfortable meeting with chaewon.

  
sooyoung sighs when she realizes she’s probably about to spend the next two hours of her life watching hyejoo and chaewon play video games.

  
_anything for hyejoo_, she reminds herself as she saves her work and closes the laptop, before heading down to meet her doom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not me getting emo writing the hyunjin/yves scene. we're getting there ladies!
> 
> twt: [redyrm](https://twitter.com/redyrm)  
cc: [4d8](https://curiouscat.me/4d8)


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